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Show r [PAGE 13 THURSDAY, JANUARY 11, 2001 UN IVERSITY JOURNAL OPINION ,, I DAVE BARRY. COMMENTARY The American way: fat Guess what: Americans are too fat. This fact was discovered recently by a pan.el of concerned experts and reported extensively in the news medfa, as though it were a shocking revelation . The truth is that we Americans already know we have a weight problem . We notice it every time we get out of the shower and look in the bathroom mirror and see our head sitting on top of what appears to be a towel-clad manatee. We notice it when we're unable to get our wallet out of the back pocket of our relaxed-fit jeans without the aid of power tools . We notice it whenever we go to a mall and observe our fellow Americans, many of whom could not run the 100-meter dash ,in under four days, waddling around in logo-intensive stretch-fabric athletic wear, as though at any moment they're going to be called upon to represent the United States in the Big Butt Olympics . ' So we know we 're too· fat . But that did not stop a panel of ci:mcerned experts from rem inding us. This was a different panel from the one that announced recently that-get ready-Mexican food contains a lot of fat. They also announced that there was fat in Italian food, Chinese food , fast food , any breakfast food that does not taste like mulch , and of course the ultimate DeatH Food- movie popcorn , which, as I recall from the wildly excited press coverage, contains more fat in one kernel than all the lard consumed by allied troops in World War II. You got the impression, from the media, that after a movi·e ends the ushers have to use forklifts to clear the · bloated corpses out of the theater. What I want to know is, do these expert panels honestly believe we don't know what these foods contain? Do they believe that when we go to a Mexican restaurant, we don't notice that virtually every dish consists of beef fat fried in grease topped with cheese and sour cream and garnished with individual cholesterol molecules the size of squash balls? ·· We know perfectly well that we're eating fat. We just wish you experts would stop, REMINDING us . Because the truth is, we LIKE fat. Fat tastes GOOD to human beings. That's the way we were designed by Mother Nature (who herself is a size 24) . That's why we DON'i eat what you experts nag us to eat , namely, 27 individual portions per day of raw fruits and vegetables. But we never hear good news from panels of concerned experts. They're too busy doing studies to prove yet again that we weigh too much and eat the wrong foods and don't exercise enough and watch too much TV and raise our kids wrong and smoke and drink and secretly pick our noses. And they LOVE to remind us that we're stupid . Coming up with new ways to point out the stupidity of Americans is prot?_ably the single most popular activity in the concerned-expert community. Just about every week , you read a news story in which experts announce an alarming new study showing that seven out of every 10 Americans don't know how many limbs they have, or cannot correctly identify their home planet. I want you concerned experts out there to put your ears down next to the page and listen closely to what I am about to say: WE KNOW WE'RE STUPID. You don't have to keep reminding us. We see the evidence all around us every day. My point, concerned experts, is that we Americans already know what we're like. You don't need to keep telling us. Your message has penetrated even our fat, stupid brains. Some days we get so depressed about it that we think about committing suicide by deliberately swallowing movie popcorn . We would wash it down with diet soda. Dave Barry is a nationally-syndicated columnist. !5~!e:rie:,-ce: Jk.:f.,,/10,,.,3 ! • Tandem and Solo •, Freefall Training ~wlJ J,j~ 111V11111r JMJIQ . ·1 ~~ ir. ,\ (435) 986-8461 reddy @intowest.com Must be 18 or older, under 225 pounds and ready for a great experience! For a little oYer .$5 a meal, you can eat au you want. We et"ea pay your-tax! START THE SEMESTER "3fl t t '- Sa (,j, t ,e 9a Now th a t m om isn't h ere to m a ke your me a ls, let us do it! Southern Utah University Food Services work hard to provide a variety of nutritionally balanced meals to hundreds of students a day. These meals are delicious and help to stretch your food doll~r further. ~ Each emester, various theme events and special dinner add fun and variety to our regular menu, without any additional cpst to students on a meal plan. These theme events consi t of .e verything from a traditional Thanksgiving dinner to the- Taste of the Islands. So start the semester out right! Order your meal plan today and make sure that you are getting at least one good meal to eat a day. We may not look like mom, but we sure c.a n cook like her! NO SHOPPING . NO COOKING NO CL.EAN--UP . Quic k & E a sy M e al Plan s fo r S t udent s Li v ing Off. Campu s a n d in Ma·nzanita Hall When yo u p urchase a mea l p lan at SUU, you may eat any meal (breakfast, lunch an d d in n e r ) _up to the numbe r of mea l s you h a ve purch a sed for the week . Your me a l must b e o n one J!IA•llllll-1111!11.,. tray and you cannot come back fo r seconds. H owever, yo u m ay get all you want to eat t h e first t i me through. T h e m ea l p lan does not allow a refun d on missed me al s .T-Bird Circle Operating Hours Monday - Friday 7 a.m.-7 p.m. Saturday & Sunday 12 p.m.-1 p.m. 5 p.m.-6 p.m. Meal Plans Per Semester Cost Meals a Week 5 Meal Plan $450.00" $715.00" 10 Meal Plan 15 Meal Plan $855.00"' ' 19 Meal Plan $1,075.00" "Tax is included in the cost \ • |