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Show POINT BLANK Records Are Made to be Broken By Evan Cantor Records are made to be broken. As Ruth and Maris give way to Maguire and Sosa, so must Trujillo and Denesik pass the torch to Andrew Hamilton. Over the 1999 Labor Day weekend, this Boulder man completed a record-breaking quest. In 13 days, 22 hours and 48 minutes, he climbed all 54 of Colorado's fourteeners (peaks that exceed 14000 feet in elevation), breaking Trujillo and Denesik’s record by 72 minutes. I imagine that Andrew drove safely from each approved trailhead to the next and used only boots climbing each of the peaks. Whether or not he used painkilling medication to treat injury and exhaustion is probably a moot point. Nonetheless, if it turns out he was on steroids at the time, I’m sure the High Commission of Climbing would issue the appropriate statement of regret and indignation. Andrew was not the only one breaking records on the Labor Day Weekend. I myself travelled Interstate 80 between Rawlins and Rock Springs, Wyoming, in exactly 57 minutes and 37 seconds. Not only is this the record for a Holiday Weekend, it is the record, period. I drove like a bat out of hell, using only a passenger car filled with high-test gasoline. To generate the proper white-knuckled grip, I had my wife force-feed me a solution of granola bars dissolved in carrot juice through straws (my secret energy recipe). But enough about me. On this very same holiday weekend, Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass broke the one-hour record for drinking milk shakes while shaking his booty to music played at 100 decibels. At the Kremmling, Colorado, Dairy Queen, Across the state, just west of Gunnison’s sunny Main Street, another monument to personal excellence was nobly ventured and another milestone fell like so many dominoes. Epaminondus Adrastus Perkins broke the world’s record for raw t-bones devoured while driving a motorcycle on the open highway. Said Perkins before puking on reporters after breaking a record that had stood for thirty years, "I was a little worried about the E. coli danger, but figured at eighty miles per hour I’d outrun the little buggers." This same holiday weekend saw yet more glory. While Andrew Hamilton toiled an honest big-hearted real-life exploit demonstrates that truth can be as strange, both times myself. For the record, I have also driven an automobile to the summits of two Colorado fourteeners. The roads were already there. I was forced to use low gear, breaking no records in the process. Across the state...another monument to personal excellence was nobly ventured and another milestone fell like so many dominoes. Epaminondus Adrastus Perkins broke the world record for raw t-bones devoured while riding a motorcycle on the open highway. Of Andrew’s big adventure, I must admit that tall tales are often exceeded by the excess of truth itself. That the West, indeed, grows men to match its mountains. The world awaits these intrepid souls! Flinching only at the thought of mediocrity, failure and defeat with no laurels to hang upon the chest, these breast-beating champions of humanity illuminate us all with their brave exploits. Sometimes we are blinded by the shining light of triumph, numbed by the magnificence of a Snodgrass, a Perkins, or a Hamilton. I find myself awestruck in their august presence and rendered almost entirely speechless. brute calling himself "Slade" fought and defeated seventeen challengers in one 24-hour period. Other men may have won more fights in a day, but how many took place on the summit of Colorado’s mighty Longs Peak? Slade’s escapade (and hair) was cut short by lightning strike. Otherwise he might have finished off the seven others patiently waiting their turn in the rarefied air of that lofty summit. SUBMISSIONS TO POINT BLANK: Send all essays (under 1000 words) to THE ZEPHYR, P.O. Box 327, Moab, UT 84532. Or email them (6ut NOT as an attachment) to: zephyr@lasal.net. They will be selected on the whim of the publisher. Winners receive a five year subscription to The Zephyr | AND NOW...ERIC & HEATHER SAVWAH | BOB, | WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW CONCERNED HEATHER AND | ARE ABOUT GUR WORLD! THAT'S WHY WE THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO BE LOW-4MPACT RESIDENTS OF PLANET EARTH,,, WE MAKE SURE WE RECYCLE ALL OUR ALUMINUM, CARDBOARD, ~ PLASTIC, AND GLASS! OUR NEW HOME USES RECYCLED MATERIALS INCLUDING 14 INCH OAK BEAMS WE TRUCKED HERE FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE! REMEMBER THAT SHIPPING BILL HONEY? YOU WENT THRU THE ROOF! UH...YEAH, SWEETHEART. WE HAVE A PHOTOVOLTAIC SOLAR ARRAY THAT HEATS QUR INDGOR POOL AND THE JACUZZI! OUR BMW RUNS ON LP GAS AND WE ALWAYS ve ' pbb ’ ade = SO OF US PLAN TO TAKE A BIKE RIDE ACROSS THE NEW NATIONAL MONUMENT NEXT WEEK! WE'RE STILL WORKING OUT THE DETAILS WITH THE CATERER! if not the dancing Snodgrass quaffed 75 chocolate shakes before keeling over in a coma. That's one-and-a-quarter shakes per minute! The record is legitimate because these were full size shakes, not children’s portions. on the last of his fourteeners, Hamilton’s stranger, than fiction. And not much different than any tall tale. Make no mistake: Warholian minutes of fame endure. At least until the next bright fellow “gets it into his mind" to break the “Fourteener Record." As a monumental exercise in self-aggrandizement, this kind of event turns life into competition, celebrating hubris and its conceits at the expense of both spiritual nourishment and a frail environment. But I’m not going to rain on Hamilton’s parade. He probably got snowed on already, climbing those 54 mountains. I’ve only tried them twice and got snowed out Sh etic WE'RE NOT EXACTLY oe: WE'RE JUST GLAD TO HAVE YOUHEREAS = BUTWEALWAYS FULL TIME COME HERE HOME IN MALIBU TOO. THE VILLA ie RieteuR RESIDENTSOF IN APRIL! THANK GOD SCHIZO COUNTY. IN'T FORGET AND I'D BET THEY ONLY SMOKE CUBAN CIGARS. |
