Show s SJ nTJiP fC Tbe Salt Lake Tribune Friday January 23 1987 U QBpgmzsBi ILT9SAI ffifflMa People who lie isolate themselves By Sally Squires Washington Post Writer Everyone lies at some time or oths fibs disinformation or er But the recent revelations involving the clandestine Iranian arms deal along with insider-tradinscandals on Wall Street have created a credibility crisis for many Ameri- - half-truth- g cans Lying is clearly an accepted prac- tice certain circumstances Take the mother whose awkward daughter asks if she is pretty or the social occasion when it would be rude to tell the hosts you don't want to be at their party Advertisers openly use lying gimmicks to sell products Witness the Isuzu television commercial in which a spokesman fibs about his capabilidriver as well as the ties as a race-ca- r cost financing and performance of the automobile while subtitles run across the bottom of the screen telling the viewer that the man is lying in Yet the majority of Americans weaned on the story of George Washington who admitted to cutting down the cherry tree understand the risks of not telling the truth "Most people as they mature recognize that to be detected as a liar is to erode the trust people have in you as an individual" says Dr Willard Gaylin director of the Hastings Center a research institute for the study N Y of ethics in Hastings-on-Hudso“To be considered a liar is to seriously depreciate the esteem and trust other people hold for you" Psychological Studies of chronic liars indicate that those who become exceptional at lying have very special talents As University of CaliforPaul Ekman exnia psychologist plains in his book Telling Lies Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace Politics and Marriage “One must be a natural performer winning and charming in manner Such people to manage their expresare able sions giving off just the impression they seek to convey" Although a minority of chronic lin ars are considered psychopaths or sociopaths Ekman reports that the majority of people who lie are normal In research at the University of California at San Francisco Ekman found that “natural liars did not differ from others in their scores on a variety of " objective personality tests “Their (psychological) tests showed no trace personality" of the psychopathic he says "There was in their makeup nothing Unlike psychopaths they did not use their ability to lie to harm others" In fact Ekman's research suggests that liars are so skilled at their technique that they should be able to take advantage of their talent in certain professions Such a talent is particuanti-soci- larly helpful to actors salespeople trial lawyers negotiators spies or diplomats he says Most people lie for a reason Doctors sometimes lie out of compassion to protect terminal patients from the truth that they are dying Government officials may lie to guard the national security Children lie to avoid punishment "Lying in a sense serves a purpose" explains the Hastings Center's Gaylin "It serves as an evasion of guilt and responsibility" For these people lying is protective and serves as a means of flight or escape from a threatening situation Children and some adults may lie as a way to assert themselves with those they see as too engulfing or controlling According to Dr Robert Kirsch a clinical psychologist who practices in Bethesda Md “Lying is then a way of demonstrating to yourself that you are autonomous — free of the domination of others " In a marriage lying may be a way person tries to gain power against a spouse who is seen as dominant or threatening Deceiving a spouse in this type of relationship is similar to the way a child lies to a parent to prove his or her independence experts say “If you feel small and helpless lying becomes a weapon of adds Gaylin "But it’s a very dangerous weapon and can cause " very great pain Yet those who lie frequently justify their deception in a variety of ways Since they have a vested interest in what they are doing liars may "find it comfortable to think that their targets are benefiting from their deceits as much as or more than the liars" writes Ekman A noble purpose or a job requirement is another reason to justify a lie "Recall Nixon’s failure to call his untruths lies because he said they were necessary to win and retain office" one says Ekman Liars may also explain their behavior to themselves by claiming that their target was willing "If the target cooperated in the deceit knew the truth all along but pretended not to then in a sense there was no lie and the liar is free of any responsibility" says Ekman Other liars sometimes use denial to overcome what they know is true It's a way to protect themselves in painful or frightening personal situations Psychologist Kirsch describes a dramatic instance of a young professional man who had a psychotic mother At age 13 the man came home from school and discovered his mother unconscious on the floor of the kitchen where she had turned on the oven gas to kill herself “The boy stepped over her and went to his room” Kirsch says Later after other family members found his mother called an ambulance and she recovered the boy was asked why he hadn't helped “He said he didn't see her” Kirsch says "This was the way he dealt with his mother and her psychopathic behavior by not hearing her or seeing her That s really effective denial" Finally there are those who lie pathologically These are people who are recognized as psychopaths or sociopaths They lie as their greatly preferred way of manipulating others or of having control over everything and everyone Mental-healt- h workers say such liars are dangerous to themselves and others According to Kirsch this is a primitive childish way of relating to people These people have little or no emotional involvement with others and for this reason are thought to have little hope of changing — because change requires emotional involvement with a therapist or someone else key factor in chronic lying is the experience of getting away with telling a lie Gaylin recalls the moment he realized as a child that he could lie to his mother about how he treated his younger brother because it was his word against his brother's Emboldened by this success he went through a lying phase until he was found out by his parents and the lying stopped What some adults experience after their first major lie whether in marriage the workplace or in politics is that they can get away with it This opens the door to chronic lying "You can write codes of ethics and preach until you are blue in the face but if the unwritten message is that someone can get away with lying the behavior will be repeated" says Bruce Jennings an associate for policy studies at the Hastings Center Those who lie often get caught up in their own untruths This can hapwho insulate pen to policy-makethemselves or become too much of the same mind Experts say a process called "groupthink" takes over As a rs result says Jennings people “really begin to believe what they are saying That's one of the lessons of the Pentagon Papers People in the Johnson administration were really caught up in what they were saying "It may not be the arrogance of power" Jennings says "but the fact is that people really begin to believe their own PR" The same process can take over in personal relationships The spouse who is unfaithful can justify hiding the infidelity because it would hurt the faithful member of the couple But this deception begins a three-stag- e process in the relationship that is very damaging says Gaylin author of Rediscovering Love a new book about lying relationships The first stage is that the person doesn’t tell his or her spouse about the infidelity The next stage is that in order to have the affair the person must engage in being unfaithful chronic lying to keep the infidelity a secret The third stage which is the most destructive is that the spouse who is playing around begins to “engage in mind games in which the (faithful) spouse is made to think that he or she is crazy paranoid and " A But this deception falls apart when the lying spouse is finally caught The result is a lack of trust and a destruction of credibility that severely damages if not ends the marriage — be it denial or — also takes a others large deceiving emotional toll People who lie increasingly isolate themselves experts say "Trust is absolutely essential" says Gaylin “The betrayal of political trust threatens the structure of government at its highest level " In politics lying o00000000000000090000000000000000000000000000 00 o O iiiUU fitness centep MEMBERSHIPS Buy A 1 YEAR MEMBERSHIP AT REGULAR PRICE & WE'LL TRIPLE LENGTH OF TIME! o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o 9 9 o 29 years experience 9o 29 years results THE FINEST FACILITIES & SERVICES FOR BOTH MEN & WOMEN SWIMMING POOL RELAXING WHIRLPOOL SOOTHING SAUNA NUTRITIONAL GUIDANCE MODERN CONDITIONING EQUIP STEAM ROOM AEROBICS 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