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Show A2 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, May 6, 2008 The News Off The Beaten Path MUG SHOT D E DA Z LIGHTER SIDE For Mother’s Day Hug Your Mom (With Both Hands) James L. Davis If my mom should ever ask you for a hug there is one vital piece of information that you need to be aware for your own protection: use both arms to hug because a one armed hug is not a true hug, unless one arm is all that you’ve got to hug with. My brothers and sisters and I have learned this handy piece of information over the years and the grandchildren have by now all been fairly well indoctrinated, although we all slip up from time to time and try to give my mom a one-armed hug, to which she responds “is there something wrong with your other arm?” Another vital piece of information when it comes to giving my mom a hug is that a hug is meant to be forceful enough that it is slightly painful. If you are close to but not actually breaking a rib when giving a hug, then you’re pretty close to giving a perfect hug. My mom didn’t always have an issue with how you gave hugs as long as you gave them. I have been known to give a hands free hug or two in my time, which involves resting your chin across the recipients shoulder and looking down, which I guess could be categorized as a head hug, if you were interested in categorizing types of hugs. My mom’s issues have evolved over the years, and today she takes issue with how hugs are given. Her issues used to be drinking out of the milk jug, not washing behind your ears, back talking and not eating all of your vegetables. These might still be issues with my mom, I’m not entirely sure. She hasn’t looked to see if I am washing behind my ears since I was in my mid-30s. All mothers have issues and are free to change those issues at any given time with or without notice. It’s written in the Mothers Handbook. They are entitled to do so due to the fact that they brought us into this world, which in the grand scheme of things is a fairly significant event in our lives. It is best not to draw too much attention to the fact that mothers have issues because they don’t like being told they have issues. It’s another issue they all share. My wife, for instance, has an issue with the word “yeahbut,” which I realize is not an actual word but is, nevertheless, a word heard quite often around our house. It is often the first word out of our kids’ mouth following any instruction given by an elder that the children do not wish to hear. For example, if one of us was to say “Go clean your room,” the response from our children would be “Yeahbut I was going to clean it tomorrow.” Another example would be if we were to say “Stop arguing with me,” their response would be “Yeahbut I’m not arguing.” I discovered that this particular Mother’s Issue of my wife’s was inherited, not from her mother but from her father. When he hears someone say “yeahbut” he wants to know immediately what a yeahbut is and where one might be found. I also discovered that this word originated with my wife. She apparently termed the phrase. I try not to mention this fact very often because my wife might have an issue with that fact. The truly amazing thing to me about Mother’s Issues is the fact that invariably it seems your wife will quite often have many of the same issues as your mother. For instance, when I was a boy I was terrified whenever my mom took me to a fast food restaurant. The reason for this was because invariably something was going to go wrong. It is a fundamental law of fast food restaurants that something always goes wrong. Usually this revolved around the food not being prepared according to order or there being too much or too little change given back. Either event was a major issue with my mom and you were going to hear about it. So was everyone else. This might still by one of my mom’s Mother’s Issues, I don’t know because I don’t go to fast food restaurants with her anymore. But I do go to fast food restaurants with my wife, and my children have informed me that my wife has the same issues as my mother about bad service. I, of course, knew this before they told me because I recognized the fear in their eyes when we go out to eat. The fact that we have Mother’s Issues to fret over is one of the great things about having a mother. The fact that they can change their issues at any given moment makes life more interesting. So for Mother’s Day I highly recommend that everyone give their mother a hug…with both arms. Photos by Mandy Davis The Folly of Volunteering A group of Orangeville residents made the mistake of volunteering to help with a beautification project at Creek View Park, namely to make it so you could actually see the creek, and in return for their generous volunteering nature, they were put through the wringer cutting trees and clearing out years of overgrowth at the park. Volunteers included Courtney Cox , Carole Larsen, Jeff Tuttle, Larry and Ruanne Leeflang, Terry Bell, Ruane Law, Bill and Karen Dellos, Claudia Cox, Jack Davis, and Mandy Davis Chuck Shepherd Lead Story “Many of my young patients think about getting plastic surgery the way they’d think about getting their hair done,” explained Dr. David Alessi of Beverly Hills, Calif., who is still amazed at women’s willingness to endure “extreme” cosmetic alterations. “Vaginal rejuvenation” (labiaplasty) might be the most sensational procedure, but surgeons also do “forehead implants” and ankle and shoulder liposuction, break and reset jaws to tweak smiles, and lengthen or shorten toes (for “toe cleavage” with certain shoes). Alessi told a Glamour magazine writer for an April story that one 25year-old recently asked him to “remove” her navel (whereas most umbilicoplasty patients merely request reshaping). Said a bemused colleague, “There’s some consensus about what makes for an attractive ... face, but we have no definition of the ideal navel.” Chutzpah! -- Gulfport, Miss., resident Michael Petro pleaded to a documentary filmmaker (in a clip later uploaded with his permission to the Internet) for help in recovering from his shattering loss during Hurricane Katrina, when his 115year-old house was destroyed. Since then, he said on the video (reported by WLOX-TV in April): “Church