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Show 10 Friday, April 7,2006 797-1762 statesman@cc.usu.edu www.utahstatesman.com Utah Statesman Drilling rights to be offered on 440,000 acres of public land Staff Editor in Chief Brooke Nelson,., News Editor Yesterday, 1 readtheSouthern Heinberg's new book "Power Utah Wilderness Alliance's Down," on world oil and gas response to the recent BLM discovery, production and announcement of consumption have an unprecedented followed a predictoil and gas drill- John Gooddl able pattern. By ing rights auction. 1930, new U.S. oil Up for bid will be field discoveries had 440,000 acres of already peaked. By public land in Utah. 1970 oil production SUWA accused the from U.S. sources Bush administrapeaked, requirtion of rushing to ing ever increasing open more public amounts of foreign lands to oil and gas petroleum to stay drilling in order to ahead of exploding strengthen domestic demand. By 1960, energy supplies. I global discovery almost fell out of my chair. peaked (gas peaked in 1980) With environmental issues with the world production becoming more and more peak estimated to occur in the polarized, there comes the next 10 years. time when even a hardened In 2003, Exxon-Mobil's liberal nature lover (who hap- own head of exploration notipens to hunt, fish and eat fied the company's shareholdorganic tofu) begins to enter- ers that the world's oil and Daylight savings time natural to get up in the dark. don't do it. My brother lives tain dark thoughts about "them gas production from existing as the days get shorter there and when I call him (to madness should end But environmentalists." fields was declining despite I gradually get used to it. make sure he is still there) I increased levels of drilling at Editor, Let me explain. By the end of January it is have to think whether we 1) Two weeks ago Senator those same fields. He calculatgetting lighter again and it are on real time or the stuBob Bennettand Representative ed that overall world producThe time change has starts to get easier. Then pid day light savings time so Tim Matheson announced a tion will need to increase 80 made this week tough for we have to go and change I don't call too early. Why wilderness deal where more percent by 2015 just to keep me. My daughter, Winona, the clocks! My son, Sammy, can't we Utahans stand up, than 200,000 acres of new pace with projected demands. had to get a late pass tries to help me by moving like Arizona did, against wilderness was designated in I wouldn't want his job.Monday which means I had them up 1 hour and 10 min- this irrational archaic law? southwest Utah. With all the As early as the 1970s, U.S. to go with her to the school utes but it messes-me up. At least making the change backslapping going around on energy policy makers recog- office and face the "bad Why do we do this to closer to summer say May both sides of the isle, few envi- nized an impending oil crisis Mom" look from the secre- ourselves? Where exactly to September would make ronmental advocates seemed and our increasing depen- tary. is the law that makes us it easier for me. Talk to your to recognize it for the preemp- dence in Middle East oil (we It has always been hard spring forward and fall back representatives. Thanks. tive strike it was. By "trading all know were that has got us) for me to get up early espe- and now can we stop this favors," Utah legislators are and began emphasizing more cially in winter. It is just not madness? I know Arizonans Frances Bhushan preempting opposition to oil development of U.S. natural and gas development on Utah gas reserves. It appeared like public lands by offering wil- we had lots of it in the Rocky derness designation to those Mountain West, it was clean picturesque lands already burning and made in the good unsuitable for the petroleum old U.S. of A. Both liberaiand industry or too sensitive to conservative administrations ever allow drilling. began re-tooling American In a shocking new development, graduate Republicans, the electrodes would send elecinfrastructure to run off natural students working side by side with profes- trie pulses through their body, causing severe Like so many of our nonsors at Utah State University have developed discomfort. After several hours of these sesprofit environmental groups, gas. sions, many members of the treatSUWA is fighting tooth and • In the last few years, more a revolutionary new drug. Leading ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ m en rptu Qrnrt,pn t grouP began to understand nail for their conventional than 90 percent of all major phaVmacists and doctors testify this ^ V and slowly crawled toward the picidea of wilderness, when the electric generation plants built is the most important development i A t in of public lands the rest of us or planned for construction : medicine !:„:„„ since . : — the .[.„ discovery _i: _; tures of the various sane individuals, enjoy for hunting, fishing and are gas-fired. As natural gas is penicillin. meaning Democrats. Nevertheless, This new pill has been shown camping are spiraling down approaching one-third of the upon further investigation it became the drain in favor of the real U.S. energy use, more than to stop, the spread of, and even clear that these treatments were not in some cases completely cure, threat: The U.S. energy crisis working. These treatment groups Republicanitis. This mental disor- unfortunately not a liberal or were found watching Fox News and der occurs mainly in white, middle conservative issue. shouting out "strategery" in their > DRILLING class, Protestant males, but it has see page 7 7 sleep. It become clear that shock 2) According to Richard Guest reached across nearly all races, ethtreatment was not a solution to this nics groups and income levels. Even Column, horrible disorder. Other treatments, some women have contracted severe including education and starvation cases of Republicanitis. were tried, but all failed. Republicanitis can be traced throughout The medical research team at USU was the Kuman history. Symptoms have been docu- first to try and treat Republicanism as a mental I was recently asked in the limited water supply, you mented as early as 800 B.C. disorder. They discovered that there was in fact an e-mail, "What is it like in will only be able to take a Some of these symptoms include, but are a vast chemical imbalance present in most, if Iraq?" It's a common ques- three-minute shower. If you not necessarily limited to: an unexplained not all, Republicans. The portion of the brain tion that I've tried to answer want you can go ahead and affinity for big business, a complete disregard that connected logical thinking with the porprobably