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Show December 5, 1994 The Dixie Sun Page 7 Keys to identifying liberals has recently been brought to my attention that some of my conservative friends have been having a difficult time distinguishing between conservatives and those of the other extreme. For all you conservatives, here are 15 ways to spot liberals on It The Last Word law-abidi- Mary Jane Reber campus: 1. Usually, liberals enjoy congregating in large masses. Therefore, look for liberals hanging out by the radio station office and liberal groups and clubs (Democratic Party, The Outdoor Club, Poetic Injustice, etc.). 2. Liberals seem to enjoy burdening the world with their problems (as if the public didn't have enough to deal with already). Liberals have invented entire college majors based on this theory. Psychology, sociology, and women's studies come to mind. 3. Whether or not they're in groups, liberals enjoy reliving the atmosphere of the 1960s. Anyone who advocates legalizing marijuana, and utopian communes, or frequently says, "Peace, man" is almost absolutely a liberal. 4. Another good indicator of liberalism is the long hair and earrings on the men, which makes it almost impossible to distinguish between men and women. 5. When shopping, be on the lookout for those who are constantly spending hours in the Nutri-Grai- n section. Don't worry, there's nothing artificial in this food it's made from 100 tree bark. Liberals crave this sort of tasteless, healthy junk and cannot seem to get enough. Another good indicator is when someone intentionally buys (to the exclusion of other 6. products) products labeled, "one cent out of every $1,000,000 from sale of this product will be given to the rain forest." 7. This brings me to my next point: Greenpeace! In Greenpeace lies the ultimate flower child's fantasy. Greenpeacers are the same people who decided it was a good idea to attack a 400-to- n freighter with a two-fodinghy (this brilliant idea was concocted during sociology class, no doubt). Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure Greenpeace has its place somewhere ... most likely next to the Libertarian Party. 8. Any member or supporter of the current American administration is definitely a liberal. ClintonGore posters, bumper stickers, etc., are all strictly liberal accesot sories. 9. Any member of the various Communist, Socialist, Libertarian, or Utopian parties is definitely liberal. This includes members of the Americans for Jimmy Carter Foundation. 10. Caution: Bill Clinton is a g extremist. He is a reactionary conservative, but only when compared to his lovely wife. 11. Those who oppose hav left-win- ing a safe, healthy atmosphere on campus and thus promote unlimited smoking on school grounds are most definitely liberal to the core. Those who seek middle ground are more likely moderates (they are okay, but watch them closely). 12. Those folks found wearing long, flowered skirts, peace symbols, sandals, and barefeet are definitely hippies. 13. Discussion topics which liberals enjoy usually deal with (outside of women's rights) metaphysics, and the art of looking at absolutely nothing. The most obvious example of this is how liberals will sit around discussing how to make the world "harmonious" and "groovy." 14. Welfare. Need I say NELSON 4tC--r 'the dicmmd fyedahiU" Dont buy jewelry anywhere without shopping Nelson Jewelers. OUR LOW OVERHEAD SAVES YOU MONEY ou&iyedcUogWn&tleadqiWte PERSONAL SERVICE BY APPOINTMENT Continued from Page more? 15. There are some people out there who support the merciless killing of unborn fetuses, but not the execution of known murderers. These are almost liberals, but sadly, some traitorous conservatives have accepted this rubbish, too. With these 15 points (of absolutely no historical significance, 1 might add), I hope to help those of you who are confused as to exactly what look like. We must all continue to seek out those g types and expose them for who they really are. (Note: in the process, of course, you end up exposing yourself for what you really are.) And remember, don't panic, because the '60s are over. If you are brainwashed by liberals and forced to relive this era, simply don't inhale and you'll still have a shot at the presiliberal-hip- pies left-win- Fast Track to New Releases G dency. Mary Jane Reber is staff columnist for The Dixie Sun. substantially higher than those of Dixie, Snow or CEU. "As of 1993 Dixie has over half of its faculty with Master's degrees and over 10 percent have earned doctorates," said Debra Bryant, Dixie's director of human resources. Of 71 faculty members, 13 Dixie professors hold Ph.D. degrees, while 48 have earned master's degrees. Ten have bachelor's degrees. Snow College, with a faculty of 84, has the largest number of doctorates with 19. Forty-nin- e Snow professors have master's degrees, while 15 have bachelor's degrees and one has an associate's degree. Eleven of CEU's 71 faculty members have doctorates, and 44 have master's degrees. Eleven have bachelor's degrees and 11 have associate's degrees. Bryant said Dixie's hiring procedures vary little from those of other college. The majority employ a selection committee, which examines credentials and ranks applicants on a point basis. Points are awarded to match applicants' qualifications with job requirements. The top five candidates are chosen and then begins the interview process. Each committee member has a review sheet to score applicants. Applicants also earn points in several other areas including. but not limited to, experience and academic qualifications. The committee chair holds the ranking score sheet. Candidates are ranked again after the interview and the top three candidates are chosen. At that point, Bryant said, references are checked. Faculty candidates are also required to present a lesson to the committee. The lesson is judged on content and presentation. The three applicants then meet with President Robert Huddleston, who selects the final candidate and discusses the choice with the selection committee. Transcripts are then requested, verified, and reviewed for accuracy. 802 628-774- 6 isssss- eiyoyed Changes or appe16 concentraM, i inability w mahe decision i TaUgus tnag ot or energy Compls091 and -- you, dont ignore it. Because your doctor can help. symptoms on this list sound familiar, tell a doctor. " peeling gu?. or worthless hopeless . River Rd., St. George If the change sleeping Patwrn , S. If this sounds like of sadness feelings or tfntabilW - once 1 90 DAYS SAME AS CASH O A.C. 260 W. ST. GEORGE BLVD. SUITE 203 - Faculty 673 - 1220 FINANCING AVAILABLE ache - Thoughts yl ' 0r suicide of Because if you have several of these symptoms for two weeks or more, you could have clinical depression. Its a medical illness that can be effectively treated in four out of five people who seek help. For a free booklet about clinical depression, call us at healtl National Mental Health Association tfrr4 1 800 228-111- 4 |