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Show A2 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, September 23, 2008 The News Off The Beaten Path MUG SHOT D E DA Z LIGHTER SIDE Neanderthal Thinking James L. Davis No matter how hard I try, I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment when I began to turn into a Neanderthal. It could be when I realized with a bit of alarm, and a degree of personal satisfaction, that my toenails were not only curled and hideous but were also handy as a can opener. It could also have been the moment when my wife began to trim not only the hair on my head but the hair in my ears. But like I said, I’m not entirely sure. The fact is that whenever the process began is irrelevant, because whatever processes are involved in becoming a Neanderthal are apparently almost complete in me. I realized this just the other day while sitting on my favorite chair I suddenly grunted for no reason whatsoever. I just made this noise from somewhere deep within me. “Hmmrh.” I have no idea why I grunted, but I did it again and this time followed it with a highly agitated scratch to the side of my head. Truth be told, I do not believe I ever made it terribly far up the Ladder of Civilized Behavior, but the thought that I had slipped down a few dozen rungs hit me as a bit of a shock. I have no idea how long I have been grunting for no apparent reason, but it perhaps explains some of the strange looks I get from my children and the family pets. Realizing that I was now a grunter, I decided to pay close attention to my actions in an attempt to learn just how close to becoming a Neanderthal I truly was. I’m frighteningly close. I have discovered that sometime in the past couple of years I have developed not only a tendency to grunt, but I have grunts for different occasions, most of them revolving around physical exertion. If I drop something on the floor and I bend down to pick it up, I grunt. It’s not exactly a pained grunt, but it’s not exactly a pleased one either. I found that I can stop myself from grunting when I move, but only with some difficulty. It’s something I’m working on, so if you happen to see me walking down the street, please be patient with me. At least my knuckles aren’t dragging on the sidewalk…yet. With the understanding that something strange was happening to me, I decided to continue to pay careful attention to my every action for a few days to see just how far down the evolutionary ladder I had slipped. I think I might actually be on a different ladder altogether at this point. Besides my tendency to grunt for no apparent reason, to grow body hair where I have no need for body hair, and the ability to open a can of chili with my toe nails, I have also discovered that I make faces to myself. I had no idea I was doing this, and I have realized with horror that I make the strangest faces when I am driving. To all other motorists, I give you my sincerest apology. One of the most common faces I found that my new, Neanderthal self likes to make involves jutting out my lower jaw and furrowing my brow. I screamed when I looked in the rear view mirror, noticing for the first time the face I was making. I not only realized that I had been making the face for more than an hour, but that it was very comfortable. Unfortunately that is not the only face that I make. The other one involves me pursing my lips and then violently twisting them back and forth, first to the right, then to the left while simultaneously trying to twitch my nose, right nostril first, then left. It is not nearly as frightening as the first face, but it’s not nearly as comfortable either. There was a time when I truly worried that if I wasn’t careful I would devolve into this creature that would frighten children and small, furry animals. As I have paid more attention I am realizing that time has come. Wondering what else about me had spiraled into barbarity, I have discovered that while sitting at the dinner table I am apparently only a step or two away from needing to be caged. My only saving grace is that while I may grunt and eat food with my fingers that is not intended to be eaten with fingers, I eat so fast that my family doesn’t seem to mind. In this respect I have become not like a Neanderthal, but like my son. While my wife and daughter might spend several moments chewing each morsel of food they daintily put in their mouth, we have discovered that you really only need to chew your food a maximum of three times: once to position it in your mouth, once on the right side, once on the left side and swallow. If you watch carefully you can see the food pass down our throat, a little like a snake swallowing a mouse. At one time I distinctly recall being disgusted with my son for his eating habits. I would plead and I would threaten him to show a little dignity, a little manners, when sitting at the dinner table. To actually breathe between bites, to not guard his plate as though someone might steal it, to chew his food, to not wipe his hands on his clothes or on his sister, but not anymore. Now when we sit at the dinner table the only thing to pass between us is a strange, contorted face or two… …and a grunt. Photo by Kathy Ockey That’s Just Wrong School spirit can, at times, be taken to the extreme, as exhibited here by Canyon View Junior High students Kalan Lofley, Sam Brown, Amos Brown, Gavin Oviatt and Dominic Ronidelli during a pep rally before the Cougars challenged their rivals, the San Rafael Junior High Bulldogs in volleyball and football. Chuck Shepherd Lead Story Deja Vu: The two states whose electoral votes decided the presidential races in 2000 (Florida) and 2004 (Ohio) are provoking anxiety this time around, also. In Palm Beach County, Fla. (home of the “butterfly ballot” in 2000), 3,478 optical-scan votes disappeared between primary-night counting on Aug. 26 and the official recount a few days later (flipping the outcome of at least one race). Also in August, Ohio officials claimed that they had fixed a software-logic tabulating error in Premier Election Systems machines used in some counties (but, according to a spokesman for Premier, a company formerly known as Diebold, that error had been present for the last 10 years). (Also in August, the Ohio secretary of state ordered election officials to end the practice of taking voting machines home at night during election season “for safekeeping,” even though such “sleepovers” had been encouraged in order to protect the machines from tampering.) The Entrepreneurial Spirit The New York Post spotted several Manhattan businesses that tried to