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Show THE SEMI-WEEKL- HOME OF THE POLAR BEAR KATIOS. Y li T. Ill UK, ruWIrtM Seas Around the North Pole Set Apart as His UTAH LOGAN, There Is (war cloud. little rest for the European HUMOR OP THE DAY Bright Sayings and Merry Jests by Reckon' ized Fun makers. Reservation. "Business Is frightfully dull today, -him. Soon bis eyes open, his down aid the Junior partner of the tailorbegins to appear and when he is a few ing firm. months old he is a pretty and woolly "No wonder," said the senior partlittle fellow, as cunning as can be. ner, angrily. Who wrote our ad for The polar sue bear Is very fond of the papers that where the pole Is lo- her cub and if you approach htr she "I did. Why?" cated. will attack you. Her method is by "Because it says: Do you need an And that creature Is the polar bear. means of a overcoat? Try our melton and frieze. swift and death-lik- e hug Niue feet long, weighing over a ton, aud she will squeeze you to death In big, wiiolly, white and intrepid, he a very few minutes. Homs On. Hut r.y the mile. moves along the Ice Hoes and swims The bear hug Is something that is Anxious Groom I thought you said through the open seas with ease, while dreaded by all hunters, for the bear something or other about a check; I the travelers freeze In their warmest dont see any. . of winter camps or go to pieces literYou blitherAngry Father-In-Laally between the floating chunks of ice. is a regular checkwife Idiot, ing your The polar hear Is the biggest of his book. Every time either of you want species; he is likewise the most intelliAnything she writes me a note and Ive gent. Though born in the arctics he got to cash it. is not content to remain there and often lie takes expeditious south for Only Waiting. all the world is south of him and "Doesnt it make you the least bit looks for other lands. envious to Bee what elegant furniture 1 he dwellers of Iceland have freMrs. Eyefly Is putting Into her house quently seen the polar bear on their next door?" shores, he having come down on a Not a bit My husband says it will floating glacier, and the people of DenGal ting tha Iioncy. be sold by the sheriff within six mark love their folklore in which the takes so her embrace months and I'll be there to buy.' terror that stalks by night is a bear that youcannotclosely in and you she gives escape, who traveled all the way from the arcyou no time nor opportunity to get Faw Thing In Stripe. tic circle down through the North Sea out your weapons. Will you kindly show me what you to the coast upon a cake of ice, The Indians of the north for the pogoing through the Skager rock past the lar regions extend In a circle that have here? asked the visitor to the pen. Danish fishermen. touches the very northern extremetles With pleasure, replied the warden, As many as twelve iu a year have of all countries look upon the white who had once worked In a dry goods store; "we have a few things in stripes that I think will interest you. The arctic regions are very thickly populated tbis season, for arctic re yet It Is safe to say that of all Tolstoi has added another edition to glous, the creatures that haunt the Ibis scrap-boo- k collection of his own frozenliving there is only one that steppes obituaries. vne knows It is a small and unimportant coun try Tillage these days that cannot 'have a $1,000,000 Are. That Brooklyn doctor who wanted to be vivisected is having his wish gratified in the newspapers. "Indeed, yes," answered the Unfortunate Person, the elevator Is' not always running. ' Owes Than, AU. Towne I didnt see Borrojghs at the club smoker. Browne No, he doesnt attend those functions any more. I fancy Ita be--1 cause hes sure to meet somebody there he owes. Towne I beg pardon. Did you say: somebody he "knows, or "owes? Browne It doesnt matter. It's the same thing. to-da- y? w An editor states: "We have hog cholera in our midst." So frank a man deserves to recover. "He that is diligent in business shall stand before kings." Also before Judges, on certain occasions. When the commuter starts for heaven he will grumble as usual if there is any delay at the gate. It Is to be Russia and China against Great Britain and Japan, with the rest of the powers taking to the woods Morgan now has about everything but the toothache, and some people would be glad to see him have that. Between the aerial battleships and the submarine destroyers there is no middle ground for a uoucombatunt to Tha Othar Vlaw. me, said the lady with glance, that the newspa- "It seems to a severe per print ,ome dreadful things." Yes, answered the reporter; It often makes me sad to think that people insist on doing shocking thingf and compelling us to write about them." Ha Wna Lata. occupy. A Kara lirnnd. "This, "the salesman said, handing out another package, "is also an excellent substitute for coffee. It is very wholesome. It makes red blood." "Haven't you soifiething, asked the young woman with the earrings, "that makes blue blood?" England's army and navy will try to get along next year on $.00.000,000. The far