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Show S4 THE WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2001 SUN Valentines Day idSviCBtFrpM DR. Prep; hng for a commitment GOULSTON expense of close relationships, most importantly, gives his undi' attention when hes listening. But this alone was not what struc so clever She also made a second list of ties of what such a guy would bi f&ith. She in a woman to have a relation ie ips E. Mark, old woman in graduate r I'm k school. I hW:q pattern of dating guys a few times, then fnqjng something wrong and ending the relationgppI think I'm ready for a long-terrelationshigsQ what do I do now? Dear P-yea- XX. Be READY FOR LOVE at Ohio StateUafversi. V ty rv v. A woraaiTl'' realized that his being Sgreat catch would not Tjbe enough, if she was not a jgneat catch as well. She listed what he'd probably want a woman would be such qualities as secure about looks, isn't petty, doesn't gossip, is warm, doesn't see herself as a victim, can forgive, and most of all, doesn't have to be right. Dear READY, I'm assuming that part of your being ready is realizing that there is something screwed about your scorch and bum policy with regard to dating and relationships. A few years back a woman I know shared with me one of the most brilliant solutions to the dilemma of being ready for a relationship, but not wanting to settle for too little. She called it, "The Lists." She told me that she only knew she was committed, when she made a list of all the qualities she wanted in a man that she would want to spend her life with. These included a sense of humoi; takes the initiative in social situation instead of having to be pushed, strong opinions without being opinionated, ambitious but not at tht :,in -- 'f'&'P--y 4-- M?K)l2AY', - Dr. Goulston 2. MueT t?Pj?2F a Catch Yoorself ri2-- fail? Kk N3FZ CP'e-'- &Y -- J2e TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES realize that his being a great catch would not be enough, if she was not a great catch as She listed that what he'd probably want in a woman would be such qualities as secure about looks, isn't petty, doesn't gossip, is warm, doesn't see herself as a victim, can forgive, and most of all, doesn't have to be right. Her approach must of have worked, because she's now 30 and has been very happily married for two years. EF-- M AIL-- MAC?E AN) NJpzi 42 U&-AV- C?F)- - IN) ( AT utoi T2 z2F) C7F UlAKlt ' N FZ That Self-Estee- nt Dear Dr Mark, What exacdy is low since nearly everyone I know seem to think I have it? And what can you do about it? self-estee- WORTHLESS GUY at University of Wyoming Dear WORTHLESS, How Do I Recognize Jerks Early? Dear Dr. Mark. is not the same as is believing in your ability to do something well. You can be Self-estee- I just stopped dating another jerk. I wish there was a way to recognize them early so that I can stop wasting my time. Any tips to help me be a better jerk detector? Selfand still have low esteem is believing in your worthiness. For a guy, worthiness is often tied to courage. A man without courage doesnt feel like a man either. and doesn't feel much NO MORE JERKS, PLEASE at University of One of the ways to develop especially for guys is to think of the things you are most afraid of and then do them self-estee- self-estee-m Kansas self-estee- any-wa- y; Dear NO MORE, I guess you're a woman and youre talking about a guy. Can a woman be a jerk? I've never heard one referred to as one. Jerk detecting is one of the best uses of close girl friends who want what is best for you and who don't have an axe to grind against all men. If you would like some hints on how to recognize jerks on your own, consider the following: A jerk is a know-it-a- ll who doesn't know what he is talking about. They carve a wide path through the calmness in your lives, because you are so aghast, dumbfounded, and appalled by their outrageous behavior. Instead of reacting assertively, you stand frozen like a deer in the headlights of a cat It takes almost all your to keep your cool in the face of their outrageousness, which is why it is so difficult to "Just Say No" to jerks. nt 1. They interrupt. 2. They don't take turns. z2F) Building Up well. 3. They take advantage of people who are down. 4. They gloat in victory. 5. They are sullen in defeat. 6. They are not fair. 7. They lack integrity. 8. They are the people you hope you won't grow up to be like. 9. They are the kind of person you wouldn't want your brother; friend or even enemy to many. 10. They are the kind of person you'll avoid (when you can break free of them) and promise yourself to stay away from in the future. V 1 referring here to dangerous such as drithings that are ving your car at 100-- MPH in and out of traffic or overcoming your fear of guns. Pm talking about things such as fear of flying in airplanes, fear of asking someone Out on a date, or fear of speaking in public. , Having been the youngest of three sons, I was always hesitant to speak up or out, because it was often seen as being disrespectful. This carried over to being hesitant to raise my hand and ask questions in high school, college and medical school. Then about 15 years ago, I had an amazing session with a suicidal patient, which later on she would say turned her life around. Despite having some esteem problems of my own at the time, even I had to admit I had done something very special for her. ; - Realizing that I had a talent and could possibly do more than "just get by" I figured that if I was to have a chance to make some of my dreams come true I would need to and fear of speaking overcome my fears out or even writing were amongst my biggest ones. It was at that point that I started raising my hand, speaking up and out and writing columns and articles although I was lousy in all of them at first. But quitting was not an option. Likewise, think of what your fears are and commit yourself to facing them and to making quitting not an option for you. Expect to feel scared, stupid and even foolish at first or maybe for a while; but hang in there because with time you will replace the cowardice in you with courage and you will build Now, no more excuses. Just do it! Pm not self-estee- |