Show i ' The Heraid Journal Logan ' t ' - won i- i'-tr- ' 1- By Dave Barry Tribune Meda Services -- - - x bday I’d like to share with droughts on die presidential my you campaign Unfortunately I don’t have any because my wife and I just Thebirth went very well from my perspective which was the perspective of a person keeping an eye on the contractions via a hospital bedside computer monitor My wife who was experiencing the contract dons in person found it more chal- although" I know she lenging appreciated my helpful reports: ME (watching the monitor): OK you're having a contraction now MICHELLE ARRRRRRGGGGH- - ' '' 4 ' 4 jAiw Conthmed ' HHHHH ME: It looks like a big one MICHELLE no way of knowing Finally the doctors shouted “Stand up Dad!" This was my signal to stand up look over the screen and r OOOOOOOOOO The contractions went on for what seemed like two years although it was really only about 14 mouths hi theory the baby was supposed to be beaded toward the exit at that point but this particular baby seemed to like it in there This baby was still up in the vicinity of Michelle’s sinus cavities ? v So with month 15 of labor looming the doctors decided to remove No seriously I managed to remain conscious because I was dying to know the baby’s gender Three's a test they can do to determine the gender ahead of time I thinly they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus and if the baby punches it it’s a boy We had not had this test done We had however heard many strong opinions from total strangers Fbr some reason total strangers feel compelled to do two things whenever they see a pregnant the baby via Caesarian section a medical procedure named for the woman: 1 Touch her belly as though her Roman emperor Julius Section They put up a curtain with Michelle’s head ' navel were an elevator button and on one side and the rest of her body 2 Look herover the way state-fa- ir on the other Michelle and I both judges examine a cow then loudly stayed on the head side so we saw declare the baby’s gender There was absolutely no doubt in nodiing the doctors could have been over three grafting on extra legs or anybody’s mind that tins baby was a replacing Michelle’s spleen with a boy During the pregnancy at least harmonica and we would have had 600 total strangers assured us of this resident and in the March 24 paper the name of a minor child was printed in regards to ' a car accident I drink its unconscionable feat fee paper printed this child's name Now ' shell be subjected to undo humiliation Kids are going to pick on her I think the paper v should think about these things before they put them in fhepaper —Thelady who wrote the letter to the editor who compared the wearing of school V uniforms to the veiled ladies in the Middle East was perhaps fee stupidest thing I have ever read We spent some time on in Island dos which has ties to England It was a very beautiful island but the mostbeautifiil sight I saw was these very neat lookWhen that person who ing kids all going to their varimade the disparaging remark ous school dressed in their uniforms Each school had about bicycles offered his their own uniforms I visited a biased opinion we were treat'mother at a bus stop and she ed to two things His obvious told me that they kwed the ' "Uninformed opinion and the arroschool uniforms and there was sickening hardly any discipline problems gance of those who responded at the school to him Thank you - : bom Page 3 Vyv‘ i from point Am poirk Band couldn't figuib out in ny remarks what I meant about Rap Brown and registered guns Here is that road map My remarks were directed straight at the Clinton administration whp are telling us that after all guns are registered die shooting will stop and Slick Willie and his cohorts ' are dead wrong : ’t ask this new dad ‘ 4 Hi I have a question Why did Beaver Mountain put a yurt in the parking lot? Is it so mease the guests get hungry at 2 am you can just bounce over to your RVand get a couple of dmg dongs and a Coke You know I might go up to the yurt if it was up on fee Utsi Sunday March 26 2000 — Page 9 self-righteo-us fact NOBODY thought it was a girl - So you will not be surprised to leren that when the moment came the doctors reached in and pulled out 7 pounds 9 ounces of Sophie Kaufman Barry As a trained journalist I can state with total objectivity that she is the cutest little girl in the history of the world The doctors took me look at her and immediately decided that they would shut down the hospital birthing unit because this baby was so perfect that there was clearly no point in maltinx any more OK they didn’t say that but they agreed under intensive interrogation from the father that the baby was pretty darned cute She is also of course very gifted I know this because the next morning I carried Sophie over to the hospital-roowindow and we looked out and I m told her that this was the world and she should not get involved wife it I also told her thatour policy regarding boys was that she would never be allowed to date or look directly at fad fee MjimdiMi and a strong desire to try out and fr mm MUtflH Imrmlfi nOtaKL S row mind is equal to feat of " your ignorance You hold too much faith in an imperfect system You obviously don't hold regards for fee wrongly accused or family friends or V You want trash to about bring up your neighbors next time you're in Relief Uy-m- v give it her all hoping but not expecting to make it She did make it past the judges and ' feen past the student body — because of the way she is being kind to all those who she meets I agree all judges have a different way or judging But then you should know already since who have already judged them Dave Barry is a humor columnist tor the to make as many appointments in a day and when you don't show up it really throws it ofLIfs rude rude rude If you make an appointment at a location keep it or have the decency to call and cancel That's the polite thing to do - Knf expression that she understood me completely Although it might also have been gas So nbw we’re in that mode — yOu parents know the mode I’m talking about — where you don't sleep much and you ‘find yourself celebrating a baby poop the way the Flench celebrated the liberation of Paris and you walk around the house at 4:30 im wife the baby on your shoulder trying to remember the words to lullabies ("And if that Billy gore don’t shed papa’s gonna buy you a squirrel named Ed”) My point is that lately I haven't had