ilingiug of the battle line Is expensive. Fears are entertained that some of the large cities of America will not have more than three baseball clubs next summer. Already. "That boy," remarked old Cerberus, drily, after the youthful hope and pride had been led off to the spanking de- partment, "has the bump of litigation very strongly developed; he is already In the new sleeping car the berth will be sunk below the floor. The blushing young disrober has often wanted it there. Chicago undertakers pre moving to abolish Sunday funerals. Chicago has not hitherto been on record in favor of a gloomy Sabbath. vigorously engaged in contesting the ' The king of Italy has askmL to have his salary reduced. the ther European igor v neighborly wit Nglier Wu Ting AWHcan civil war was not a failure. This seems to be about the first thing American that Wu has approved of. FangV7he A granddaughter of Dickens has married a solicitor for Cecil Rhodes. She seems not to have Inherited the Micawber traits of her great-gran- d father. Instead of looking upon it as a delicate compliment. France is annoyed because New Guinea cannibals like the flavor of French explorers well enough to eat them. The Kentucky judge who announces that he will fine all gun toters $100 ach is apparently ambitious to the architect of a treasury surplus. be-oo- sky-scrapi- ng Until the new woman can contemplate the assassination of a pig without fainting she has no just claim to equality with man that an impartial Jury is bound to respect. A bottle of lemon extract caused ths death of "Big John." a Ute Indian in South Utah, who drank it for a cold. Lemon extract is also good for flavoring cakes and Ice cream. 7 The editors of Waterbury, Conn., up to their Are losses like heroes, but when David Sheehys Irish rooster died two duys later they all dissolved into long and touching obituaries. traced It is wise of President Harper to that report of a donation contradict the Chicago smithep-- i to. professors Ham moth Specimen. come down to Iceland and hundrela polar bear with much reverence and have swum and journeyed by Ice to they do not kill him unless compelled other southern points. When tBcy hav to, do so So gmbltlous is the bear and so ex- slaughtered mm hey tell each other plorative that Australia is the only that It was by accident and they kneel country on the face of the earth that upon the ground and with uplifted does not know him when it sees him chins apologize to the Great Whits and Africa is quite familiar with him. Spirit for their foul act In the Rockies we have the grizzly. Then they rise having eaten a Yet the polar bear is not exactly like bear steak, which and, Is very good broiled the grizzly, nor is he like the honey upon the snow by the heat of a few bear. dry twigs, they cut up his valuable But he eats honey and for this pur- body. pose he has a long, very supple tongue, The bear Is a lonely creature which can slip into the comb and bring and It polar Is not to be wondered at that out the honey even as a horses tongue he will attack strangers when molestcan lap itself around a cake of sugar. ed. home Is at the north pole and Ills He eats meat also and when at home, under the polar star he roams eternear the pole, where he keeps house nally. all the year around, he gets his food When the massive rigging of the exby fishing for it He sits upon an icewarns him of the apberg and watches the water below. plorers ship of he resents the inproach strangers When a seal or a big fish comes swimtrusion and hies him away to He unhim toward he ming drops his paw Into the water and brings out the ani- der a berg and wait his chance for revenge. He is one of the most dreaded mal. The claws of the bear are always creatures of the pole. Yet If properly it Is said he Is not as savspread. He is a great big fellow with approached as age and In no way compainted each tipped spreading feet, many-toewith a sharp claw, which is always pares to the panther, the cougar or the spread out. Unlike the cat, he cannot jaguar, or the majestic king of beasts. The polar bear is a unique feature withdraw his claws. He is an excellent climber, the bear, because so seldom seen, but that he and goes up a tree prettily. When he exists there Is no doubt. It Is predicted that, as he breeds slowly and one by one, he will some day become extinct, for the arctic travelers subsist upon him. But the day of his extinction is probably afar off. for the explorers say that as they approach the pole they find his tracks more and more numerous, and it may be that in the warm sea which is thought to wasn the pole he lives in great numbers, contentedly enjoying a preserve which for all time, ever since the creation of the world, has been his alone. A r d, The lleitr into ml Home. down lie descends bind quarters first and lands upon the ground That body of Wisconsin women who in a sitting position like a dog at rest. voteu in favor of a tux on cats seems In captivity he eats whatever Is to have adopted an unusual way fif placed before him, devouring it greeddeclaring iis opposition to jdngU ily. He eats like a bear upon all ocblessed i. css on the part of the mem- casions. and It Is one of the first arsex. bers of ticles of his creed to leave nothing behind, for he is always as hungry as The new map of Bhir.a that bus just a bear. lecn issued lias Hi- itnl tbe comment The polar is of eourse very that the scab- of maps of Chinn has closely related to the grizzly and to in on enlarging in the past the third of his family, tin- honey bear, fi-yea is. And their scope has been but lie is by far the most rcuiurkub!