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Show A2 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, June 10, 2008 The LIGHTER SIDE News Off The Beaten Path MUG SHOT E DA Z D Avoiding Work is Hard Work There’s Nothing Wrong with the Food James L. Davis I hope my dad never retires. I’m not sure I can handle the pressure. I say that out of love and out of fear – mostly fear, because as long as my dad is still gainfully employed there is a chance that I can continue to be a slacker. When he has more time on his hands my life is going to get a lot more hectic because he is going to come around and crack the whip until I get started on all of those projects I am going to do “someday.” While I’m no expert I do believe that it all boils down to what I like to call “generational perspective.” I believe that “someday” means “someday in the not too distant future, but definitely not today, maybe next Tuesday, but probably not because Tuesday is the day after Monday, and I definitely need a rest after making it through Monday, and most assuredly not on Saturday because on Saturday I want to sleep in and then go fourwheeling. Maybe in July, but probably not because it will be pretty hot in July I hear, what with global warming and all.” My dad, however, believes “someday” means “get up off your lazy butt and get this done or I’m going to do it for you and embarrass you in front of your wife and kids.” I know, I know, he’s completely insane, but he’s my dad, what do you do? Well, what I do is try not to mention to my dad that I have any projects that need to be done. That, unfortunately, only works part of the time, because a door hanging by one hinge is only going to escape his attention for so long. I have considered trying to convince him that the hanging door is a new design element I am trying in the house, but I don’t think he’ll buy it. In the summer I’m fortunate enough to be able to get away with being a slacker more than in the winter. My dad is the caretaker at the Orangeville City Cemetery, so in the summer months he’s pretty busy. In the winter months he enjoys the quiet of his seasonal layoff for about three days and then he’s searching for a project. Quite often his “project” revolves around getting one of his kids to get going on one of their projects because he’s already completed all of his. I have tried to convince my mom to continue coming up with projects around the house for my dad to do and she in turn gives me that look that says “I didn’t beat you when you were young, but I can start now if you would like.” In the past few years my dad has in the off season put new windows in his house, shingled the house, put in new flooring, renovated the bathroom and the kitchen, put in a new air conditioning unit, replaced the heater, painted his house and put in a fish pond. It’s only a two bedroom house, so he’s pretty much done unless I sneak into his house and start undoing some of the things he’s done. I might be saved however because my brother just renovated a boat and my dad thought that might be a good idea as well. That should keep him busy for a week or two at least. It’s not that I’m lazy, OK maybe it is, it’s just that I have worked for some pretty tough bosses in my life and I will testify that there is no tougher boss than my dad. I have experienced what it was like to work for my dad many times over the years, and I live in fear of those times. My earliest experience of actually working a “job” for my dad instead of doing “chores” for my dad came when I was 11 years old and foolishly told my dad that I wished we had a basement in our house like my friends because then I could have a room of my own. A few weeks later my dad brought home a brand new shovel, pick and wheelbarrow. He borrowed his employer’s backhoe and dug a hole outside our front window and then he handed me the hand tools and told me to start digging, put the dirt in the hole and don’t dig under the house supports. I spent my summer vacation doing just that and my dad would come down from time to time to check on me, smile softly and go back to work on one of his projects. But when the basement was ready for interior walls my dad looked at me and told me to tell him where I wanted the walls for my bedroom, so in the end I got the bedroom I had been whining about. Of course, when I had started begging for a room of my own I had meant that perhaps we should move to the house down the street that already had a basement, not let’s dig one of our own. My dad misinterpreted my begging as a willingness to work. With spring here my dad is back to work at the cemetery so I am safe for a time. He has warned me on a number of occasions that he will retire some day. He is 80 years old and said he might only work another season or two. Of course, he’s been saying that since he was 70, so I might be safe for a while longer. When he does finally retire I know that my slacker days will be behind me and he’ll put me to work on my “to do” list, smiling softly as I try to come up with an excuse to get out of working. I’m just grateful that my house already has a basement. I’m also grateful that my dad can still kick my butt. Happy Father’s Day Dad. Orangeville City Councilmen Courtney Cox and Kevin Reynolds attempt to reassure visitors to the Orangeville Days breakfast that they are perfectly normal and the breakfast they are cooking is not only tasty, but safe. Not everyone was totally convinced. Photo by James L. Davis Chuck Shepherd Lead Story The Fates of Three Class of ‘08 Students in Durham, N.C.: Two men did not graduate from Duke University in May because they were two of the three lacrosse players accused of rape in March 2006 and were forced to suspend their academic pursuits in order to defend themselves against the charges that were later dismissed. Another ‘08 student did graduate in May in Durham, from North Carolina Central University: Crystal Mangum, the drug-abusing, part-time stripper who had relentlessly accused the three of raping her but whose story was later found to be completely unsupported. Mangum’s degree is in police psychology. Recurring Themes NOTE: As evidence that the weird news keeps repeating itself, this week’s collection consists of recent instances of people doing the same old things that we’ve seen before in News of the Weird. -- In what would be a new modern record for the lapse of time between a death and its notice, neighbors found the mummified body of a Croatian woman in her Zagreb apartment in May, and police said no one remembered seeing her alive after 1973. (A Croatian news organization said the last sighting was in 1967.) She missed no maintenance payments because