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Show ' GOOD " Vii" JOKES WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. "Ever been arrested for speeding?" "No." "Ever tried to climb a telegraph pole with your car?" "No." "Ever have it turn turtle on 3Tou?" "No." "Ever have to fix a tire all by yourself?" "No, can't say that I have." "Great Scott, man! Hasn't anything any-thing happened to you that happens to all other motorists?" "Oh yes. I've had a robe and three lamps stolen." ONE OR THE OTHER. xj " I '"- I First Office Boy I hear you've quit your job. Second Office Boy Ya-es; you see, I couldn't git along wit' de boss, an' he wouldn't resign, so I did! Boss Prevaricators. "There goes a man who boasts that he has never bought a gold brick." "Reminds me of the fellow who says he has never told a lie." "Yes. He reminds me of the chap who says the upkeep of his automobile automo-bile is next to nothing." "And he's in the same category with the man who says he never was sick a day in his life." The Prudent Brigand. A brigand is a boastful bluff. Of bold, bad men he seems the worst Until you start to treat him rough And then he hikes for safety first. Complete Failure. "I read a joke the other day about a man getting the last word with his wife by bawling it up the speaking tube as he went out the front door of the apartment." "Tried it, eh? How did it work?" "Didn't work. My wife must have read the same joke. She let a kettle of soapsuds come down the tube just as I started to whistle up." Optimistic and Proper. "So it was once your ambition to have a busines of your own?" "Yes." "But your ship didn't come in, eh? That's too bad!" "Oh, I don't know. 1 found that there was plenty of stevedore work to be done unloading other people's ships, so 1 got along pretty well." Strict Utilitarian. Assistant This cut is entirely" spoiled. The Foreman What is wrong with, it? "It is so botched up that I can't make head or tail out of it." "Well, scratch It up a little more and we'll print it as the picture of a. burning Zeppelin." Youngstown Telegram. HOPELESS. 11 citzr "Would you love me if I wus poor, Evangelino ?" "Oh, yes." "Den I'll break it gently to you. IVe lost me nickel down a sewer!" Parental Conscience. "My boy Josh has got me kind o"' worried," said Farmer Corntossel. "Ain't he behavin'?" asked the neighbor. "I hadn't thought about that. What I'm wonderin' is whether I kin spruce up an' be the kind of a father he thinks he's entitled to." Got Both Jobs. Head of Business What position do you desire in our establishment, sir? College Graduate Oh, something like confidential adviser or general manager. Head of Business Good! You may1 have both jobs. I will make you an office boy. Dallas News. A Tribute to Her Skill. A maid who has a winning way Is Arabella Ride; 'Tis chiefly shown, her friends all say, When she is playing bridge. His Finish. Harker Old Gotrox has made an assignment for the benefit of his creditors. credi-tors. Parker You don't say! What caused his financial embarrassment? Harker Overwork. Parker Why, how could that be? Harker His two sons and a son-in-law worked him for all he was worth. A Great Loss. "So your car was stolen?" : "Yes." 1 "I would worry; perhaps it will be recovered." "I'm not worrying about the car;, that was insured. But I had six gallons gal-lons of gasoline in the tank and I can't afford to stand that loss." Knowledge Easy to Acquire. "Nowadays it is not uncommon to meet people who are familiar with the most out-of-the-way places in the world." "Quite true. And unless you listen to their conversation closely you can't tell whether they have really been there or get their information from moving pictures." The Silver Lining. The Tender-Hearted Cook "No bad news, I 'ope, ma'am?" The Mistress "The master's been wounded." The Cook "There now, ma'am ;i don't let that worry you. They tells me they can patch 'em up bo's they're better than before." London Sketch. Same Old Thing. "Pop?" "Well, Ernst?" "What is meant by the expression, 'The course of true love never runs smooth?'" "That, my boy, is the same as 'The Rocky Road to Dublin.' " An Embarrassment. "Are you complaining about the price of gasoline?" "I should say I am." replied Farmer Corntossel. "These city folk that come ridin' around here haven't money enough to pay their fines when tbey get arrested." THE REASON. "Isn't it strange that Tightwad should donate that large sum toward the purchase of a boll for the new church ?" "No. that's natural. He always likes) to put his money where he can hear it ring." Their Effect. "Miss Mayme can shoot such glances at one under those long eyelashes." eye-lashes." "Be careful; her shooting glances have a killing effect." Heredity. Mother Geraldine's teacher says she Is on the merit roll again. Grandmother She's her father's girl, bless her! Hiram always did the most meretricious work! Judge. Warming Up. "I noticed you applauded nearly every point the speaker made." "Yes, I did." "You must have been greatly Im Dressed by his speech." "Not at all. My hands were cold." It Isn't There. "Do you believe that music has a refining re-fining influence?" "Oh, yes," replied the man of esthetic es-thetic tastes, "but I fall to Bee what uplift it has when a vaudeville performer per-former plays a piano with his foot." Hope Revived. "Got some data now to go on," d3-clared d3-clared Diogenes, speaking of hla search for an honest man. "What's that?" "The income tax statements eant la." Lo'.tis-iille Courier-Journal. Poor Dubwaite. "Why the pained expression?" "Dubwaite has been trying to Uil me a funny story." "Had you heard ft before?" "I don't know. He forgot how U ended." |