-slesidih decreasing:. of ail his tribe. When tiie polar hear is boin he is a mi'iil of March 21.80. 000 By t helpless creature Imbed. He usually lV:i 'ico cigars will arrive to lest t lews the while snow for the first he :iM'i:iry of our love. It is a se- time III the spring, nfter his mother lias ver" nsi, lilt ihe n:it of tis will be slept in a eave for some time and he pr pared to smoke them on trust if is deposited into the world, blind and we can get ibcni that lay. about a single bair upou smooth, t!i-i- comes - r - 1m I Jt It- hat What kind of a hat was It, sir?" A new one." of Anarchy is only waiting for one mole reasonable excuse to blow Here, waiter, gimme my parental will. I beg pardon, Bir, but the new one Desire, Mrs. Jones Whats become of that have been all gone a half hour ago."1 silk smoking jacket you gave your husband for his birthday? The Goldae, Mrs. Smith Oh, I had to make that I had a terrible time last night A over into a sofa pillow. He actually crank called at house I had aa and my wanted to sit around and smoke In it awful time him to go away." getting Judge. Threatening, was he? Yes; he threatened to tell me all Klee Hen. about his exploits on the links. Cadleigh Wont you give me another dance? A Recognized Trait, Miss Wiggins Really, Mr. Cadleigh, Her little boy has such a manly youve had nearly all so far, way about him." Yes, you know, Its just to Ypk; I noticed when I was there spite Miss Pcchis. Weve had a the other day that he found fault with what they had to eat." A Sacrilegious and-Cadlei- Not Prepared. A Whyte Bjenks calls himself a tical politician. Black A practical politician! Stork-Mark- Doe, et You look thin and haggard, Yep. i took too much of a prac- Jim." mixture. Why, I asked him to change a $10 bill for me What was It? on election lay last year and he said he couldn't do It. Sugar and copper. Light Trifle. How queer!" exclaimed Miss Peril Nell I have been assigned to read Goodwin at the Wagner recital. a paper on "The Ideal Woman" at the has gone to sleep and in all this next meeting of tl.e club. noise, too! Chicago News. Jack Well, all you will need to do Is to stand up on the platform and let It Is a terrible thought that a man, them look at you. after fighting Mother Hubbards white on earth, will have to wear one when he becomes an angel in heaven. AtchiA Difference. son Globe. Winning III Way. My-foo- Rusty Where'll ye git de quarter? Dusty I struck up an acquaintance1 wbl a trained dog wot was goin to the bakery foi two bits worth of bread. Indianapolis Sun. Mr. Johnson: Don't you fink to coax a woman dan to m-i- it am r? In Jackson .Mr. Dunno; but I find It Puck. am a denied sight safer. "This is perfectly delightful! "A n love little quarrel now and then helps affair." "Yes. the lover leaves off buying n am! gets a chance to catch up with the tailor's bill. Secret of the Hath. Chick w eed was believed by Isabel of Bavaria to be good for the complexion, si-s- and. accordingly, she had decoctions of ii ma le, in which she bathed dally. Dlan of I'oictiers pinned her faith to cold rain water and took her urn tin Inal tub as regularly as any g damsel of The beauties of the last ccnmry also believed In bathing, but they put all sorts of strang. things in the water to Improve their skins, suys Woman's Life. But this is open to ol.j- ctions. Among tin many other populpr add! tinnx in the bath ftere veal broth, A of 'lime. water dlsiilled from the honey exTin pupil Ii si i nieii to in., th.it I truded from roses, melon Juice, and niu.-- t have prai't ire.l all of two hum-- . Hie milky extract of green barley, an Tim profis. in But I'm sure vn.i arioiiji preparations containing aldidn't. If you had U'a( til l'd luo hniir.--monds and joiks of eggs. Queen Mait ft on ol hate seemed !) ic rie Antoinette ft'ux fond of bathing, and liked the water made aromatic ftllh ftihl thyme, laurel leaves and "There is always im.'iit at the lip." marjoram, with tin addition of a litsaid the Good Adviser tle sea salt. J Tit-Ilit- s. Mrs. Servant- water-lovin- cal' on to-da- y. - . six.--Iucl- i. Hilly home? - I? furs. Swagger at No, ma'am, she went out to .. Mrs. Hilly "Hii l earn in-1- j . How very fortunate for Post. ie. ft hen you divide those five with your little sister did you! oth! us Kjv,, Hiv-to- "No. o';:. I Bought they wouldn't - out (Veil. :u f(. (m. foro J vu ii ;o di i. What to Kat. CO "Why don't you go to work?" asked friend, "I don't dure ii." answered Willie Teiiple would think my father hud me, anil It would ruin my credit." Washington Fiar. u Ilo :i. t it' -- rJv. |