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Show Stepfamities Learn the Hard Way BBBaDIBBaBBHDBMBBBBBBIBBa of She said, Any strong family and stepfamilies are no exception - has certain traits. They show appreciation and enjoy being together. They have a strong approach to communication and there is a high degree of commitment. A high degree of religious orientation helps and the strong family can deal with crises posi- studies at Weber State College and herself a stepchild and a stepmother, said that the fact makes instant stepfamilies even more impossible. tively. Mrs. Wise said that when she became a stepchild the wicked stepmother of Cinderella was a very real stereotype. The first thing I let my stepchildren know as a stepmother is Mrs. Wise said, Remarriage is difficult in death, but its not nearly as difficult as in divorce when the is still pres- - Beauty; , h -- partment of child and family iPainters College Solair Nail or French Dip Reg. $35.00 5 Over 40 percent of the families in American are stepfamilies and many have learned the hard way that living happily ever after is as much a fairy tale as is Cinderella. In today's society nine out of every 0 remarriages are formed by people who have been divorced and Genevieve M. Wise, an assistant professor in the de1 3B Lakesjde Review, Wednesday, April 3, 1985 I Vitality Perm Haircut or Shampoo Set Manicure (complete) S ig NO APPOINTMENT Roy Open B Tmn8epmy , $9f00 &VJ I $995 j 8 B Good Through NECESSARY 41685 jj Ogden School Open till 8 p.m. PAINTERS COLLEGE OF BEAUTY, INC. B I J fellilif s that I was geninuely concerned about them and that I was not going to replace their mother, se ent. she said. The sad fact is that most do not succeed because of a myriad of problems that are as numerours as all the grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, brothers and sisters that accur when parents divorce and then remarry. Mrs. Wise said, Most step families break up in the third to fifth year.. For our family we felt we could have disbanded every Saturday. She said that the WSC departments of child and family studies and sociology are working to establish a support group for in hopes of better educating them on how to handle their new and difficult situation. She said that the new parents and children play an important role in getting through those first years, and that the family needs to work together to create new traditions, new rituals and a new cohesiveness. You have to do things that make the family feel proud of it step-famili- step-famili- That meant lots and lots of talking and very little sleep to cultivate a good attitudes, she es WMBRW9S said. If the attitude is good and the kids want to make the new family go it can go like lightening." She said that discipline becomes a problem for most stepparents, especially if a child decides to break up the new marriage in hopes his natural parents DOESN'T MY;.. YOU DO! will get back together. self, not feel like two families, They also created new family activities and family jokes. she said. Mrs. Wise added, Anything Mrs. Wise said that holidays, birthdays, vacations, even how to you can do to make the family serve the meals are all rituals that laugh will bond you. She said that to date there is hold meaning and security, espenot a lot of detailed research on es : cially for children, and some from both families should be what things do and do Jiot work in stepfamilies, but noted that used. stepfathers tend to do better with She said her new family hychildren than do stepmothers, phenated their last names the that because the new mothers first few years to give everyone must work more directly with the their seperate identity as well as children and develop a more intiassociation with the new family. mate relationship. Mrs. W'ise said, It can really hurt to have someone else discipline your child so sometimes you have to have each parent discipline their own. But I dont like to use the word discipline. I like guidance instead. If you look at it like that then its easier to blend, but the parents have to talk a lot. She addes, Its hard for the Most are not committed parents. to work through the tough stuff. They want an immediate like instant coffee, but it doesnt happen like that. step-famil- y, Divorce Creates Multitude of Problems Divorce is only a word until it affects someone personally, says Rod Fifield, a social worker at McKay-De- e Hospital Center. Everyone reacts emotionally to some degree when faced with divorce. Adjustment to it may take longer for some than for others. The reality of divorce may hit hard, and certain emotional traps may make that adjustment more difficult. It is always easier to suggest how others should handle things like divorce than it is to actually deal with it oneself. Even though the social stigma of divorce is not as great as it used to be, Fifield says there are changes in ones life following ever loving or trusting again. This distrust is often a mask for feelings of inadequacy about themselves." Fifield says some people will ex-wi- fe fi- di- x - People really self-pit- even remarry without properly examining their feelings or needs. Remarriage is sometimes done for security. For example, an may be afraid to face the nancial challenges of living alone, or sometimes a type of revenge is a factor. Ill show that I can get somebody else, are the thought processes of many who rush into another marriage. The sad part about this kind of behavior is that the marriage is probably going to fail, or become a source of bitterness and regrets. People should be a little kinder to themselves when they are feeling vulnerable, hurt or rejected," he says. Sometimes people grab at anything that happens to be available, just because they have set up a pattern of failure in their relationships. It is as if they are determined to prove how rotten the world is and how unfair life i who are going through divorce, did everything I could, I was always giving and he was always taking. The problem with blaming others boils down to the fact that it may give a person momentary comfort, but it really doesnt do anyone any good in the long run. i R mm GrabetVrticaI PENING SPECIA 3 Blind - 11 : vorce that may make acceptance more difficult. ' Men, more often than women, escape some of the real difficulties. It is unfair, but generally true, that men are a desired come women modity when are often viewed as awkward additions, in social gatherings. Divorce requires a mourning period, just like death. Even the person seeking or wanting th? di- can be." On the other hand, says Fifield, vorce must allow himself to is unreal This true of expectations can become a grieve. especially marriages which have lasted sev- trap for divorced people. The eral years, Fifield says. next time it is going to be perIt is difficult for some people fect, these people tell themselves. If it cant be perfect I to let go of bitterness and hostilities, especially if hostility was a dont want any part of it. This is " strong part of the marriage, says really choosing not to try at all Fifield. Sometimes these types because no one is perfect, so of people generalize that all men everyone is doomed to fall short or all women are nQ.good, that of these expectations." Disasterizing and wallowing they are all alike. Thecose their minds, their hearts? lheir lives to can become habits following a di newly-singl- f.- vorce, Fifield says. do care about other people, but a tendency to avoid the person waly is very comlowing in mon. The poor me syndrome gets a little hard to take after a while." Self-pit-y is often just a means used to deny responsibility and avoid taking risks, Fifield says. Blaming everyone else for personal problems is another trap which should be avoided during divorce, says Fifield, I hear it all the time when counseling people i tSTonis . . 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