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Show f ednesday,_'Septr6, ELF ESTEEM Tips for Developing Healthy Self-Esteem In Your Child From page 5 feel as though they don't belong. 'self-esteem, A good parent-child interaction chances are you've learned it can help the child feel imporfrom interaction from your tant," Calloway-Graham said. family. Low self-esteem can "For example, your kid asks for hinder the relationship with a hug or to play with him, pay your family. You're not able to be as inde- attention for a minute. If you're busy, talk with your kid and pendent as you would like to explain to him you will play be, you wouldn't stand up for yourself or be more assertive — more later." especially as a college student. Smith agreed with this Someone with low selfaspect of building confidence, • esteem will stay in more of the saying her parents never really child-mode of relating to family acknowledged the things she than as an adult relating to an was proud of. adult." "I have ADHD and in eleSomeone with low selfmentary school, I was always esteem is more likely to be in told to stop misbehaving and one or more abusive relationto get my work done," she said. ships, Kleiner said. This person "I got so distracted that I was will not feel he is good enough usually a project behind the and will not stand up for himother kids. But even when I was self, she said. getting things done on time, Calloway-Graham said there nobody seemed to care." are three parts to self-esteem: Calloway-Graham said said the way we see ourselves, the the same goes for communiway others see us and the way cation in adult relationships, .v we want to be. romantic or not. '•'{.••• "The way we see ourselves "Reinforce positive qualities. ..is greatly impacted by the way Give praise and feedback. Don't Vwe think our peers see us," she just tell someone they did some^ said. "I think one thing that is thing well; be specific about t J a problem for students is that what they did well," she said. •i 'sometimes you'll end up getting Student-teacher relationships ^ in an unhealthy relationship can also benefit from this skill. > and you don't know how to get "Professors on campus /^outofit." should encourage and empower 1 '.-; Smith experienced this side our students to be able to feel •i'effect of low self-confidence good about themselves," she "'firsthand said. "As faculty members we're . "When I got to high school . really busy, but I still think that &nd some guy asked me out' v-in our interaction we can take ... Jnat I didn't even know, I was. ~ :<££fae time to encourage the stu^hocked," she said. "That raised; dents." 'raifcself-esteem, but not enough .; A student can go away to lv[jthat in the relationship I was college and be determined to -"ableto tell him 'no' to certain? improve his self-esteem, Kleiner ^things. isaidf but when they go back to [r-?*; I thought he would get upset their family system and they . 'v-or not want to see me anymore. are reminded of the past, they .•' After dating him for two years, • need to prepare to deal with !*;1 got into a really abusive rela- , that. | ; tionship with another guy for There are many ways college Sr'five months." stuiients can improve their self%•-' But abusive relationships esteem the best way, Kleiner don't always have to be the says, is getting involved in romantic kind, Kleiner said, extra-curricular activities. noting friends and family can "People with low self-esteem manipulate and take advantage. do not get involved in activi"You need to have good com- ties and have lower academic municating skills. If you don't achievements. They feel they .listen to your children, they can can't do anything to change their life circumstances," she said. "People with high self-esteem have a tendency to set goals and overcome obstacles, get more involved and become leaders. As you do well in school, as you get more involved, that just increases your self-esteem." Smith said this technique after some pushing — helped her break through her confidence issues. "When I came to college four years ago, I met my now husband. He encouraged me to do what I thought was right, even if he didn't agree," she said. "I got involved in the Housing program, I joined a few clubs, participated in study groups and got a job." The effects of stepping out of her comfort zone were lifechanging, she said. "I feel that getting involved in activities, having a job and gaining better communication skills helped to raise my selfesteem," she said." I'm not the same person I was five years ago." As the school year gets off to a busy start and the pressures of jobs, extra-curricular activities and new roommates sets in, stress can also have a negative effect on a student's selfesteem. "You need to get a better perspective on what's going on. Sometimes students take on way too much like working full time and taking a full load of classes," Calloway-Graham said. "You need to develop effective time-management skills. If you don't, then you won't be able to juggle everything." "As the stress level increases, it becomes much more difficult to cope with the everyday struggles you might have," Kleiner said. "If you take somebody with low self-esteem, stress will just make it even more difficult to maintain those relationships. This person will have a harder time accepting critical feedback which just keeps increasing the feeling of the lack of personal worth." Sometimes parents are unaware of how easy it is to damage their child's self-esteem without even realizing it. The Coordinated Campaign for Learning Disabilities, along with Dr. Robert Brooks, have compiled a list of ways parents can develop positive feelings of self-worth in their children. 1) Help your child feel special and appreciated. One way for parents to do this is to set aside "special time" during the week alone with each child in the household. If the child is young, it is even helpful for the parent to say, "When I read to you or play with you, I won't even answer the phone if itrings."Also, during these special times, focus on things that your child enjoys doing so that he or she has an opportunity to relax and to display his or her strengths. 2) Help your child to develop problem-solving and decision-making skills. For example, if your child is having difficulty with a friend, you can ask him or her to think about a couple of ways of solving the situation. Don't worry if your child can't think of solutions immediately, you can help him or her reflect upon possible solutions. 3) Avoid comments that are judgmental. Instead, frame them in more positive terms. For example, a comment that often comes out in an accusatory way is, "try harder and put in more of an effort." Many children do try hard and still have difficulty. Instead say, "We have to figure out better strategies to help you learn." 4) Be an empathetic parent. Many well-meaning parents, out of their own frustration, have been heard to say such things as, ""Why don't you listen to me?!" or "why don't you use your brain?" If your child is having difficulty with learning, it is best to be empathetic and say to the child that you know he/she is having difficulty and involve the child in thinking about possible solutions. 5) Provide choices for your child. For example, ask your child if he/she would like to be reminded 5 or 10 minutes before bedtime to get ready for bed. These beginning choices help to set the foundation for a feeling of control of one's life. 6) Do not compare siblings. Highlight the strengths of all children in the family. 7) Highlight your child's strengths. Unfortunately, many youngsters view themselves in a negative way, especially in terms of school. Make a list of your child's "islands of competence" or areas of strength. Select one of these islands and find ways of reinforcing and displaying it. For example, if your child is a wonderful artist, display his/her artwork. 8) Provide opportunities for children to help. Children seem to have an inborn need to help others. Providing opportunities for children to help is a very concrete way of displaying their ' "islands of competence" and of highlighting that they have something to offer their world. Involving your child in charitable work is just one possible example. Helping others certainly boosts their self-esteem. 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