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Show THE UNIVERSITY JO.URNAL • SOUTHERN UTAH YNIVERSITY , l}JESDAY, AUGUST-25, 1ns -: '. ... ,,. -..... :.. DAVE BARRY COMMENTARY Parlez-vous Francais? For my summer vacation, I went to Paris, France. I went there t o fo ll ow in the footsteps of such g r eat writers as Ernest Hemingway, Henry Miller and F. Scott Fitzgerald, all of whom, for the record, are currently dead. I blame the Parisian drivers. Paris has only one vacant parking space, which is under heavy police guard in the Louvre museum. This means that thousands of frustrated motorists have been driving around the city s ince the reign of King Maurice :XVII looking for a space, and the way they relieve their fmstrations is by a iming at pedestrians. whom they will follow onto th e sidewalk if necessary. Often the only way to escape them is to duck into o ne of Paris' hisioric cathedrals, which fortunately are locmcd about every 25 feet (or 83.13 liters). Nevertheless, it's very pleasant to walk around Paris a nd feel...as so many Americans feel when they're in that incredibly beautiful city ... fat. Because the fact is that we Americans look like enormous sneaker-wearing beef cattle compared to the Parisians, w ho tend to be very slim, with an average body weight ·of 38 pounds (7.83 meters). It's odd that the French appear to be in such good shape, because the major acrivity in Paris, aside from trying to nm over pedestrians, is sitting around in cafes for days at a 1ime looking French. Sometimes we Americans try to blend into the cafe scene, but the French immecliately spot us as impostors, because we cannot pronounce the Secret French Code letter, which is "R." They bavc learned to say "R• in a certain secret way that sounds as though they arc trying to dislodge a live eel fro m their esophagus. It is virtually impossible for a non-French person co make this sound; this is how the Parisian cafe waiters figure o ut that you arc an American, even if you are attempting to pass as French: WAlTER: Bonjour. Jc suspect quc vous etcs American. (Good day. I suwecr that you arc American.) YOU: Mais jc ne portes pas les Nikcs! (But I am not weariJ1g 1hc sneakers!) W AlTER: Au quais, mo nsieur pamalons intclligents, prononcez le mot · Rouen. " (OK, Mr. Smarty Pants, pro nounce the wo rd "Rouen. ") YOU: Woon. ("Woon.") WAITER: Si vous etes Francais. je suis !'Homme de la Batte. (If you are French, I am Batman.") The ocher sure-fire way to tell the difference between French people and Americans in a cafe is that the French arc all smoking, whereas the Americans are all trying to figure out how much to tip. The tourist gui<.Jebooks are vague about tipping: They tell you that a service charge !S USUALLY included in your biIJ, but it is not ALWAYS inclu·cted, and even if it IS included , it is not necessarily TOTALLY included. On top of that, to convert from French money to American, you hav~ to divide by sb,, and l have , yet to mee t anybody who can do this. , And' so while the French· a,re lounging and smoking and writing novels, we Americans spend our cafe. time darting nervous glances at the bill, whic h is often just a piece of paper with a lone, mysterious, not-divisible-by-six number. scrawled on it such as "83." We almost always e nd up overtipping, because we're afraid that o therwjse the waiter will make 4s say another "R" word. I frankly don't k now how the French bandle tipping, bequse in my two weeks in Paris I never saw a French person actuaJJy leave a cafe. Not that I am being crilical. As a professional journalist, I like the .idea of a society where it is conside r ed an acceptable occupation to basically sit around and drink. In fact, I liked almost everything about Paris. The city is gorgeous, the food is wonderful, and they have these reaJiy swoopy high-tech public pay toilets on the streets that look as though, if you went into one, you might gee beamed up to the Mother Ship. Also Paris has a terrific s ubway system, Le Metro (literally, "The Metro. ") 1 always felt safe and comfortable in the Metro, although o ne time, when I was waiting for a train , the ' loudsp eaker made an announcement in French, which was repeated in English, and I swear this was the w hole thing: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. Robbers are in the station. Thank you. None of the Parisians seemed the least bit alarmed, and nobody robbed me, which was a good thing, because l would have had no idea how much to tip. Dave Bmry is a nationally sy11dicated columnist. 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