appeal to nudists this summer with special events. Among the most challenging were John Ordover’s monthly dinners at selected restaurants (such as the Mercantile Grill), where about 50 diners eat and drink naked (served by the restaurant’s regular, clothed staff), and the Naked Comedy Showcase at People’s Improv Theater in the Chelsea district, where once a month, naked comedians perform (and a section in the audience is reserved for naked patrons). Weird Science -- In July, microbiologists writing in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences reported that the Malaysian pen-tailed tree shrew subsists on a diet of fermented palm nectar that is roughly the equivalent of 100 percent beer. “They seem to have developed some type of mechanism to deal with that high level of alcohol and not get drunk,” ac- The Duplex NEWS OF THE WEIRD cording to one researcher, who hoped further study could help with human cases of alcohol poisoning (and other rare instances in which people ingest alcohol for purposes other than getting drunk). -- Intelligent Design: Among the photo exhibits at New York City’s Museum of Sex in July was the display of the genitalia of the spotted hyena, which was described by Bloomberg News: “(B)oth the male and female have penises. The female, it turns out, has a scrotal sack, too. For reproductive purposes, the male transfers his sperm through the female’s penis, which doubles as her clitoris.” Other exhibits included “Gay Dolphin Blow-Hole Sex” and a “Deer Threesome,” featuring a “Bambi” with two stags. Said the museum’s curator, the exhibit simply compensates for museums’ traditional animal exhibits in which depictions of genitalia are suppressed. -- Kay Underwood, 20, of Barrow upon Soar, England, risks momentarily collapsing every time she laughs, according to an August report in London’s Daily Telegraph. Her cataplexy causes a sudden, dramatic weakening of muscles when she experiences strong emotions, including joy, excitement and anger. She said she has collapsed as many as 40 times in a day, and sometimes her friends will good-naturedly try to make her giggle, but she said she has learned tricks to protect herself, “such as locking my knees together or grabbing on to something.” Leading Economic Indicators -- Some dermatologists have created significant divides between their “medical” patients (acne, cancer) and their beauty-treatment patients (plastic surgery, Botox), with the latter offered luxurious waiting rooms, frequent telephone contacts and more personalization of treatment. One doctor told The New York Times in July, “You have to class it up for those patients,” who pay their own way and with minimal paperwork. Besides, said another, “If you do an extreme makeover on someone, you are a hero.” -- In a July Newsweek re- view of “faith-based” mutual funds (whose managers invest only in companies whose work does not offend their particular spiritual values), big short-term losers included one Mennonite fund emphasizing pacifism (eschewing high-performing military and energy stocks), but big winners lately were Islamic funds. Not only do they screen out the “sin” companies (tobacco, alcohol) and sellers of pork products, but they avoid financialservices stock (based on the Quran’s prohibition against borrowing or lending if interest is charged) and thus were unscathed by the initial mortgage-market meltdown. It’s Good to Be a British Prisoner (continued) (1) Ian Brady, now age 70 and perhaps the most famous British murderer of the 20th century, complained recently that the psychiatric inmates housed with him in Ashworth Hospital still qualify for government allowances up to the equivalent of about $200 per week whereas prison transfers like him receive “only” onefourth that amount. (2) After completing a six-year sentence for aggravated burglary in 2006, an unidentified male inmate at Peterborough prison has for two years refused to leave, for fear of being deported, and will continue to remain behind bars indefinitely, costing the government the equivalent of about $60,000 a year to house him. Recent Alarming Headlines (1) “Elephant beats heroin habit with detox” (Reuters, 9-4-08) (Chinese poachers had spiked his bananas with heroin to control him). (2) “Court grants injunction to stop woman cutting off man’s penis” (Daily Telegraph, Sydney, 8-15-08) (He told the judge in Darwin, Australia, that to escape her pursuit recently, he had to hide in tall grass). (3) “Police: Chihuahuas provoke baton attack on nude beach” (KGW-TV website, 7-28-08) (A naked beachcomber, 74, near Portland, Ore., may have overreacted to two Chihuahuas advancing on him). Least Competent Criminals An unidentified man smashed a 6-foot hole in the wall of the Name Brand Clothing Store in Tulsa, Okla., in August and labored through the night to bust open the safe, but according to the surveillance video, he finally gave up six hours later after making only a small hole in the safe. However, when the store manager arrived later that morning, he found the safe unlocked, probably the result of his forgetfulness the night before, and no contents were missing. Though the crime was unsuccessful, the manager offered to hire the robber, based just on his diligent work ethic. Recurring Themes Drivers recently hit by their own cars: (1) A woman parking her car in Athens, Ga., in July, opened the door to tell another driver that she was not leaving her space when she fell out and was run over. (2) A man in his 60s was pushing his car out of a ditch in July in Montreal, Quebec, when it started to roll, and when he jumped in to hit the brakes, the car jerked, ejected him and ran over him. (3) A 24-year-old man, fleeing police in a stolen U-Haul truck in April in Royal Palm Beach, Fla., leaped from the vehicle but failed to clear the door, sending him out head-first, where he was crushed to death. Readers’ Choice (1) Mr. Angel Medina, 24, was found dead underneath a bridge in San Juan, Puerto Rico, in August, and in accordance with what his brother said were his longstanding wishes, he was embalmed in a standing position, in a corner of his mother’s living room, for a three-day wake (wearing his Yankees cap and sunglasses). (2) As police cars in Minnetonka, Minn., chased suspected burglar Grayson Clevenger, 27, an officer who knew Clevenger’s cell-phone number called to persuade him to give up. Clevenger picked up the phone and, according to officers, yelled, “Dude, I can’t talk! I’m being chased by the police!” He was captured a short time later. (Copyright 2008 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) By Glenn McCoy |