a hundred times take longer, but you might be for the care of our planet, chronic ignorance tion of the brain that carries out the orders was over to various people. Ifs a screwing the next guy out of of those that do not share in their delusional completely offline in most Republicans, tough question when I think his shower. disease, complete abandonment of minority "This began the search for the cure," says one about it, and I would doubt if When it comes time to causes, electing public officials that have the leading USU physiologist. "After we diagnosed I could ever give a conclusive eat, there is a facility run by approximate IQ of dirt clods, starting needless where the problems lay, we were able to idenanswer to anyone who asked food service contractors, and wars with no real action plan and, perhaps tify the chemicals that were essential to mainme that. You may have never they serve a pretty decent most disturbing of all, coining phrases like taining logical practices as human beings." wondered this yourself, but if meal. You'll have to walk "compassionate conservatism" and "strateDr. George Anderson of Cambridge you're interested, this is how about half a kilometer to gery," University explains the significance of the disI would put it: get there, though. Some forms of Republicanitis have even covery of this new treatment. The best way to As you and your Jgred been diagnosed in certain animals, including "Republicanism is the most common menexplain it would be friends are headed baboons, leeches and many forms of insects. Johnson tal disorder, in human history, affecting over to imagine a group that way, you hear Many with this disorder begin to rationalize 50 percent of the population at certain points of yourfriendsliving a loud siren start their psychopathic behavior saying, "Ifs not in American history. While it will take time in an area roughly blaring, followed a disease, it's perfectly normal to say 'stratfor those affected to realize the need for their the size of two Utan by a recorded voice egery.'" You may have even incorporated such medication, the faster we get this problem State campuses. All saying, "Incoming! phrases and mindsets into your daily lives. The under control, the faster we can advance as a around trie entire Incoming!" advice that 1 must give you is: if you voted, or society," he said. perimeter is a high It's the early would have voted for George W. Bush, YOU A cautionary note that many involved in the dirt berm topped warning radar sys- NEED HELP. development and distribution of this drug wish off with strands tem telling you to If you have a friend or family member that us to issue is to keep in mind that progress ot razor wire and hit the deck and you think may have become contaminated, will be slow. There are millions in our counobservations posts prepare for incom- confront them on this subject. At first, they try affected by this ghastly disorder; our own all around. Those observation ing rockets or mortar fire. will deny they have a problem, since denial is president has an exceptionally severe case. posts are manned 24 hours You all run for the near- very common in cases such as this. We must Many will wish to remain in their old ways a day with rocket launch- est cover you can find, but eradicate this disorder from each man, woman of war mongering and insanity, so we must ers and heavy machine guns before you get there, the and child contaminated if we wish to progress keep an open mind and try to offer a shoulder pointed outward. rocket hits about 300 meters as a society. to cry on tor the Republicans. For a place to sleep, you away. That's the usual, insurIt took many years to develop the cure for However, safety must come first, and some gents can't aim worth a crap. clear out an old two-story u ._ this disorder. Many experiments were con- Republicans may have such a longing to stay building, which has been Sometimes they get lucky, ducted in the 1950s using shock therapy. The in their own ways that they may become hoscondemned for 10 years, though', Republican volunteer would be placed in a tile toward those that are sane. and build yourself some little As you continue on your rubber room with electrodes attached to variNevertheless, the FDA has recently approved shelves to store your equip- journey, everyone points finous spots on his body. Inside the room, there the use of "Republican-proof pepper spray," rnent and uniforms. There is gers and laugns at your friend would be placed pictures of prominent politi- which has been shown to stop many of trie no plumbing in the building, that fell on his face during cal figures on opposite sides of the room. On more extreme symptoms , . . . r _ . . . wof .Republicanitis. ^, ^ „ a . It so yo,u are going to need to the short rocket frenzy, one, a picture would be placed of a prominent is advisable to keep a bottle of this spray with plan ahead when you need After chow time, you've to use the bathroom or show- got a mission to head out on historical figure with Republicanitis, such as you at all times until this epidemic is under er. When it does come time a combat patrol. The distance Hitler, Nixon, Sam Walton or Satan. And on control. If you find yourself thinking, "I'm going to to shower, walk outside and to your destination is about the other would be placed a hero of.democracy like FDR, Thomas Jefferson or Jesus - yes, vote Republican," don't worry, there's a pillfor head out across an area about „ _ there is early documental proof that he was, in that the width of the Quad where >IRAQ fact, a Democrat. Seth Bracken is majoring in journalism and the shower trailers have been As those infected would naturally gravipolitical science. Comments can be sent to see page 17 set up. In order to preserve tate toward the psychotic figures, meaning sethb@cc usu edu Letters to the Editor 'Republicanitis' is now curable Why it must be stopped before it drags society down Living in Iraq # )t ii Aaron Falki' Assistant News Editor -n Marie MacKay o Features Editor ° Steve Shinney'i] Assistant Features Editor ?j Emma Tippettsib Sports Editor Andrea Edmunds Assistant Sports Editor "' Bryan Hinton '•'> Diversions Editor ,r, Matt Wright ; o Copy Editor Lindsay Kitev Photo Editor _ Michael Sharp Assistant Photo Editor Jessica Alexander Editorial Board Brooke Nelson Aaron Falk Bryan Hinton Marie MacKay Michael Sharp Steve Shinney .Y o N n About letters • Letters should be limited to 350 words. • All letters may be shortened, edited or rejected for reasons of good taste, redundancy or volume IO of similar letters. • Letters must be topic oriented. They may not be directed toward individuals. 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