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Show DIXIE SUN Stanton Roseman, Candy Roberts, Associate Editor Craig Blake. Opinion Editor Sita Ripley. Sports Editor Tiera Oliver, A&E Editor Maisie Metcalf, Photography Editor Wer.dl Epps, Advertising Manager Phi! Walker Kailee Huger Brian Short Kyle Bowen Nate Law i Jerome Jones Tahta Aguiar Jonathan Lisonbee Michelle Nelson Kyrie Pizzino Rhiannon Bent, Adviser HOWTO REACH US Dixie State College DIXIE SUN North Plaza Building, Room 125 225 South 700 East St George, UT 84770 Phone (435)652-781Fax (435) 656 4019 dixiesundixie.edu http:sun. dixie edu The DIXIE SUN is distributed nach Wednesday during Kail and Spring semesters as a publication ol Dine Stale College, Arts. Letters and Sciences, and Dixie State College Student AcUvilioa The unsigned editorial on tho opinion page represents the position ol DIXIK SUN as determined by its editorial board Otherwise, the views and opinions ui pressed in DIXIK SUN are those of the individual writers and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of DIXIK SUN or any entity ol the college New Year's resolutions prepare to fail BY CRAIG BLAKE Sun Opinion Editor Dixie The holidays have come and gone, leading us into a brand new year, generally celebrated by crowding as many people into an already crowded metropolis in order to enjoy activities such as sloshing around in the snow, being miserable, and of course, kissing the nearest object at midnight, most likely a shapely street lamp. Of course, no new year would be the same without setting a New Years resolution. This year Ive decided to get down and dirty working furiously to live up to my New Years resolution, which is of course, dont change a thing Craig, youre looking sharp. It was that last year, and it will be that next year, and in two years it will be, you guessed it, dont change a thing Craig, youre looking sharp. Most people seem to have a recurring problem of setting New Years resolutions they are unable to complete or even think about without developing a serious case of confidence and drive. Im pretty sure that both of these things are frowned upon by the Surgeon General, but then again that could have been marijuana and dangerous knives. Butwe just to be safe, maybe should stay away from all of these things, except knives, which are perfectly acceptable. If youre still pretty sure that you want to complete your resolution though, dont fret, it is still possible. All it takes is a reasonable goal, combined with a hardy work ethic, boatloads of sheer determination, and yes, even you can be proud to have successfully nursed a hernia. But seriously, for those of you who actually want to complete one New Years resolution before you die, all you have to do is begin setting more reasonable goals such as consume as many pot pies as humanly possible or play ridiculous amounts of Nintendo. This is because traditional resolutions such as eat less, or play less Nintendo can be almost directly translated into reduce my amounts of happiness and eliminate joy." When did people decide that resolutions were a good idea in the first place? The mass population probably decided that it was a good idea because the first resolution was probably something like, Im going to aspire to not be devoured by carnivorous tigers this year, or possibly, This year Im going to try my very hardest to not starve to death." Now these are generally good ideas, but to make them New Years resolutions was a terrible idea as most resolutions fail. So basically weve established that the two people who invented New Years resolutions starved to death, and were devoured by carnivorous tigers. I think we can all learn a very important lesson here, which is of course that tigers are dangerous and are not approved by the Surgeon General, along with starving and Bob Costas wreckless use of impressive vocabulary. I think it would be a good idea if the government created a special branch to deal with this kind of thing, a sort of Resolution Distribution Committee. That way people couldnt get hung up deciding what they were going to work on in the upcoming year because they would be too busy beating the traffic to the Resolution Distribution Center - Man - Do you have any more lose weight" left? RDC Officer - Are you kidding?! Youre going to have to choose between be fatter" or knit a sock. Man - Give me the knitting one I guess. RDC Officer - Next1 Old Woman - would like to knit a sock this year RDC Officer - Sorry, that man just took the last one. Old Woman - Oh darn. RDC Officer - All right boys, take her down. I Just imagine all the that would have been spent fretting over a resolution, and if you did choose to fret, you would be handled by a squad of time saved d barely-traine- Taser-wieldin- g govern- - ment officials. Finally everyone would be able to focus on what New Years is really all about without all these pesky resolutions getting in the way, which is of course kissing the nearest object at midnight... getI out of my way woman, think I see a streetlamp behind you. 4- - |