Show The Herald Journal Logan Utah Sunday May 2 2004 — A5 The ins and outs of outsourcing u By Dave Barry Tribune Media Services 13 eforc we get to today’s ‘J Today we Americans are dimly aware that our TVs column I have an important announcement regarding outsourcing ' “Outsourcing” is a business expression that means in layperson’s terms “sourcing out" It’s a trend that started years ago in manufacturing which is a business term that means “making things” You youngsters won’t believe this but there was a time when Americans actually made physical things called “products” right here in America Workers would go to large grimy buildings called “factories” where they would take a raw material such as iron ore and perform industrial acts on it such as “forging” and “smelting” By the end of the day as you can imagine they smelt terrible (rim shot) but they had turned the ore into something useful such as a locomotive or a toaster or (this was not a big seller) a toaster-locomoti- computers cell phones underwear dentures cartoons etc must come from SOMEWHERE but we have no real clue who is making them or how tries are being outsourced Take for example “Technical Support” which is the department you call when you are having a technical problem and need to be placed on hold Today when you finally get through to a human he or she is often in a different country This is good news and bad news: THE GOOD NEWS IS: The foreign Tech Support people are smart educated and eager to help and they speak fluent English THE BAD NEWS IS: They speak it in such a way that you understand only about every fifth word I recently had a problem with a computer so I called Technical Support which in the case of this company is located I believe on Mars and although the person on the other end sincerely tried to help the only word I consistently understood him saying was “David” I felt like the dog in the Far Side cartoon who’s getting a stem lecture from his master but the only thing die dog understands is his own name: TECH SUPPORT GUY: David wokm todelc strsprot David Cnygv meth ve of course we don’t make anyIf thing you give iron ore to modem Today American workers it will get into their Starbucks mocha latte and they will sue you and they will win The making of things was outsourced decades ago to foreign nations such as Asia Today we Americans are dimly aware that our TVs computers cell phones underwear dentures cartoons etc must come from SOMEWHERE but we have no real clue who is making them or how We have enough trouble figuring out how to remove the packaging After we stopped making things America became a “service economy” which is a business tom meaning “an economy where it is virtually impossible to get service” But now even our service indus- meant” no less if only behind closed doors Exposing such hypocrisy was an issue of the day But whatever political significance dirty words had they have long since subsided into die junior high vernacular of the day You expect them you see them coming by the dozen they roll over you in movies on cable TV in and rock music leaving you limp with boredom They are nothing special Am I being priggish? Perhaps but no more so than Holden Caulfield still something of a hero for the post- World War II generations ' Remember how Holden throws a minor fit toward the end of “The Catcher in the Rye” when he sees the all around him? It becomes an emblem of all he finds debased in his society He not only wants to erase the word wherever he sees it he’d like to kill the “dirty kids” who scrawl it on the walls There was gallantry to Holden's con- cem He worried that “little kids would see it and how they’d wonder what the hell it foul-mouth- ed hip-ho- p rd Guild to establish a quota: three uses of each major expletive per movie? Or better still foe Modem Language Association might n declare that smut has lost its official status as obscenity We might then draw up a new list of dirty words imploring writers to preserve linguistic pungency by using them sparingly Where would we find foe words? Surely the Hottentots and the Inuit have some good dirty words Or we might appoint a committee of literary notables to create a collection of neologisms to be used only for especially powerful effects Words like drosh hurp shroik blevving and blork — spludge-nukk- airport screeners Spartanburg SC A investigation by the Homeland Security Departsourced) — When you take a commercial airline ment has uncovered shocking facts: Government workers flight the plane is actually being conaren’t more efficient than pritrolled from India by a girl remote-contrvate sector employees in a one holding joystick What a surprise hand and a lollipop in the other The The government did a poor “pilot” in the front of your plane is a retired security guard whose sole responjob from the very beginning It failed to screen the people sibility is to notice when the plane starts it was hiring