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Show • I ' THE UNIVERSITY JOURNAL• SOUTHERN UTAH UNIVERSITY • WEDNESDAY, MAY 14, 1997 OPINION ' ··-·- DAVE BARRY COMMENTARY ' ' ! Viva class of 1997! Members of the Class of 1997, as I s tand bdorc you to de li ver your co mm e n ce ment address, I am re mind e d o f a humo rou s s t o ry . Unfortunately, I can't tell it, because it's dirty. It's the o ne about the two guys who arc go lfing, and one ge ts bitten by a s nake. Ha ha! That's a good one! But se ri o usly, yo u arc about to leave this university and enter into a new era - an era that, if curr ent trends cont inue, will be: th e futu re. Speaking of the future, I am reminded o f a quotation by Steve Miller, who wrote: "So m e peop le ca l 1 me Maurice, because I speak of the po mp -atus of love." . N o, sorry, wrong St eve M il ler quota t ion. I mea nt this o n e: "Ti m e keep s o n sli ppin', slippin ', s lippin ', into th e fut urc." H ow true, tru e, t rue, young people! But by th e sa m e t oken , yo u m u s t not forge t an o th e r ve ry imp -o rta nt pa rt of yo ur lives : t he past. As stude nts, you have spe n t th e pas t i n school, me mo ri zing fac t s s u c h as w h o was th e ninth pres ide nt of the Uni ted States, a nd what pe rcentage of th e atm osphe re is nitrogen. Man y times yo u ha ve sa id to yo urse lf: " Wha t goo d wi ll these facts do me in the real wo rld ?" Yo ung people, you 'll find that th e things yo u learned in school will be vita lly impo rta n t to yo ur s u ccess, provided that yo u arc a contestant on feopardy. O therwise they're u seless. I n th e rea l wo rl d , there are fe w occas ions when your boss rushes up t o you and s a ys: " T e ll me what pe rce ntage of th e a t m os ph e re is nitroge n RIGH T N O W or we'll Jose the Winkcrsnood contrac t! " Jn th e real wo rld, it's much more helpful to kno w things like what th e area code for Fo rt Lauderdale is. T h e a n s w e r, I a m o ut rage d to repo rt , is 11 954 ." Wh at kind of area code is that ? Yo u are too youn g to rem ember this, but there was a time when th ere were on ly abo ut five area codes in th e entire world, and they all had either a II l II or a "0" in the midd le , t h e way th e Go o d Lo rd inte nd e d a rea c od es to be , a s in "212," a n area code that came over on the Mayflower. But toda y, in this "a nyt hin g-goes" e r a of dru gs a nd crime and inter-league baseba ll, ANY random th ree-di git numbe r can be an area code, and th e ph one companies, which arc all run by Candice Bergen, arc adding muta nt new ones at t he rat e o f hu nd reds pe r day . Do you want to know why the phone companies arc so cager to get your lo n g- distan ce bu s iness? Because pr<.;tt y soon EVERY CALL YOU MAKE WILL BE TO A DIFFERENT AREA CODE, INCLUDING CALLS TO OTHER ROOMS IN YOUR OWN HOUSE, that' s why. Who is go ing to fight thi s injustice? Not my generation. My generation is currently occup ied fu ll tim e with applying skin m oisturi zers. No, it is up to you, the Class of 1997, to take o n the telepho ne companies, an d a lso the com panies t hat make the ca r d-boa rd food packages that h ave t h e li tt le dotte d-lin e se mi c irc les that s a y " PRESS TO OPEN." Let me as k you, the C lass of 1997, a qu es ti o n : Hav e yo u EVER bee n ab le t o o pe n a pac kage by pressin g that littl e semi -circle ? I didn't thi.nk so. T hose sc m i-c i r c lcs arc re info rced a t th e package fa ctory wi th titanium; they can easily deflect bullets. Let m e as k you anothe r question: Have you ever tri ed to wrap lefto ver food in clear plasti c wrap ? Have yo u ever tri ed to tear off a piece of t hat wrap u sing the s o- ca ll ed "c utting e dg e " ? If so, did yo u ge t a nic e, s qu a re piece, lik e t h e on e the ch e erfu l ho m e maker in th e comm e r c i a ls alway s gets ? Don ' t make me laugh. What you got was a golf-ball-sized wad that looks like a d ea d je ll yfi s h . THE " CUTTING EDGE" C UTS N OTHING, YOUNG PEOPLE! And what is the Scientific Comm unity doing abo ut these problem s, young people? THEY'RE C LONING SHEEP. G re at! Jus t what we n eed! