Show i - The Herald Journal Logan Utah' Monday March 4 2002 — B3 SHERMANS LAGOON KYiurrm Armp pr mm BRQNzaon YWjrr? MBtUHNGtPtm PFipeaPtPMarn panmmMOOH mat ml Jlpn m ‘The Osbournes’: It ain’t Ozzie and Harriet ' t U600R CATHY BUS-CU- S ME 7 WTH TANK MUM T own MUTE SCI TK&USEOTDFtT! UttE van ton ximsa K3ECTED TEE £0 WIUTES LAST ItfMtir MD IT FIT!! ' WMrCOF PERTCCnOMBUT IflEU NEVER 6CT : ROOF THE NEW YORK (AP) — The boxes ore stacked outside the Beverly Hills home ready to be carried in Each is neatly labeled: “pots and pans” “linens” “devil heads” “dead things ” Plainly Ozzie and Harriet aren’t moving ui This Qzzy is Ozzy Osbourne the heavy metal rock star and his family Their arrival in the neighborhood heralds a hilarious new MTV series “The Osbournes” that premieres 9:30 pm Tuesday MTV describes it as television’s first “reality sitcom’’ a format that suggested itself naturally Because nothing they could invent around die Osbournes would be as funny as their actual V:' tv lives Just the idea of the Black Sabbath founder who will forever be known for biting the head off a bat during a 1982 concert as a family man seems strange Yet leather and black mascara can be deceiving Osbourne 33 is slightly addled but sweetly ' funny — and under everything a lot like the dads you’ve been seeing in television sitcoms for generations Watch a bewildered Ozzy fruitlessly try to navigate a satellite TV remote control begging son “I’m stuck for help from his on the Weather Channel” he says “Amgggh-hh!!- ” MEMORY- - 6ENERATO INM6G0F fERFGCTION: BEETLE BAILEY put-up- mu THE START OF A MW WEEK AMP MOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEAN m on His wife Sharon is a formidable talent manager in her own right who organizes the popular Ozzfest summer concert tours' She leaped to Ozzy’s defense at a recent when a reporter asked whether MTV would Osbourne’s occasionally indecipherable dialogue “Who said that?" she demanded When the reporter stood up Sharon swore at her Indeed expletives appear to be the Osbournes’ favorite form of conbnunication episode dialogue is During the first bleeped out 39 times The “South Park” kids would be proud Two of die couple’s three children — Jack and Kelly — are featured in the series A third older child opted out Jack’s something of an oddball having trouble fitting d in at school The appropriately Kelly is like any teen-agembarrassed by her parents In a future episode Ozzy talks to Kelly about the dangers of getting a tattoo Dad also gives Kelly and Jack a lecture one night as they’re about to go out “Don’t drink” he says “Don’t take drugs If you have sex wear a condom” A horrified Kelly looks like she can’t get out of fee room fast enough There’s trouble with the neighbors too The family next door plays music too loud and it’s driving the Osbournes crazy They’re nothing like one of their former neighbors Pat Boone and his family who were “the best neighbors we ever had” Sharon said “ We had Pat Boone on one side and Meat Loaf on the other” Kelly recalled “It was sort of like a Satan sandwich” Ozzy said The Osbournes had been thinking of turning their lives into a television show for a while news-conferenc- (LV close-capti- HAGAR THE HORRIBLE on te high-stru- pink-haire- ng er PEANUTS I S UXMOERIFniS F0S5IBLE TO HAVE AN ENTIRE SEASON RAlNEP OUT UCT MOTHER GOOSE AND GRIMM AP Photo The Osbournes Ozzy left Sharon Jack and Kelly are shown Ozzy the heavy metal rock star and his family are the subject of a new MTV series The Osbournes” which premieres at 9:30 pm Tuesday after a segment about their home life on the MTV series “Cribs" Television executives they talked to wanted to build a tional show around them They didn’t want to be like “Ozzie & Harriet” where the people were real but their television life wasn’t ' “We’re not the Partridge family” Sharon said “It had to be real or we wouldn’t do it MTV agreed