groups have not come through, the government has not come through, insurance has not come through like was promised,” and “(S)omebody has to fight to get these things back and going.” According to WLOXTV, the house that stockbroker Petro lost was 2,500 square feet, and the replacement he’s pleading for help with is 6,000 square feet. Said Petro to the station, “I’m not too proud to ask ....” -- Jerome Kerviel told reporters in April that he is planning to sue Societe Generale bank in Paris for unfair dismissal, even though he is the “rogue” derivatives trader the bank says cost it the The Duplex NEWS OF THE WEIRD equivalent of about $7.5 billion by making risky, unauthorized deals that came to light in January and for which he is under indictment for fraud. Kerviel pointed to an independent investigator’s conclusion that SocGen management had ignored 75 warning signs about Kerviel’s trades and continued to support him, but SocGen said Kerviel doctored paperwork to disguise trades. Ironies -- Cumberland County (Pa.) Commissioner Bruce Barclay resigned in April after disclosure that he had built a hidden video system in his home and recorded as many as 500 sexual episodes with unknowing men. While the videos may have violated state law (investigation is under way), one of them has exonerated Barclay of a separate rape charge filed by a 20-year-old man, in that the video evidenced a consensual relationship. (The young man has been charged with making a false police report.) -- Instant Karma: (1) In March in Leesburg, Va., driver’s license test-taker Nita Sureka was told by the examiner to park beside the Department of Motor Vehicles building, but she accidentally crashed into it, tearing a hole in the wall and forcing the department to close for the day. (2) The Manitoba (Canada) Bar Association, which was hoping to file a brief in a controversial police investigation case in Winnipeg in March, announced it would have to forgo participation because it lacked sufficient funds to hire a lawyer. Compelling Explanations -- World’s Greatest Lawyer: Oregon public defender Ethan Levi agreed to represent Eric Kincaid, 29, who had been identified by DNA as the man (in a miniskirt, wig and fishnet stockings) who one night last year had hidden in the closet of a woman he did not know before fleeing. Kincaid denied that he meant the woman any harm, maintaining that he had been invited by a mysterious second woman, whom he also did not know, to have sex but had realized after seeing the first woman that he was in the wrong apartment, and he left. In April, Levi convinced the jury to accept Kincaid’s explanation and acquit him of all charges. -- Well, That Explains That!: (1) Gene Morrill, 57, hoping for a shorter sentence after his conviction for soliciting sex from teenage boys over the Internet, told a court in Fredericksburg, Va., in March about his rough life as a child, beginning with the time he was sexually molested by Bigfoot. I Want My Rights! -- Student Vinicios Robacher, 15, said in March he was preparing to file a lawsuit against school officials in Danbury, Conn., over an ear injury. Robacher said that, while he had his head down, sleeping in class, the teacher slapped his desk so hard with her palm, to wake him, that he still has constant pain. -- Astrid Literski, in prison after pleading guilty to murdering her 4-year-old daughter in 2003, is due in tax court in Halifax, Nova Scotia, in May to argue that she should not have to give back $1,296 (Cdn) in tax benefits she was wrongly paid for the child during 2002. Actually, the girl was living with her father at the time, but Literski says she deserved the tax benefits, anyway, because she provided “emotional” support. People Different From Us What Housing Crisis? “This is heaven on earth,” said one resident living on burnedout lava rocks about a mile from the oozing Kilauea volcano near Kalapana, Hawaii, explaining the lure that he and his neighbors feel, having built houses by hand, collected rainwater to drink, installed solar panels for power, and planted vegetables between the rocks for food. Said one of the semi-hermit residents, to an Associated Press reporter in March, “I’m more scared of people than I am a volcano.” Recurring Themes -- Least Competent Criminals: (1) In March, Christopher Koch, 28, became the latest to wait outside a bank, building up his nerve to rob it, and then finally put on the ski mask and walk up to the front door (of the Citizens & Northern Bank, Liberty, Pa.), only to realize that it was by then 12:01 p.m., and the bank had closed at noon. (Employees got Koch’s license plate number.) (2) Angelo Trujillo, 20, became the latest, in March, to attempt to rob someone who was pumping gas (at a Smith’s store in Santa Fe, N.M.). The customer, Ms. Bernie Garcia, 83, calmly sprayed Trujillo with gasoline, sending him fleeing (but he was soon arrested). -- That Sacred Institution: The Al-Shams newspaper in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, reported in March that Mohammed al-Rashidi, 11, had just married a cousin, who is 10, remarking: “I am ready for this marriage. It will help me study better.” And in April, in a courtroom in Sana’a, Yemen, a courageous 8-year-old girl walked in alone and demanded that the judge grant her a divorce from the 30-year-old man her father had contracted to marry her. The judge, rejecting tradition, granted the divorce. Armed and Clumsy (all-new) More people who accidentally shot themselves recently: Mr. Roland Scott, the victim of a street robbery, took away the perp’s shotgun and started beating him with it, but jarred the trigger, and it fired, hitting Scott, fatally, in the stomach (Baltimore, March). A 31-yearold man, fleeing police after a “pump and run” at a gas station, lost control of his car, and the collision jarred his gun, firing a shot into his abdomen (Morgan County, Colo., March). A 20-year-old man shot himself in the groin when he stuffed a shotgun (that he had allegedly just stolen) inside his pants (Seattle, April). A 44-year-old woman recanted her rape and assault claims, admitting that she shot herself in the knee while reaching for a flashlight (Springfield, Mo., December). (Copyright 2008 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) By Glenn McCoy |
