Show "I’ve lived king enough to know that things are not "011’ Saint Peter replies ‘That'sGodHe thinks said husband was Barbara never doctor'” he'ia "My predictable" Barbara's make to choices” eyes lit up with impish delight But I knew given theopportunity ' : 1 that like a doctor speaking to a I wondered whether Barbara’s calm :' and poise were real She showed no :i S31Q 'WHS'' Paent K had used her words fear no anxiety despite the prospects carefully ' we were contemplating Could someone HO ITICCUCiriC '" ’'V-- ' Barbara’s remissioa lasted sevreafly transcend the deep fear of death en months Then the tumor startthat seems tomark us all? ' “ ed growing again in her liver ' Barbara had the erqiectedside effiects ' i "More rabbits to pull out of O from the treatment She lost all her hair (v( the hat?’ Barbara asked when I told her the results of the scan : CIO but despite the suggestions of friends v :v I said there wererefused to buy a wig! Instead she spairt- -' ' “How good are they?” ed a scries of bandannas that she tied I explained that we had back- tightly around her heald Hariey-Davidsa “All I heed is a up drugs But the chance of rcmis- - UlCK l ' ’ ' 'ShCSSld VOll j I13V0 - pairof aviator sunglasses and sheer and i'll be set for thepart” she said when I commented on one to giveYou have the medicine ' "You forgot the tattooon your biceps? : ‘“Howdo you knowidon’t have one?” “Because I examine you regularly" ’‘Well one day I may surprise you” l ’hree she said "You are aperson of faithAnd I heard that sometimes you pray for your patients" I looked down sheepishly Everything Barbara said was true but I’d never had a seriousdiscussioa about my religious beliefs with a patient Barbara sensed my uneasiness "Do you know the joke about Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates?” she asked I didn’t “Well one day there's a particularly large number of saints waiting to enter Heaven Saint Peter of course hits to check their credentials one by 6ae and that takes hours" Bartwra paused “But these being saintly people they all wait very very patiently Then all of a sudden ' out of the blue someone wearing a white coat with a s tethoscope in ins pocket jumps the line walks to the Sort of the queue and breezes in through the Pearly Gates V “One of the saintly people approaches Saint Peter He says: ’Saint Peter we've waited a long long time' and then all of a sudden that guy wearing awhile coat with a Stethoscope in his pocket just walks past you ' right into Heaven What's that about? ! ''' PARAOC MMA8NC itiaoosmaai J''' say' j I ‘ r I L 'he treatment caused the in- - flammationofherhandsand feet but her stoical nature was such that I learned about it only when the inflammation was in foil bloom “It’s a miserable bore” she said after finally acquiescing and taking pain medication She agreed to take a prescription for a stronger r painkiller ' The next day when I visited' Barbara'sminist theRev Bill Babcock was there “I can come back later" I said “Three’s hardly a crowd” Barbara said "Anyway - -- ' we weren’t discussing state secrets ' —just the hymns I want sungat my funeral” Her voice was even j "The eulogies must be limited to five minutes a nuntite more'' is she said “If there one thing I can- not abidi it is those endless dron- GfOOpman ing eulogies heaping on praise and not mentioning die juicy sins every- one really wants to hear”' Reverend Babcock shook his - liead ili mock dismay ! "Ami don't think” Barbara said : turning to me “thal I don' t have a V' trove pfpieocadillo - :“No more tfian anyon else! Barbara” Reverend Babcock said! ' “I have enough Pride above all And pf course moments of terrible Commandment ' nvy- ' : Bill it’s jmt impossible" For months Barbara had sustained a determined spirit Now that she knewthem reality ofher condition I had expected fo see a change But she seemed undeterred 1 won-- : tiered if it would prove to be a facade that would crack! Of was U actually possiMeto subsume fear and face death with such apparent equanimity?' W : Df JCfOg ' '! - : I ' ' sion was lower and its duration was usually shorter than before ' Barbara took in this informs!- ' tion with a pensive look”You know what my limits are” she saM "and I thiqk you know what my aims are Iwant as much time as pos- siMe to live as well as lean I have ' many things that I want to do andean do I’m not ready to give up” I said I wasn’t either We would go into this with our eyes open bright-redbandan- months into the treatment Barbara was entering' remission As her exhaustion passed L she was able to assist part-tim- e at the chinch and read the weekly lesson to the children Whentheeffccts of the drugs were at their least she usually traveled to see fridids One weekend' several of her old Vassar classmates arranged theater and dining in Manhattan "But you ruined my taste buds!” Barbarasaid to me when she returned "I wangle a free dinner at an extravagantly expensive restaurantandeverytfaing tastes like tapioca” Her toneturoed more serious “I saw the in your officeandthe thawing of die rainbow" books r t Barbara received another three courses of chemo- ' therapy but the tumor seemed to shrug off the drugs After the last cycle I admitted her to the hospital The time had come for me to tell Barbara that I knew of no drugs that could ameliorate her condition I chose to visit in the early eveningwhen the hub--' bub of the hospital had settled down so there would be ' less chance of distraction and interruption Barbara greeted me warmly as she always did I moved a chair close to the bedside arid grasped her hand After we chatted fora short time J began to break the bad news "Barbara we’ve known each other for well over a ' year and we've been honest with each other every step of the way Briefly her lips trembled and then she regained her' composure! Her eyes told me she knew what I was1 s about to v "I know of no medicine that I can give you at this ' VV point to help you"' Wesat in heavy silent Barbara shook her head"NotJeiry”she said “You do have something to give You have the medicine of - : she propped the prescription in her ci00p fCST of death that a book on my shelf that I had read hot long before: Doctoring by Dr ' Eric Cassel a primary-car- e physi- cian who wrote it at the end of a long career He articulated a feeling I hid vaguely sensed but never folly realized: There are some patients whom a doctor grows to love It is a unique type of love It moves outside the bounds of the usual doctor-patierelationships feelings and thoughts are no longer strictly professional and are shared among true friends Barbara had sparked that love in me - Tth S06IT1S tO US H? nt ' ulli-matc- ly : Continued |