her building, which was stateowned when she was last seen, has since become a cooperative, and aggregate charges were paid for collectively by the other residents. -- News of the Weird informed you in 2007 of camel beauty pageants in Saudi Arabia, but the obsession with the animal runs deeper, based in part on nostalgia for the days when camels were important for transportation. Breeders cuddle and nuzzle them, and at the country’s largest camel market near Riyadh in March 2008, they bought and sold based, one breeder told The New York Times, on the standards of “judging a beautiful girl. You look for big eyes, long lashes and a long neck.” Said another, “See this one? She isn’t married yet, this one. She’s still a virgin. Look at the black eyes, the soft fur. ... Just like a girl going to a party.” He added (after kissing the camel on the mouth), “My camels are like my children, my family.” (In January, a prominent cleric issued a decree condemning the pride people take in their camels.) -- March is the season for Shinto religious fertility festivals in Japan at which symbolic phalluses are offered to the gods for business fortune as well as good sexual and marital luck. In the small town of Komaki, a 2-meter-long phallus is carried through town every year and presented to the local temple. The best-known celebration is the Kanamara Matsuri (“Festival of the Iron Penis”) in The Duplex NEWS OF THE WEIRD Kawasaki, where colorful phallus floats abound and delight the children of all ages who line the streets. -- Because Japan’s suicide rate is so high, there is sometimes collateral damage. In April 2007, News of the Weird reported yet another instance in which a despondent person leaped off of a building (a nine-story edifice in Tokyo), only to land on someone else (a 60-year-old man, who was only bruised). These days, chemical ingestion is the trendy method, and in May 2008, a despondent farmer drank a chlorine solution and was rushed to Kumamoto’s Red Cross Hospital, but as doctors tried unsuccessfully to save him, he vomited, and the fumes sickened 54 workers, including 10 who had to be hospitalized. -- With rising prices paid for scrap metal come the increased threat of theft, and metal dealers are on alert, as well as power companies, which use valuable copper wire. However, as the number of thieves increases, so does the number of clumsy ones who fail to respect that electrical substations are live. In May, at least three men were killed and three others badly injured in attempts to steal wire from substations in Lancaster County, Pa., Somerset County, Pa., Savannah, Ga., Chicago and Edmonton, Alberta. -- In April in Marion, Ill., an alert newspaper carrier discovered an 84-yearold woman who was alive but had been pinned to the floor for four days without food or water because her much larger husband, 77, had died of a heart attack and fallen on top of her. (In a notorious 1984 incident at a strip club in San Francisco, a dancer had been pinned down overnight underneath the body of club manager Jimmy Ferrozzo, who had had a fatal heart attack while having sex with her. She could not move because they were lying on top of a stage piano that descended on a pulley, for the dancer’s grand entrance, and Ferrozzo, in the throes of ecstasy, had accidentally tripped the switch sending it back up, where it jammed against the ceiling.) -- There was yet another fight in Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre this past Easter (celebrated in mid-April by Orthodox Christians). This time, Armenians (one of the six Christian branches that share management of the holy site) believed that a Greek Orthodox priest had encroached on their part of the church and tried to eject him, leading to a brawl in which some in attendance used Palm Sunday fronds as weapons. It usually falls on Jerusalem’s Muslim police officers to restore order. -- For Easter every year in Vrondados on the Greek island of Chios, villagers carry on a 19th-century tradition in which parishioners of two churches attack the other’s building with homemade rockets during midnight Mass. Villagers spend the days before Easter boarding up windows in order to minimize damage, and the goal is to be first to hit the other church’s bell tower. -- In 2006, News of the Weird featured the 5-year-old boy who was set to enter kindergarten as a 5-year-old girl after his parents agreed with therapists that 5 is not too young to be formally switching genders. In 2007, pediatric endocrinologist Norman Spack started a gender-identity clinic at Children’s Hospital Boston, motivated by his observation that even preadolescents can be at risk to harm themselves if they are confused or angry about their sexual orientation. According to a March 2008 Boston Globe report, Spack first recommends drugs to delay puberty, to give the child more time, before moving on to the usually irreversible effect of gender-changing hormones. Updates -- In a well-publicized story in January, two New York City men were charged with fraud after they rolled a dead friend’s body in a chair from their apartment to a check-cashing store, propping him up to suggest that he was alive and wanted the men to cash his Social Security check for him. In May, a judge set the men free after they told him that the three had an income- and expense-sharing arrangement and that they thought their friend was merely incapacitated. Since the autopsy was inconclusive as to time of death, the charges were dropped. -- An Indonesian man whose skin disorder caused him to grow hideous, root-like tissue that overwhelmed his hands, feet and face, and who was featured on a Discovery Channel program in November, has now lost four pounds’ worth of the wart-like growths through surgery and a vitamin A regimen, and at last can grip a pen. American dermatology professor Anthony Gaspari, who is helping him, concluded that he has the human papilloma virus, which normally causes tiny warts, but because of an immune deficiency, the man was unable to restrain their growth. -- In April retired engineer William Lyttle, 77, was ordered by the town council in Hackney, England, to pay the equivalent of about $560,000 for repairing the damage he has caused to neighbors in his 40-year obsession of digging deep into the ground on his property, causing not only collapses of parts of his own home but in some cases the integrity of surrounding houses and the street. Authorities discovered a maze of tunnels underneath the 20-room house, in addition to the many holes in the yard, into which Lyttle had dumped cars and boats. Copyright 2008 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate. By Glenn McCoy |
