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Show ,, . THE THUNDEABIADOSOUTHEAN UTAH UNIVEASITYO THUASDAY APRIL 2, 19920PAGE 5 Get hoppy with a AIDS spells extinction WE'RE NOT WORTHY!! R ecognizing Washington D. C., as the cultural and political center of the United States of America, we claim the power to educate all mankind of any noteworthy trends on the national and international scale. Imagine the gently sloping landscape encircling Capitol Hill, raised out of the swamps of the Potomac, frequented by power figures from all nations of the earth, a crown jewel of the Eastern Seaboard. We'll try to ignore for the moment Pat Buchanan's latest remark, "Capitol Hill is a swamp of corruption that needs to be drained ." There begins the political lore compelling us since infancy (a political/journalistic influence in our homes) to address unseen, and seen too much, world movements. First the absurd. It appeared first on the back of a pre-Where' s Waldo? Life cereal box. Helpful suggestions to save the eanh. A cartooned "Save a Life!" headed a drawing of one of those plastic six-pack can holders around the neck of a goose. Not a trend. Until a video clip on The Discovery Channel showed a meditative man next to a stream in the woods. H e bent and picked up one of those sixringed plastic things and said, ''These six-pack rings are dangerous to wildlife. Animals that live here might have their head or leg caught in these by accident and become vulnerable to predators. If you throw them away, be sure to cut each ring first," he then wields a pair of scissors and cuts, "like this." This is a trend of enviro-terrorism overkill. Do you really believe a person who liners is going to bother to sever each ring before casting it over a shoulder? If someone bothers enough to cut it, they'll bother enough to throw it away in the trash. Recycling agencies all over America are going belly-up. Why? Too much recycling. Sadly, the current boom has flooded the market so much the only ones left to do it, do it out of the goodness of their beans. More power to them. One in 4 people in Ghana are dying of AIDS. Since there are only two ways to get AIDS, intravenous drug use and the other thing, abstinence from the other thing appears to be the only way for Africa. They can't afford hypodermic needles, illicit drugs, condoms, sponge shields, or AIDS prevention education, therefore, the ultimate confrontation will take place in tribal Africa. Can humans really d o what America's high school students can't-that is, do without sex until a permanent partner is chosen, or will they rather risk death? Either way, if the tribespeople receive AIDS education, condoms in Ghana will be more valuable than gold. Incidentally, another action su re to boost demand for condoms is in the survival and first-aid kit industry. Soon all kits will come with a survival pack of Trojans. If a group of people, be it the Army, Navy, or a cruise ship had an emergency, marooning in a Gilligan's Island situation, the whole group would certainly end up dead in a matter of months without a supply of condoms and AIDS-slowing antibiotics. Watch the stocks for those companies involved , and get in early. Take advantage of leading indicators and begin a promising mortuary business. A poetic justice for those future condom-moguls would be a heavy luxury tax on all sales going for AIDS research to eradicate the virus. Just kidding. Through this column we hope to lead you, the students, through the geo-political mire, exposing the news behind the news manipulated by nco-fascists, power-broking advertisers and fanatic special-interest groups. 6 A.M. AEROBICS $1 MWF Student Special $69 a Quarter .L/FE PHASE ....., Fitness Center L O 246 E. Fiddlers Canyon Rd . • 586-7447 1/2 lb. Bu nny Containers Choose from four flavo rs: Chocolate Peanut Butter Vanilla Penuche Single flavors only Freshly made in our store with real Cream & Butter. Presented in a handsome gift package. U-pickup: 1/ 2 lb. s395 Mailed: 1/2 lb. s4 9 s Place mail orders by A pril 7 Place pickup orders by April 14 SUU BOOKSTORE Order early befo re th e bunnies are go ne.... |