OCR Text |
Show GOOD . JOKES WRONG IDEA. I Just Ordinary. "A burglar was captured in our neighborhood last night." "Yes?" "And we were all rather disappointed." disap-pointed." "In what way?" "He was neither a lowering brute, wih a hoarse voice and two weeks' growth of whiskers on his face, nor a gentlemanly looking chap In evening clothes." A Ballot Bargain. The suffragette candidate faced the man who wished to sell his vote. "No," she said, "I'll not give a dollar dol-lar for your vote. It isn't worth it." "Oh, well take it for 97 cents, lady," said the mere num. "Why didn't you say so before?" queried the political bargain hunter. "And could you vote twice for a dollar-ninety-three?" Proof of Her Wisdom. "I wonder why Minerva was called the 'goddess of wisdom?'" queried the young widow. "I tlon't know," growled the old bachelor, "unless it was because she never married." And realizing there was no hope of wedding bells in that direction, the y. w. got busy with a susceptible widower widow-er with seven children. Not an Excuse. The leapyear maid had just proposed, pro-posed, but it had failed to take. "No," he said, "I can never he your husband. In fact, I wouldn't marry the best woman on earth." "But, my dear," she rejoined, "tluu is hardly an excuse for declining my offer. I don't claim to be the host woman on earth." SO FOOI ISH. sill Hi "Your little brother says your father said you were crazy to marry me." "He misquoted papa. Papa said I'd be insane if I married you." Afraid to Risk It. "Will you have a piece of the apple pie?" asked the landlady of the Irish boarder. "Is it after beiu' healthy?" queried Pat. "To be sure it is," she replied. "Why should you think it otherwise?" "Faith, an' Oi had an uncle wanst who died of apple-plexy," answered the sou of Erin, "and Oi thought this moight be somethin' av the same koind." Proof Positive. She was the cause and the $9.98 solitaire soli-taire on her third digit was the result. "Dearest," she cooed, "will you love me when I'm old?" "How can you doubt it?" he came back at her. "Didn't I propose after I had seen your picture in the family group taken in the days when girls wore jerseys and their bangs straight?" Usual Procedure. "I presume a statesman pays more or less attention to the wishes of his constituents?" " 'More or less' is correct. As the wishes of his constituents are made known to him from time to time in the Conn of letters, he has his secretary carefully file them away and then pro-:eeds pro-:eeds to forget all about them." Maybe. "Something should be done for bald-headed bald-headed men." "Yes?" "They don't get a square deal in this world." "Perhaps not." "But just wait. Some of these days a corking good love story is going to be written about a hald-headed hero." Disregarded. Some "leaders of the people" Must feel acute dismay When no one pays attention To anything they say. Sunshine and Shadow. "Even the Judge wept when the chorus girl plaintiff told the story of her life." "I dare say the gloom in that courtroom court-room was profound." "Yes. But everybody was soon smiling smil-ing again when her lawyer began reading read-ing love letters written to her by the millionaire defendant." Retort Courteous. "I see the villain in your face," said the gruff lawyer who was trying to intimidate in-timidate a witness. "Very likely you do," was the calm reply. "The face of any bright person, per-son, like a mirror, Is apt to cast personal per-sonal reflections." SURE NOT. "She's neglecting her game of bridge dreadfully." "Why is she doing that?" "Some silly excuse. Says the children chil-dren need her, I believe." Facts and Figures. "A scientist," remarked the giddy female who writes type between meals, "says there are 160,000 hairs In the average woman's head." "And the number of hairs In the average av-erage man's head," geowled the cynical cyni-cal bachelor at the pedal extremity of the boarding house mahogany, "may depend upon the length of time he has been married." Disturbing Influences. "I sent a thought wave to you last night," said his fiancee. "About what time?" "About midnight." "Urn. I was at the club then." "Did It reach you?" "I don't know. Something made me miss a ridiculously easy shot at billiards bil-liards about that time." Acquired Wisdom. Said He I wanted to get married when I was twenty-one, but my father said I didn't have sense enough that I should wait until I was thirty. Said She And you married at thirty? Said He Oh, no; at thirty I had sense enough not to want a wife. Her Choice. "What ciime between them?" "A French poodle." "Eh?" "At least he put It up to her to choose between him and the dog, and he's been living at ills club ever since." How It Happened. HaicJ lie, JuHt for fun: "Let us become 'trie," He had plenty of mon And so Hhe was won. One Way. "You know it Is simply Impossible to iiinke an angel out of the iivcrave small boy." m- "Oh, I don't know. Have m tried a liberal diet of gree 4f Friendly Critici-' "I on't you think," actor, "that I wnuly success In the f 'Itniiieo and .lull "Well," repli.j friend, "with u'J stage carpenter J as the baleoiny "I hi-nrj sequesl f "He In tly Miss Chance (reading from paper) A girl saved an express train from destruction de-struction by taking off her petticoat and waving It us a signal. Miss Pert 1 never do anything heroic he-roic like that. Miss Chance Why not? Miss Pert Because I don't wear reel petticoats. It Doth, Indeed. It doth require a man of rne.'ins To keep up two or three nuichiii'-n. And as the flying seanons prts provide eanh one of th-m with "gas." As Defined. Little Mildred What does "P.. A." stand for, mamma ? Mamma "Bachelor of Arts," my dear. Little Mildred And what Is a "Bachelor of Arts," mamma? Mamma Any bachelor who Is trying try-ing to stuy in the bachelor class, darllnr |