Show A14 — The Herald Journal Logan Utah Sunday December 21 2003 A Toyota driver i'- you're the only guy in America who doesn’t drive a pickup truck You drive d Toyota Camry because in your line of work — accountant the largest payload you haul is Chi- - is f t you re a little P'“nKry secutivehours of 1 ' ‘ are envious ? ' settle on the sofa : and turn on the pregame show and thev' first thing you" see is a coni- mercial for a pickup truck' This isfol- lowed by another cbm-mercial for a pickup truck and then for a change of pace several more commercials Tor pickup trucks Then there's about 45 seconds of men talking about football followed by still ini commercials for pickup trucks At this point you start to wonder if ulates them by bangjng his )iead violently against the roof of his cab That’s how manly he is And he needs to bemanly for is there is trouble at the always trouble at the rig in in rig-Dier- e and it tools: men who do not mind getting always requires the man to save the day byhitchin'his truck with a heavy chain to some ' massive : object — a tree a building a tectonic plate Sen Edward M ' " Kennedy — and towin’ it up a boul- mountain Then it’s quit- tin’ time as indicated by the sound ' of Bob Seger shrieking “Like a v rock! Qoaiooooowww like a rock!’’ ' with the intense sincere passion of a man who has a rabid shrew in his undershorts commer-rigcnv- y now you wish you had one You have By the 15th pickup-truc- k cial you are ho longer able to focus on the pregame show because Of course you could not get to the you’re feeling deeply insecure about ng in your Camry because you have ' the size of your Camry You wonder That over boulders show drive jo if you could trade it in for a pickup your truck-drivi- der-stre- ' - - ' jiiK Continued from A7 manufacturers He took on the drug company testimonialsrdreg-take'The ignorant returning to health from some disease which he has overcome by the natural rcsistant powers of " his body dips his pen in grati-tud- e and writes his testimonial ' ' Theman whodics in spite of ' or perhaps patent medicine ' because of it --77 doesn’t bear wit- it Wei what didforhim ness p ' : sce recoded on the favorable : : ' results: the unfavorable lie v ‘ silent "Adams said Henlso exposed the r" ' in patent medicine advertising ' Many newspapers of the Victorir an era relied on advertising rev- ' ' “ cnucs from the patent medicines :r ' As state and national movements to the curb periodically sought industry themedicinc makers' : ' J go publishers to fight along side them Many advertisers included y : - a famous “red clause" (named - because it wns printed in red ink) ' that canceled the contract if unfaviSrablc laws weie passed ' n" ar - truck Of course you’d have to con-vinyour wife that there were practical benefits ("Look honey! It has a 1700-jioun- d payload! I could cany 250 gallons of wonton soup!’’) But wife would never see the need for a truck Your wife is -- r face it — a woman And just then when you’re starting to get really depressed they finally stop showing truck commer- cials You heave a sigh of relief only' to realize they are now showing: Viagra commercials Dozens of than interspersed with Levitra commercials They're all basically the same: A man ---a rugged man far more ' manly than you — openly acknowl- : his with he had problems edges that rig But then he took a pill and ZING he can perform again! He can play professional baseball! He cah (winkwink) throw a football through ce If he can't find any boulders he sim- sweaty and dirty In the morning white-coll) when Camry drivers like you are applying underarm deodorant these men are deliberately perspiring and smearing dirt on' their bodies preparing to go work on the r Y-- - of the manly' the trik commercials bulging men with manly bulging vehicles men who handle large con football 1 ways geti lie largest - ieta say you're a middle-age- d a Sunday afternoon and It's guy V You with a bad casie of pickup truck envy : ' (uni'i i-- i6 w ( red-clau- se I I O V'M - ' : : ' ‘ u o New improved formula Though the Pure Fcxxl and Drug Act would put many of the - nostrum manufacturers out of business Df: Pierce's stayed j - (ingoing campaign irums and singled c favorite Prescription i' pfiipiffm alcolKil and digitalis: ' Pierce's company immediately Tiled a $20(j00() libcl suit elaim- - ' ing the medicine contained none "of thoseuThe Massachusetts '' 'analysis he (Bok) had depended ' upon was aquaiter of a'ceritury ' out of dale ncw arialyses run by chcmiists hired for the purpose confinricd the Pierce coin- - Q — ' : - I o a w 1 is The 'ftSSC HTfIjn (the one after his death) might after all- what more could have patent medicine and quack medical V devices given tothe'worid afta prostate gland wanha to the recto rotor and the nose have been inevitable - ! : ener? Jim v - iS m mm Z ' —f ' ' i ' - I ' n’ Cfl liiHiKii ' i bedroom and your wife wanted you to — in fact practically begged you to — throw the football through the tire Blit you were “too tired” Sjo now on thesofa y ou area husk of your forma self a man with a tiny shriveled Camry wondering if you should ask your doctor about Viagra But that would mean going ' to the doctor's office which in your imagination has a giant neon sign outside that says “VI UjRADOC- PROVIDING VIACRA FOR GUYS WHO NEED VIAGRA!’ Also in your imagination there are pickup-driviguys outside the doctor’s office waitin’ on some kind of rig As you drive up in your Camry they give you noogies through your moonroof This is what you’re picturing as you lie on your sofa curled into the fetal position when finally mercifully the pregame show comes to an end and the actual game is about to start' Are you ready for some football? No tor atuq! ' You try to ignore these comma- cials You tell yourself you don’t need this product But then you remember all those nights when after a long day you went into the v t t ' 4 A ' “ : |