time to follow the presidential campaign or to assess the current crop of candidates I’m sure they're all fine men But they’re not getting near my daughter thro dont call to canceL When you run a business you're g about cheerleading being a popularity contest have been V on the losing end Tve been " there done tint But I am so- y thankful for a group of judges who a year ago saw a poten- - V rial in my daughter to be a V grind She was not overly talented them I could tell by her facial : ! Society There goes that spoiled child again CAPSA off oos rampage Let's go to court let's stomp our feet let's yell and get some attention §o sad '( “Sound Yeah I'm calling about the person who wanted photos of convicted drug offenders issued Td really love to meet this person maybe set him up wife an appointment wife my proctologist to find the other half of their brain Your nar OfT is a forum read-eallowing to air their views on topics of fee day without giving their names To participate dial (any time of day) Ext 3141 Please limit your call to one or two remarks Lengthy calls and comments posing potential legal or factual problems will be CuL ' Herald-Joum- t I -- rs al 752-212- 1 1 - Hi this is those of you I think ttt very poor Apparently thoee of you business that U S West can get who have bees complaining who make appointments and away wife not having enough service for everyone on fee riotfe side here in Hyde Park mountain so I could enjoy the and SmifefiekL In the outdqors a little not fee sound evenings we can’t get a dial-to- ' ' of cars and diesel trucks I ami people can’t get a love the Beav I love it a kit hold of us even though we but you better give your dedihave call waiting It seems like f cated guests something to say they have a monopoly on the you appreciate their support r lines and there is no phone 11 not just their dollars for the a if 'I'iUii sbiud cotnpetitioiuWc’j(ciai fVytf “ passes they buyu ilcgb turn can’t we even and tart tbid togigm vi : !’ r U W" dse for a better ser-lm calling in response to someone vice It ticks me off the Brian Seamens hazing it ' He says that be’s inqdere I’m very glad for your : ' treated unfairly and wares it to Sound Off column I too am go away Well then he seeds to one of these people who is quit bringing it iq) andtaking frustrated here in Smith-fiel- d very it to court when it's been five able to get wife not being years It’s ridiculous he needs I was dial tone at a J night 1 to grow up and act ready to pay $80 to have my get on wife his life internal lines checked because when I called US West to My concern lq with complain they said we road going out of Logan chetfeed your lines and you ley View as we refer to it It have service up to your house really heeds to be widened So I was ready to (fish out aU We can solve two problems this money far being tested We could sure eliminate a lot and then 1 find out everyone is of mosquitoes by filling in this problem I wish we having some of that swamp land that somehow and get unite could the on just breeds mosquitoes somehow force U: and way out if we Widen the road together our bill or to lower to S West 'to four lanes and let it go dear tiie It it had- wife program get tothefreeway n't been for this ariumntiris never would have come out I was ending about the person who wrote a tiring I'm calling in about the about CAFSA about how conqriaining about the person CAPSA is aelfish and whining handicapped parking How do about putting a new building know a persoi is handiif they let that to like would up I just I have a sister who capped? person knoiw that maybe they ' APY ona her half of has leg amputated are fee selfish one because it and she hu to wear a fake leg CD has helped my family and To watch her walk no ooe many other families and knows she is handicapped but maybe they need to grow up she is So stop worrying about j and stop being so selfish I who's handicapped and who's would hope that that person and not just puk your car and who made that comment walk will do you walk The A KeyBank MajorSaver CD gives you one of the have or would never get hit their sou or daughter hit What good And what do you want' highest' available returns on your money And them to do wear a tag around if they needed fee help of because it's it yields something their neck that says Tm a CAPSA would they be so handicap judgmental? It’s doesn't feel equally valuable: peace of mind To open your hit be so good to Key regular or retirement MajorSaver CD stop U S West phone company service complaints: you need by your nearest KeyCenter or call This is a belated public service call to department your thank yob to the young man or have a special city council who gm out of his pretty red t800-KEY2YO- ir meeting with a rep from U S truck and dashed across Main SB West there Quit telling Sound Street on 300 North on the wwwKcycoM e neigh-feSaturday when the electric and Off quit telling your bors and do it yourself Get to help signals were the balL Later Tm out fee this little old Udy across J all to thank And a street you I am just calling because I the can who stopped Thank like to compliment the would live to is acood This city you Journal on their ded- Herald m I afeprood to be hoe some recent cases of in sion Thank you young sexual abuse victims that mothers have been Yc I hadjust finished charged The Journal decision' reading the paper and Fm to not publish those mothers' it’s OK to quite intrigitod that names and to protect the chiltie up boys in loc±er rooms dren I find this in this day have them naked and their and age wife the media dunkstatwhen but taped genitals ue of limitations runs out and ing everyone needs to know all to be a very commendable on abuse sex there's alleged and after them we that practice Tm quite pleased to go boys The nininiuiB deposit itquiicd to open the CO and to be part of a community with a fejoi$ver CD ntc ts fiwd fir the length of tbit tana and is riot avattiMa with other spedat CO Is that them prosecute APV as of Mach 23 2000 and Its subject to change Annual field ti decide aconite customers the APT do who obtain is fcrtentag to $500 would the hr fay Advantage SSOO because it’s not sports related paper FDIC Member withdrawal for A be notice without imposed that and tolerated penalty may wty or is some abuse why isn’t all abuse not tirierat- Hello I’m a Logan ed? -ne With iri a rate I ike I - 1 s this who needs r a ctevef headline? 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