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Show MORE LIKE IT. ENTIRELY WILLING TO WAIT. "Suppose your country needed you nt the front. What would you do?" asked the .lingo. "First .i all," answered the cautious citizen, "I would estimate the distance between the place where I happened to be and the front. After that 1 would put my private affairs in order, take fond leave of my family and join the army." "Umph ! By that time all the real patriots would be in the thick of the fray." "No doubt. As I'm not particularly anxious to die for my country, if it can be avoided, I should hate to stand in the way of large numbers of young men who vow that nothing would suit them better." X it 'ft mm "Did you congratulate Miss Oldgirl on her birthday?" "No. I condoled with her." I Dull Crowd. "How was the banquet?" "Rather dull."- "No bons vivants there? No recon-teurs?" recon-teurs?" "Well, don't know about the waiters, although I suspect some of them were pretty lively fellows, but there were no persons of that sort seated about the board." Cruel Blow. An ill wind may blow some one good, But it rouses the chauffeur's Ire When an ill wind escapes and leaves Him with a Ilabby punctured tlve. Money In It. "Now, your friend Jibway evidently thinks he knows a great deal, but nobody no-body ever pays any attention to what he says." "With a few exceptions." "Name them." "I've seen chauffeurs leap to do his bidding." How It Happened. "Dubwaite seems to think well of you." "That's kind of Dubwaite, but er what time did he express a favorable opinion of me?" "I was talking to him about four o'clock yesterday afternoon." "Exactly. And not later than live o'clock Dubwaite was in my ollice asking ask-ing for the loan of ,f!0. lie was simply sim-ply working himself into a frame of mind which he thought would justify the 'touch.' " ESPERANTO PHRASES. From Bad to Worse. Ilyker I'd give anything I possess if I could get rid of this case of gout. Pyker That's easy. Just move over to my boarding house and I'll wager that liver complaint will soon take the place of the gout. Ilyker Liver complaint! How's that? Pyker Well, our landlady feeds us liver every other day, and it has come to pass that all the boarders are complaining. Father Was Prepared. - "Did father seem surprised when you told him you wanted to marry me?" "How does he act when he's surprised?" sur-prised?" "lie doesn't say anything." "No. He wasn't surprised. In fact, he spoke at length." "Why is Whiz making those hideous noises?" "Those are not hideous noises. Whiz is expressing his feelings in Esperanto. He has just missed an easy stroke." Their Ambition. If time is money, as they say, Perhaps some young men yearn To get into the scorcher's class So that money they can burn. Moral Sickness. "Here's a pathetic letter from 'shut-In.' " "Ah! One of those unfortunates doomed to spend a lifetime in bed or an Invalid chair?" "Urn. Let me read further. It seems he's shut in for ten years, with time olf for good behavior." Means Nothing to Him. "That man with whom you were discussing the eight-hour law didn't seem much impressed." "No. I discovered the reason later." "What was it?" "He's a grocery clerk who works from seven o'clock in the morning until un-til seven o'clock at night and then hurries hur-ries home to help his wife look after the baby." Yea, Verily! "As the poet says," remarked I lie nioralizer, "this world is but a fleeting fleet-ing show." "True," rejoined the demoralizer, "hut that doesn't seem to detract the small boy's attention from circus punters." Popular Air. Tom I pulled the governor's leg to the tune of one hundred dollars (his morning. Jack Would you mind teaching me the tune? If the Collateral Is Good. Omar Pawnbrokers tire a progressive progres-sive class of men,' aren't they? Heiuy Why do you think so? Omar Because they're always advancing. STILL LIFE. A Misguided Patriot. "There goes a stout party worker." "So they say." "You ought to hear his wife's opinion." opin-ion." "Yes?" "She says If he would work for his family more and his party less, she wouldn't have to run a boarding house." jtm M!f- I-M' h .iii,.' : -1 ' 1 I 'l 1 I The Practical Side. "Ah !" exclaimed Die poetical person, per-son, "Hark to the footbeats of the rain. 'Tis a pleasant sound." "Umph," replied the crusty landlord. "So far as I'm concerned, the foot-beats foot-beats of the rain are merely a prelude pre-lude to the footbeats of tenants, hurrying hurry-ing to my ollice to complain about roofs leaking." At the Opery House. "In the last act the villain was shot and writhed on the floor for nearly live minutes." "I presume you would call that creating creat-ing a heavy atmosphere?" "Yes. And he succeeded nil right. P.y the time he finished Hopping about the air was thick with dust." "A i.iuMiig picture ii.nn was out here trying to lake some pi. -lures of life on the farm, hut he lei t kinder discouraged." discour-aged." "Pictures not a success?" "Not entirely. II.- couldn't kel.-li Ihe hire.) man in motion." His Turn. "Pa, I heard ma tell h--r friends that ber silk gown caiae from a worm, mid then she laughed aV.S snM you gave it to her. Now she wants another one." "So I was tt.e worm, eh? Well, just tell her the worm has turned." Talented Assistant "Now, that was what I call realism on the stage. The villain's death rattle rat-tle was positively blood curdling." "True, but don't give the villain credit for it. That noise was made In the w ings by a versatile Ktnge hand." Easy Money. "I am working my way through college." col-lege." "P.rave girl! How do you earn tnoney '!" "Weil, father gives me $10 for every singing lessou I don't take." Realistic Touch. "What's the dancer doing now?" "She's port raying the advance of autumn." "I see. And those young women following fol-lowing her are, I presume, milliner' assistants." |