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Show _ don’t you eat crap and die, you filthy parasite.” Vicious went back to his motel, filled the tub with cold water and > climbed in. He sat there until after sunset. Placemat Legends and Campaign That evening, Vicious made his way to the Cow Canyon Cafe, the only place to eat in town. While he was there, Vicious discovered a ~ largely unknown Indian legend about “The Hairy Ones With Big Feet.” According to the legend, The Hairy Ones With Big Feet once Secrets wandered the desert around Bluff, In Which Dan Quayle Puts His Bigfoot in His Mouth stealing maize from the Indians and frightening their goats. A powerful witch doctor called Eagle With A Blue Beak had conjured up The Hairy Ones With Big Feet to terrorize the tribe, which had banished his only daughter, Big Bottom, for spitting into a sacred pond called Delightful Water Universe and angering the gods. Gods, being the way they are, had room, turned on the air conditioning and taken revenge on the Indians by drying up got into a tub of cold water. He pulled out his clipping file on the situation in Bluff and. _ their crops. Big Bottom, who lived in a cave with 12 sacred bats and a dog named Tail began to read. Without Scent, vanished, but not before Vicious learned that 10 days ago three cleansing the Delightful Water Universe men had attempted to steal a water truck in pond with her long silken hair. This cleansing Darango, Colo. In the process they had of the pond had become known to the killed a policeman, then headed for the Navajo as The Redemption of Big Bottom, Utah border. A BLM official had spotted the which was how Redemption Wash had gotten it’s name. Vicious learned all of this by reading a placemat at the Cow Canyon Cafe. By Trent Harris he story so far: Bigfoot got Robert. Redford to wear a communication device made out of windshield wipers, but it got knocked off his head in a scuffle and Redford disappeared into the woods. Scott Vicious, a reporter for Esquire who was there to cover the story, discovered that Dan Quayle had also been attacked by Bigfoot. Anyway, Esquire thought Vicious A terrible thing to lose one’s mind Ones With Big Feet. “Why do | feel like I’ve been down this road before?” he said. _ Vicious opened up his suitcase and pulled out an old story file on Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch. A few months earlier Vicious had done a piece on Hatch, who was pushing a constitutional amendment designed to make | flag-burning a felony. The truth was no one could remember the last time anyone had burned an American flag, and Later, Vicious sat in his room watching Dan Quayle launch his presidential campaign on TV. The first reporter asked, “Mr. Quayle, drug smuggling and illegal immigration are at an alltime high. If you are elected president would you consider using troops to patrol the border?” | “| realize that Mexico is our neighbor to the south,” Quayle began. “They do not was a nut so they sent him on another story to southern Utah. criminals two days ago at the head of Redemption Wash attempting to steal another water truck. Everyone figured the ‘killers wanted the water trucks so they could fill them up with fertilizer and diesel fuel and turn them into the world’s biggest rolling pipe bombs. What they wanted to blow up was still a mystery. After 10 days, a it was 116 degrees when Vicious pulled into Bluff. He checked into a small motel called . Devil’s Hot Hellhole, went to his hia oa chahge small army of FBI agents, local sheriffs, and Navajo trackers had failed to apprehend you ines a Fisher persay. the suspects. Vicious got out of the tub, put on his clothes and walked outside. It was so hot _ the dirt was melting. He headed for a small Air Stream trailer—the command center for the cops’ search efforts—parked on the school playground. He walked inside and up to a sheriff. “I’m Vicious from Esquire.” The sheriff eyed Vicious, then said, “Why @ Changing your used CDs to cash fa | 6661 ‘2 YIGWALdIS| 8 7 ig as easy as bringing them to CD Warehouse. It’s all the trading and selling at CD Warehouse that keeps our selection changing. So aside from the extra cash and hot new releases, you never know what you might find. ets aerAN its never Bh Saat the Same WAREHOUSE. bens oer" change. | was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret | have was that | didn’t study Latin harder in school so | could converse with those people.” Another reporter asked, “Sir, for every $1 spent on education in this country, $1 million is spent on the military. Do you see this as an equitable expenditure of tax money?” Dan straightened his tie and began, “First we must remember that the Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. So a strong defense is essential. But quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children, and what a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind | is being very wasteful. How true that is.” One more reporter piped up, “Mr. Quayle, what are the main differences between you and your opponents?” “One thing,” Dan said forthrightly. “People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.” Vicious scratched his head and won- the loose,” he muttered. Check out www.cdwarehouse.com, or visit us at: Redwood continue to make unfounded claims about their products without the FDA breathing down their necks. _ Then it hit Vicious like a kick from a bull. Then he picked up the newspaper and scanned the headlines. “Redford’s still on Tamed) Music Malaine S rer} south have a space program, but that could dered, “What is he talking about? at Road 7 everyone was certain that as soon as the amendment passed there would be a rash of flag burnings in protest. Still, Hatch had a nose for non-issue issues that would ensure re-election with his conservative constituents. In his story, Vicious had uncovered that Hatch got most of his campaign money — from the natural food lobby, which was financed in large part bya company called Acme Allied Amalgamate. AAA gave Hatch huge sums of money to ensure they could He tore through his notes until he came to page 24. It was true. AAA had recently launched a new product called Delightful . Water Universe. They had put tens of millions into an add campaign that claimed Delightful Water Universe came from a sacred spring hidden deep in the red canyon wilderness of Utah. They also claimed that their new product could increase a man’s penis size by up to 25 percent. Profits in the first three months had reached more than a billion dollars. Acme Allied Amalgamate had used its profits to purchase Financial Federated Conglomerate, which was the parent company of The International Entertainment Corporation ... which owned, among other things, Esquire magazine. Vicious glanced back at the television just as Dan Quayle named Sen. Orrin Hatch as his vice presidential running mate. To be continued ... Trent Harris, mastermind behind the films Rubin And Ed and Plan 10 From Outer Space, welcomes He studied a photo of Redford with the input from both confused and windshield wipers on his head. Then he enlightened readers. E-mail him at . « ethought about-Big Bottom and The Hairy « « = «& , frent-harris@m.cc.utah.edu. uae eet a OA |