as security shaking and make an announcement that screeners It hired thousands you are experiencing turbulence — When you go to the hospital for without properly looking into their backgrounds surgery after the anesthesiologist puts Now a new report has been you out your body is OK you don’t want to know issued by the Homeland The point is that EVERYTHING is and the ' Security Department being outsourced In a few years the only investigating arm of Conindustry left in the United States will be gress It found that airport “reality” television A lot of people think security is lax and the Transthis is bad Congress recently tried to portation Security Adminispass a law against outsourcing only to tration is too bureaucratic discover that all federal legislation since 1997 has actually been produced in Taiwan So outsourcing is here to stay Which leads me to my announcement: Starting today I will no longer personally write my column It will be produced by foreign humor workers who rest assured are highly trained You will notice no dropoff in quality as you continue to enjoy die wacky hmogrins of fblsevry lftht hvfrsmnyrs aqdrfltns abtfbls not making this up rltnjgh alrtrds a good name for a rock band NEXT WEEK: Have you ever noticed that Mgrgjhr hvfrdf? Ha ha from that! Booger ol asaiigg CltltlAMOH BURST MEAD FOR MOTHER'S OATI 6rsetHarnst Gnomon Mother's Day is coming bred makes AM tha BBT FUHU Also Join us on MY 111 L L¥mAAA TOUT in tha at Mactys Little Well be demonstrating some great Horn’s Day or pick up a copy of the ’tapes at SraatHarmtH Detective Wesley Land Logan City Police Department ’ Presenting: Maintaining a Safe Home git Teacher Appreciation k Environment this weak Teachers tew gifts from Great Hardest! ' seminar will 6e at 7fflpjn‘nyimdayl May 5 2004 at Aspen Qnoefguptton Center 860 tyrth 600 Tost in Logan 37 W CENTEX KOGAN OT For more information call 7874412 &CELSON FUNERAL HOME 752-32- 61 563-562- 1 162 East 400 North Logan A Tm£tion of Trust Since 194S er meaning - Why just give a present when you can give a piece of the future Anglo-Saxo- - The outrage here is not that the government workers are not an improvementThe outrage is that anyone thought it would be different The federal takeover of airport security made sense It was worthwhile to standard- ize and unify airport security policies and procedures around the country Once they are standardized and unified they can more easily be improved But efficiency does not automatically come with government action That’s a lesson for all federal lawmakers and officials to take to heart The immediate goal must be for the Transportation Security Administration to take these warnings seriously and improve security before terrorists again take advantage of poor security- Herald-Journ- al 'Good Mourning' Is these any chance we might prevail upon the Writers Continued from A4 The lesson: Screen - serilnbr? ME: The serial number? You want the serial Number? TECH SUPPORT GUY: Thtsndy ndim-sn- g David Logndr btmmrstit David? ME: What? TECH SUPPORT GUY: Sit David! Lie down! But we might as well accept it: Out - Words sourcing is here to stay And it’s happening EVERYWHERE including industries that would surprise you: — When you order a hamburger at a McDonald’s drive-thr- u the person who’s taking your order is actually located in the Philippines- Your hamburger is physically cooked by workers in China then transmitted almost instantaneously to the US via a high-spee- d Digitized Beef All Line of this happens in (DBPL) Patty less time than takes you to pick your nose: (And soon even THAT will be out- National view (expletives delet- ed) qiAakS iKD'olib IrtHM As for writers who refuse to play along well the commit- tee might send them a letter putting them on notice: “No more shroiking awards for PIANO SALE you” AT Theodore Roszak is professor emeritus of history at California His State University-Haywar- d most recent bqiok is The Devil and Daniel Silverman UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY Numerous pianos that have been on loan to USU’s Music Department will Ire sold by Saturday Diamond Earrings for Mothers Day May 8tli Grandsbaly grands consoles professional uprights and digital pianos will be offered at substantial savings Many pianos are less than a year old and are under manufacturer's warranty These pianos will be offerer! first by priority appointment before being sold to the Special Event Financing Sale and Service through general public Simple Mimic Emporium but ejegant Adorned in diamond earrings she will feel cherished & appreciated 000 c(8X0 OS QBXHM3 HKORIOOSWO’ OQtWL Hu SMUM0 mm 141 N Main 7527149 wwwjeneedhamxom CteG&Sfc QS&SjQTs’oSHBO (IKOGHkMEi HUD&QK&i HE Saw MatfiifiN-M- (QjQRxB) This event to be held in the Chase Fine Arts Center Flue Art BaiMin) on Campus Logan rhone Number: — Sfcdak 435-797-78- iM Thrairr A (BtiGQ) 81 FOR ADVANCED APPOINTMENTS CALL: 135-797-78- 81 |