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Show DAVE BARRY COMMENTARY BUHTON, SANTA CRUZ, 5150, RIDE, JOYRIDE, SIMS, FORUM, SESSIONS, VOLCOM, FOURSQU4RE, DUB, DRAGON The concept of time I'm the kind of person who likes to be on time for things. In fact, I like to be early. Let's say I need to catch a flight that's leaving at 4 p.m . ln planning my drive to the airport, I'U factor in a cushion to aUow for the unexpected, such as heavy traffic, or a flat tire, or being kidnapped. Usually I'm at the gate, ticket out, ready tO go, no later than 7: 14 a.m . My wife is the other kind of person. For her, the ideal way to catch a plane would be to arrive at the airport as the plane was taking off. She'd stand at the end of the runway, and as the plane flew over her, it would snatch her up with a big hook. Even then, she'd waif untiJ the last second. "What's the hurry?" She'd say. "The plane isn't even halfway down the runway yet!" Pa.rt of this is a cultural difference. 1 grew up in a WASP household, and my wife grew up in a Cuban household. WASPs tend to foUow schedules strictly; Cubans tend to be more relaxed. If a WASP wedding is scheduled to start at 2 p.m. Sarurday, the wedding march w ill Sta.r t at 2 p.m. sharp, and the bride will come down the aisle at 2:03 p.m ., no matter what, even if the originally scheduled groom has bailed out and the bride has to use an emergency backup groom taken right off the street. Whereas in a typical Cuban wedding, the phrase "2 p.m ." is translated as "possibly this w eekend." (frue fact: I once went to a wedding at a Cuban ho me; I arrived 20 minutes before the scheduled start, and was greeted at the door by the bride, who w as still in curlers.) I believe that the Cuban community w ill not be affected b y the Millennium Bug until the year 2004 at the earliest. But the difference between m y wife and me is not to taUy cultural; I think it's also gende r.related . 1 believe that men and women do no t view time the same way: I think that, in gene ral, women think there is WAY more time in the universe than men do. lhis is not just some half. baked notion of mine: Th.is is a scientific, statistically valid conclusion that I reach ed hy talking to some g uys ahout their wives. In every atSe, the guys had ex perien ced frictio n with the ir wives over the issue of time. The way this typicaUy works is, a co uple will he go ing to a party, and they'll agree they're going to leave the house at 7:30 p.m. The wife, believing that the universe has p lenty of time left, interprets .7:30 to mean "aro und 8, o r, mo re specifically, 9." Whereas the husband, acutely sensitive to. the dwindling supply of time, ·interprets 7:30 to mean "around 7," w hich , afte r he aUows for an emergency cushio n, translates to 6:45. The husband Likes to allow a c ushio n on top of the cushion , in case there's a to rnado o r nuclear war, so he's dressed and ready to leave at 5:30, at w hich time the wife is figuring that she stiU has more than three hours o r, rounding it off, four h ours. By 7:25, the husband is a nervo us wreck. By his figuring, they arc now almost two ho urs late for the party (the husband never w anted to go to the party in the first place hut that is no longer reJevant). The husband doesn 't dare say anything direc tly to his wife, h owever , because this has resulted in friction on several prior occasions (2,381 prior occasions, to he exact). So h e tries to alert h er o f the urgency of the situation via the Universal Husband Sign aling Method, w hic h is jingling his keys. This makes h is wife c razy. She's thinking, "Why is h e JlNGUNG already? We have TONS of Lime!" So, in a mistaken effort to calm him down, she caUs out the words that cause despair in the hearts of men: · rm almost rc-ady! I'm just putting on my makeup!" To the husband, these two statements contradk.1 each other. It's like saying: "I'm very short! I'm 38 feet taU!" Or: "You can believe me! I'm Bill Clinton!'' llcc1use to the h~hand, 'Tm just putting on my makeup" means 'Tm painstaking!} applying 450 coats of beauty products to my face using an applicator the width of a human hair." Granted, the wife can do dus m seven minutes, hut it seems way longer to the husband because of AJhert Einstein's lneory of Cosmclic Relativity, which states that "every minute that a wife spends putting on makeup is experienced as 45 minutes by a h usband who has reached d1e key· jingling stage." By the time they actually leave the house (ac 7:40) there is so much friction that the car may burst into flames. If they make it to the party, the husband, trying to keep on schedule, w ill immediately want to leave. I realize that I've made some sweeping generali7.ations in this column, and you may disagree with me. If so, and you 'd like to drop me a line so I can see your side of the story, you can forget about it, because I'm running Late as it is. · Dave Barry is a nationally syndicated columnist. 'I•. t I\\ ,•t' • t \ ' .... , ,• : . .. ,. J..11> ,Fl...lf fll ~. fT. 4~~4~ $J..\/f>. t:z..t-2-1,t fr--An~uA'/l..f>J A/Jf> J/Jul"auA'/l..f>J @ All American Food r-------------------------------------, : Crispy Chicken Sandwich ·~ : : BlN ONE GET ONE FREE. two-- I I AIIAmrri,·m,F~~.( : I I L-----------:~~.:"-an:.~~~===:.:~------------~ r-------------------------------------, GoodOf>tt alportc,palo,g looat...,. !t!lj) I II AIIAmrn,,rnF~~{ · Lirnll pe, penon F* .,.. - ~ - -...-,ng Chili Cheese Fries BUY ONE GET ONE FREE. Good only at parttcipat,ng locallons. 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