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Show - Page 4 m • ™ SUMMER UTAH CHRONICLE ARTS&ENTERTAINMENT Wednesdday, June 1, 2005 A sisterhood of dunces "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" Directed by Ken Kwapis Written by Elizabeth Chandler and Delia Ephron Based on the novel by Ann Brashares Starring: Amber Rose Tamblyn, Alexis Bledel, Blake Lively and America Ferrera Rated PG/120 minutes Opens June i, 2005 One out of four stars Ben ZaLkind Chronicle Asst. A&E Editor In the unconscionable tradition of "Now and Then," "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" aims to dupe the semi-neglected, teenage-girl demographic with a pyrite-spun tale of growth, self-realization and impossibly ironclad friendship. This contingent deserves a modern "Stand by Me"—a film that dislodges nostalgic memories, instills strength and candidly depicts adolescent life—but instead gets quack director Ken Kwapis' (of "Dunston Checks In" fame) condescending coming-of-age crock. "Pants" is nothing more than an inane, faux-deep palliative—a galling insult to any audience. Tragically, some viewers will nevertheless feel edified by its artifice. Based on the bestselling novel, "Pants" centers on four best-friendsfrom-birth who discover, by chance, the perfect pair of jeans—one that not only magically fits each of their different dimensions, but also flatters all makes and models of derriere. Before they part ways for the summer, the girls sign a "manifesta," which states that each BFF gets the pants for one week each month, and that letters chronicling each of their exploits must travel with said pants. sibly, the film doesn't do much in the way of following this statutory plotline. Thereafter, she feels dirty and depressed, and her father still won't talk to her. Weak Tibby (Amber Rose Tamblyn), a morose aspiring documentarian, confronts mortality in her 12-yearold, Leukemia-stricken assistant Bailey (Jenna Boyd). Instead of tugging at heartstrings, this superficial subplot triggers the gag reflex. Despite Boyd's capable performance, Bailey draws groans, not sympathy. Her ridiculously sagely, contrived ruminations on death—though, in a better-written movie, potentially enlightening—are incongruous and formulaic. No kid peddles Bailey-caliber insight, especially not the otherwise obnoxious Bailey herself. "Pants'" personality-trait-salad approach to characterization belies any genuineness that the movie might have conveyed. Every character is as hackneyed and unbelievable as Bailey—for a movie that relies so heavily on beHevability, this impotence is crippling. Bledel, for one, needs to work on not consistently portraying the same cookie-cutter character such as Rory (her role on the show "Gilmore Girls"). Her characteristically "My ass is WAAAAAY too fat for these jeans-now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go read 'Cosmo' and cry myself to sleep...agaln." understated line delivery is getting old, and I, for one, am sick of her icy, If it sounds to you like the makings Alexis Bledel) treks to Greece to visit that he has a brand new Aryan fam- rigid performances. of a bad porno, you're not alone. her extended family. There, she falls ily (Carmen and her mother are HisConsidering the vapidity of the The film alternates—seemingly in love with the swarthy, sexy Kos- panic) whom he clearly loves more. characters, Tamblyn, Ferrera and arbitrarily—among each of the four tas (played by Michael Rady), who For some reason, this causes her dis- Lively assume their respective pergirls' plotlines. happens to be the grandson of her tress. sonas with grace—at least it's clear The pants themselves, though at grandfather's mortal foe. If the movSince her mother died, Bridget that they're not talking corpses... first termed magic, forget their en- ie had followed this thread, it might (played by Blake Lively) hasn't reKwapis and his screenwriters chantment after a few minutes. They have salvaged some self-respect. ceived enough attention from her la- (Elizabeth Chandler and Delia Ephserve only as a story propeller—a Plump and feeling abandoned by conic father. A soccer super-duper- ron) have engendered an embarrasspretext to switch point-of-view and her estranged father, Carmen (Amer- star (who incidentally looks like a ment in these "Pants"—a sisterhood bring the friends together at the ica Ferrera) goes to visit him, and lingerie model), she attends an elite of dunces. Moviegoers of any gender end. they try to mend their fractured rela- camp in Baja, Calif., where she se- deserve better. The shy, prudish Lena (played by tionship. Upon arrival, she discovers duces an older counselor. Irresponbzalkind@chronicle.utah.edu Irritable Calendar Syndrome June 1 Wednesday a temperamental sphincter. What would we tell the folks back home? So, all weekend long, Calendar's been in the process of moving from one apartment to another. The reason? Well, let's just say our landlady wasn't too pleased with the dead hookers rotting under our floorboards-we tried to explain that it was a misguided Edgar Allen Poe reference, but she apparently hadn't read "The Tell-Tale Prostitute." The thing is, Calendar isn't much for manual labor-we had a job as a dish washer once back in high school, and about one salad fork into the gig, we were like "F*** this, we're going to Denny's." Logic follows that, when it comes to the heavy lifting, Calendar isn't exactly your go-to events listing. We'd much rather hire out the job to our 7-year-old cousin, Stacy, who has one leg and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, than lift a finger ourselves. Plus, the one-legged bowel thing is a limitless source of entertainment for all involved-Stacy doesn't care, she's a sweet kid like that. Yep, give us a cool glass of lemonade and a relative to exploit. Oh man...the one-legged-irritablebowel crowd is going to crucify us for that one. Maybe we can make amends by tipping them off to the Stereophonies show tonight at Club Sound (that mutant aberration attached to that mutant aberration, In The Venue, 200 S. 600 West) at 7 p.m. Tickets at the door. Does that little bit of information get us off the moral hook? Huh, guys? Huh? We really hope it does-it'd be monumentally embarrassing to have our asses kicked by a monoped with Go We're not sure, but we figure it can't be much more difficult than that time we had to explain to our inbred, mongoloid immediate family that we had contracted (from a public toilet seat-yes, it does happen) Denots and Hypogaja tonight at Liquid Joe's (1249 E. 3 3 0 0 South) -two rare diseases that cause...oddly enough...irritation of the bowels. June 2 Thursday Hold on, hold on-Calendar thinks we see a recurrent theme at work here. Oh, wait: Never mind, it was just an errant bumblebee. But man was that bumblebee reckless! It was all, like, flying into walls and stuff! Woooooaaah! It was so crazy, we named it Kelly! Reckless Kelly! Tonight at Ego's ( 6 6 8 S. State St.) 7 p.m.! Calendar note to anyone still reading at this point: Urn, sorry about that. That was a crappy attempt at hilarity, even by our low, low, subterranean standards. But, you have to understand the position Calendar is in-we have this editor, a former Third Reich man, Kommander Gherke, and he literally has us on a short leash. It's pleather, so we can't really complain, but still...deadlines are literal phenomena around these parts: Miss one, it's your ass. So, we're constantly looking for An Angle (performing with Steel Train) tonight at Kflby Court (741 S. 3 3 0 West) at 7 p.m. Tickets at the door. Jokes at Calendar-ville. Wow. and your best! Send your letters to letters® chronicle.utah.edu. us |