| Show FABLES IN SLANG By Uy GEORGE ADE y t M ti Pv f k p if 1 I iy ir- ir r A Worm Trying to GI Give an Imitation of an n Anaconda I THE PHONEY VENEER ACE there was a 11 Young Man O ONCE CE with a 30 ler Per Cent Slope above his l lye brows ye brows and an Open Space where his Chin should have been bee lie had taken three full fuU Courses In a n Correspondence Correspond ence once School which told loud the Provincial Provin cial how to acquire Personality but ho had not yet annexed enough h to help hell him In flagging a Street Car Always he seemed to blend Into the he Surroundings Just like Uke a Piece Ieee of f l Furniture If It he started to say Something In Company that was the lie Signal for tor all the Others to beIn begin begin be- be gin In talking lie He could stand In a II Department Store for Hours flours without with with- out ut being waited on He lie was King Ring ot of f the Strap Strap Hangers and held beld the World Record for being pushed oft off the he Sidewalk by the white faced Snips nips who walk three and four tour abreast In every Generation there are arc certain Men who leave their I Impress Impress Im Im- in press upon the World Mr Mn lr I ling lingham ham had not made as much muchas as 81 a Dent lie He was compelled to use In Influence to get his Name Into the lie City Directory Ills Mall Mail con con- consisted consisted silted of ot Catalogues and Propositions sWans In regard to the Purchase of ot Books on a Weekly Payment Plan flan IlanA A SLOGAN SWALLOWER If It Mr often pondered on Death and decided to postpone the Shuffle as long as possible It was because he lie knew darned well that his Funeral would be a Flop Probably what fussed Mr lr mitts more than titan anything else elso w was ne the gloomy Fact that the Female Sex regarded him as a Mr was wall old enough to have a Home of f his own owna a tine flue Job at a R sweet Salary and a Standing In Society He lie saw Men of ot his bis own Age being elected to Congress building Sky Scrapers and bossing Railroads Whereas he sat at a Desk and handled bandied some of at the piffling Details Details De Do tails of at a large corporation It was about a Year ago ogo that tha Mr decided to stop playing the Third Assistant Grave Grave and be the haired curly hero bero When an Insect starts out to be an Bugle that Is U Some Contract but Ellingham Elling Elling- Ellingham ham wa was hopeful and determined lie He had been on a diet of at uplifting upliftIng uplift uplift- Ing Editorials and ond nice hot bot Slogans lIe He had bad been blen devouring these Inspirational in In- Pieces on how bow to achieve Success Most of them had been written by salaried Hacks lacks who owed Grocery Grocer Bills llIs HAD GOOD INTENTIONS Mr Cults believed OilY anything thing that tha was printed and framed Ewry time ho Ito read one of those highly original Instructions hanging above a Desk he be resolved resol to be himself and keep on 00 smiling and ond do It nu and l not worry He lie wanted to obey al alof aU all of the Rules which had helped si so many Humble Beginners to wor work their way woy up UI to 1800 Jobs So Sn h he I made his Plans flans to emerge from the Hay 1101 each A A. A M and greet th the new born Day with high Courage He Ile had hod It straight from tram a 15 lIS- cent Magazine that every trl Mortal Morta can get away with Anything If It be behas behas h hhas has the Nerve to Jump right In sad an get a Strangle Hold on the Imme imme- Immediate diate Problem lie He went to 10 his Couch one Evening Eve Eve- ning as al a low-grade low an and arose next nest Morning as 81 a strong an and silent client Character who was going gong to pry open the World as 81 If It It were a soft-shell soft Clam and Incidentally get the Women all worked up about Mm tutu and then smile sardonically as 1 asbe ashe he be watched them suffer Possibly our good Friend was a little feverish under the Fedora when he formulated formula led this high Resolve lie lie- solve but he be meant well and he sure made a IL decisive e Stab at Great Great- ness On his Way to Work he gate ga some crisp Orders to the Mental Menial who was In charge of the tho Trolley Car The Conductor did dill not recognize rec rece Ills Masters Master's Voles so he ha called l a Piece of Gorgonzola Oura Gor Gor- gonzola and told toM him that If It h hr h. didn't cut out the Blah h he would havo to 10 lake tako a n lint In the Eye Ec In the Articles which Kiting Kiting- ham had ht hoe IlIen en reading there had been no definite Suggestions as to how a II Situation of this 1 Kind should be met DIt so he got oft off of the Car Carand Carand Carand and walked I For or a good many years fears he be had been longing to go Into the Private and tell the Boss noss Just what was wrong wrung with the whole Organization Organization Organ Organ- and how it would be a Cinch to double the Business and cut cui down the Overhead O If the Depart Deport meats menta could be managed by bl Men Ien whose heads were filled with brains brain Instead of at Omelets The Chief Executive I looked up from his Work and there thero on the Rug nUll was a Worm trying to give an Imitation of at nil an Anaconda Tho The lead Head of f the Firm listened patiently When It was over he did not give Mr Gluts the l Fresh resh Air or even start in is to IJ pan n him lIe He advised the faithful I Employee to He tie down for a little while and ond then go 50 out and ond have bave his Temperature taken So that Is how near cameto came cameto to causing a Shake BACK TO NATURE When he sternly reprimanded the tho Typist who did a few Letters for him ever every Day and gave her a Lecture Lecture Lec Lee I ture on the Importance of spelling I correctly all Words of One Syllable she site never missed one Jaw Movement Move love ment went as she chewed her Wax but she did tell him that he was the kind of Fish that ought to stay home bome all Day instead of wandering out Into the Streets and frightening Pedestrians l For or a long time tilDe It had bad been Mr Gluts Gluts' secret Desire to plant a Bomb under the Boarding In which he was eking out a Miserable Miser able Existence The Landlady was wasso wasso so EO busy bUSl counting the Calories and providing for tor the Vitamins that she forgot to give them any real Food longed to bawl her out In such Loud Tones ronea that his Complaint Complaint Com plaint could be heard In 10 Cuba So So while ho he was still under tho the thoIn In Influence of the tune Complex of Superiority Superiority Su Suo he be opened up and made madea a Scene at Dinner l let out a Squawk which Is Hoi fiol for tor Protest lIe He told the Soup the Truth about itself Itself It it- self so that he could get a Rise out of the Landlady lIe He Just sat ant back bock and ond waited for her to brag about the Home Cooking and tho the Refined Atmosphere He lie had bad framed a Come flack which probably would lead lend up to his being ordered out of the Joint ling flag and Baggage That was what be he craved lie He knew that be he never could function as 81 a Leader of Men Ien while surrounded b by the 1 Heads Flat and Tomtits of a third rate Bean Dean ery But Dut the Landlady knew him and liked him and pitied him so she ahe Just told him to be In his Room about gOO and she would come coma tip up and fix lIx a Foot Bath for tor him and give him 10 Grains of Aspirin and andIn andin In the morning De lie would be all an right Sure enough he be was He lIe awoke next do day fully reconciled to the Fact that he would always be the Goat of the Universe He lIe decided that he would have t to l be a Slob Slot instead of a Schwab lie He flew at atthe atthe atthe the withered Prunes with real Gusto Gusto Gus Gus- Gusto to and spoke nicely of the lukewarm lukewarm luke lake warm Coffee Also bo be had bad a Cigar ready for tor the conductor on the Trolley Trolley ley Line MORAL Those who were not born to ba bit Blase will always be b. |