to do it as it was and just leave it well-receiv- ed pure” So they agreed to live with cameras every- where for a few months “We all learned a lot ' about ourselves — that we all swear too much and have bad tempers” she said sibJack and Kelly bicker like all teen-age- d lings With insults — and objects — flying between them an exasperated Ozzy says at one point “I love you all I love you more than life itself but you’re all (expletive) mad!” “We argue” Sharon explained “but at the end of the day we all love each other” What family couldn’t relate? One reason the Osbournes did the series was to demystify their lives Look beyond the Beverly Hills home stocked with Ozzy’s collection of devils and crucifixes and viewers will see lives that are (Hetty mundane “What is a functional family?" Ozzy asked-“I know I’m dysfunctional by a long shot but what guidelines do we all have to go by? The Waltons? What I’m trying to say is what is the family that we should all take our inspiration from?” America meet the Osbournes - ‘Beasts’ is a beauty of a novel By Elizabeth A Konnody Associated Press Writer Book review voluptuous” and “sloe-eyeknockout Ha face is “a mask powder” and gobs of mascara are “thick dark and chiseled’’ but hardly a of pale gr&iny Her eyebrows and ha lips d” “Beasts” (Carroll & Graf 138 pages $1595) by Joyce Carol Oates Joyce Carol Oates’ new novel is a slim one but it packs a serious punch “Beasts” — at only 138 pages — is dripping with a creepy Gothic atmosphere Blood spills virgins are despoiled and the characters have suitably theatrical names including Cassandra Dominique Penelope apd Sybil The unlikely setting is a women’s college ' circa 1975 Gillian Brauer is in love with her ' English professor who along with his artist wife seems to play favorites with bis most striking students But this is no tide of puppy love Professor Andre Harrow nr from dream- -' is “ferrctlike” and “gave off an odor of frank masculine sweat like an over-- : heated hone”His wife Dorcasis “savage- - FOXTROT !' TIM Audio CD IK aurx JUCT XX SORRY SCANT Dourht FlAYlMl ‘IT- - UNFIAYMU DON’T : I MEM TEU MIMA IS ONE OF CUBIC YOU RECORD-1ASCLCUtSK VpU STRMSHT TO MADCST NO NO- -X DUST DRAM 1M1MEAT IHoSESTOM PLATNO VAftLLA D” CL boat-handso- Win CLOSE TO HOME REAL LIFE ADVENTURES Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote “A Characfa is like an acrostic or Alexandrian start- -' read it forward back-- :: za wani or across it still spells dip mw thing”-That’s abitlikethik yea which is palindromic: die same forwaxd and backward Wb have n backward play fo vl°L?e?y00Can : Wbenyousre competmg mV v asalaatreaoitv v-- £ y- 'v obsessed with Dorcas The relationship among the three takes a turn when tiie Harrows hire Gillian as their “intern" a job that commands absolute secrecy — and apparently major doses of drugs Gillian once waiflike and sensible becomes steeped in the aninaively malistic world of the Harrows “I was not thinking at all” she says “I moved by pa-ver- mind-alteri- v - se ng instinct" The plot sadly is an afterthought in “Beasts" But it’s short enough that the excellent descriptions of “stained crimson cushions” and tiie “terrible beauty of fire” move the reader along to the end : http:wwwpalindromesorg: Doc note I dissent: a fast lieva prevents a fatness the doubleton heat queen unless he opened one no- - 4 : 'v nmipwit45distribu "gainst a strpng mHrump the taraAnd tiien surely East ? normal principle is: get into vi would the auction find n fidget out ' takeout tafotSoLaits) Play of the auction Here though anotbadiamcwL tuff Wert’s ' North and 3outh pushedinto kad the ' i'O hand heart from After jack gWv'Y: Afta West leads the club West covers with the queen king check ypur losers HlV- - 'win with riimuwy’t Icing and' fog one spade one diamond nfothe heart nine through success! 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