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Show The View from Moab Explaining the Bovolexia Blues By Jim Stiles My friend Tynes showed up in Moab recently, my oldest friend who's still talking to me. At six-foot-five and almost 300 pounds, he and | have been called a latter-day Mutt & Jeff more times than | care to remember. But in more than a quarter century, I never realized he suffered from the dreaded rare disease that also afflicted me at an early age. As we'folled along Utah 95 at a high rate of speed, the truth spilled out: "Oh lord ... not NOW!" "What is it, Tynes?” "Stiles! I've got to roll down the window! Where's the damn button?" "It's right there, hidden behind your massive right knee." "There's no need to get ugly and I can't believe you have this Japanese YUPPIE scum car with power windows in the first place ... slow down!" "Tynes, what are you doing?" "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Mmmmmmm aaaaaaawwwwww! "Tynes?" RA wwww! There ... I feel much better now. Drive on." "My god, Tynes. Not you, too?" "Huh?" "You're afflicted." "What?" "You're a bovolexia sufferer. I can't believe lil buddy. Tell me how you came to realize you have bovolexia?" "I don't know if I can bear to recall it. But you are my oldest friend, so I guess you deserve to know. I happened about 15 years ago. I was driving the coast highway in northern California. I think I was some- it. The two of us ... both stricken by the where near Point Arena. It was late January Bovolexia Curse." "Bobo Lecksia" Wasn't he a pitcher for the Cleveland Indians inthe '30s?" "No, that :was Bobo Newsom, the great 398-game winning pitcher who played for a number of teams in a long career that and it had rained a lot, recently. So, everything was patticularly green and lush.” spanned some 23 years. I said, bovolexia." remarkable. And dotting the field were all "Bovolexia. What are you talking about?” "Tynes. You and I are both cursed with the dreaded disease, bovolexia. It's the irre- these Holstein cows. You know, Holsteins are the largest volume-producing dairy cows in the world." "No, Stiles, I didn't know that.” sistible urge to moo whenever you see cows in a field. "Oh my lord, Stiles. Say it isn't true. Is it contagious? Can it be spread through sexual contact or from toilet seats? Because if it can, my life isn't worth a plug nickel." "Make sport if you will, big guy, but it's nothing to laugh about.” "OK. OK. I didn't mean to make sport, "I guess when you live in the red wasteland, damn near éverything looks green.” I saw this beautiful pasture right on the edge of the Pacific. The color contrast was "Anyway, it was such a beautiful sight. And suddenly, without warning, I rolled hiker from Petaluma. I guess I scared her, too. She thanked me for the ride and climbed out of the car like her life depended on it. It was just as well, her patchouli oil was about to suffocate me.” "How long did you sit there and moo?" Oh, not that long. Maybe 10 minutes, 15 at the outside." "That's a long time to just moo. Generally, my mooing - my Jbovolexic episodes = only last as long as it takes to drive past the cows. I can't recall ever pulling to the side of the highway and just mooing. Have you seen a doctor?" "I hear there's no cure. Beside, I'm not going to spend 40 bucks for an examination. ] mean, what would he look for? What would he examine? He'd have to ask Don Holyoak to run a few steers through the medical center just to observe any symp- toms. I don't think they allow cows inside down the window of my old squareback and medical started to moo. I couldn't stop mooing. I pulled to the side of the road and continued health code or something." "Stiles, I think this is genetic.” to moo. I'd never felt happier in my life." "You're really beginning to scare me.” facilities anyway. Some kind of "What? What are you talking about?" "I think this is some hereditary trait pre- "Yeah? Well, I had picked up this hitchcontinued next page always | told you NOt to ride ae Ss your bike in traffic. about cutting you off. (Big sigh of relief from your mom.) Certification for use is no longer required, however a safety video can be viewed at the Transportation Information Center (596-0337). Call BUS-INFO for details. BUS-INFO Salt Lake County © 375-HNFO Utah County © 621-INFO Weber County © 734-2901 Box Elder County Sl 3DVd ¢ SAWIL NIVLNNOW PAGE 4 ¢ SEPTEMBER 1997 Thanks to our racks, you can lug your bike wherever your adventuresome heart takes you. And with.a 23-ton bus attached, cars will think twice |