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! O h, I co uld go on, members of th e C lass of 1997, but J see that the man with the tranquilizer-dart gun is here. So le t m e ju s t clo se with so m e inspirationa l wo rds from th e ninth president of the United States, Steve Miller, who said, and I quote: "Jungle love, it's ddvin' m e mad, it's makin' m e crazy." I blame it on all th is nitrogen. '... you '11 find that the things you learned in school will be vitally important to your success, provided that you are a contestant on 'Teopardy'.' Dave Barry is nationally syndica ted columnist. ti LETTERS AIDS articles mask bigotry • After rea din g G lenn Hal tcrman's ugly a n d combative artic les on AIDS I feel com pe ll ed to w rite in respo nse. I have no desire to get into a m oral battle with Mr. Halterman or waste words di sputing the facts s urroundin g AID S. He is entitled to his beliefs and opini on s. I do, how.ever, take iss u e with his mean sp ir ited a r tic les a nd th e way h e ha s addre sse d t h e iss ue o f AIDS in Am erica. Rega rdl ess o f his pe rso nal beliefs, I have to w o nder wher e Halt e rm a n 's human compassion is? Docs h e have one s h red of empathy for the millions who have suffered and conti nu e to su ff er with AIDS? Apparently not . Instead h e smugly te ll s us wh y h e is free from the di sease. What of the fami li es who have los t a father, a m oth er, sister, brother, friend? Where is his respect for the dead? D o n't those who have los t a loved one to AIDS have th e righ t to honor them w ith a ca nd le li gh t vigi l w ithout the sarcas ti c and be l itt l ing remark s o f G lenn Halterman ? Mr. Ha lt c rman 's arti cles s how t h e ma rk of someone who has no rea l idea how the AIDS epidemic is effecting t his count ry on a hu man level. It is more tha n li ke ly he never will s in ce he will neve r loo k at AIDS as a human iss ue. The numbers to him arc ju s t a body count, not a s tory of s uffering and pain. By writing these articles, Ha lterman has engaged in yellow jou rnalism . The fact is that Halterman is a th inl y veiled bigot biding behind his writ ing. Ch r is Madsen Morality lVhat's at issue here • I' m su re most of us have noticed t he somew h at heated arg um e nt th a t has developed in the past couple issues of the Un ivers ity Journ al. O n e thing, in partic ular th at I've noticed is that everyo ne seem s to be arguin g not abo ut AIDS, but about m o rality. If the re's one th ing th a t I've learn ed, it's that no o ne is going to convince another that their principles and beliefs arc the correct. And it appea rs that seve ral people arc already upset. Like I sa id before, you aren 't arguing about AIDS.Yo u' re arguin g abou t mo rality. N o w before yo u think of a few choice words to desc rib e my cha ra cter, please ta ke a step ba ck and look at this arg um e n t fo r a whil e. M r. Halt e rman seem s t o t h ink th a t s in ce th ese peo pl e did n 't li ve " ri ghteo usl y " th a t the y go t what they deserved. O the rs picked up on that and didn't like it one bit. I h ave to admit that neither djd I. Every one dies, but some choose to poin t fingers and say that th e decea sed lived wrong and that's why the y're dead . They deserved it. All I have to say is where docs ANYONE get off conde m n ing oth e rs for li ving the wrong way? No one has t he right to place their mora l s, whatev e r they may be, on a pedestal and look down the ir nose whe n som eone disagrees. T he only reason there is an y argument at all about this is because too m any people have decided to play judge when they kn ow they shouldn't. So, Halte rman, you have accomplished wh a t yo u set o ut t o do . Yo u did a rem a rk abl e jo b of m a kin g peopl e rea ll y m ad. If that's what yo u wanted then more power to yo u, you're a lot braver than I am. But if you feel yo u m us t di scuss an other volatile subject like this one, be sure to mention that you spea k fo r yourself. I don't want to be spo ken fo r by anyone. I have man y fri e nd s that h a ve ve ry diffe re n t m o ral pra c ti ces t ha n J do. But I try to accept them fo r who they arc and not what they believe in. I don't want them reading an artic le that condemns them and coming to the conclusio n that s.i ncc I be lieve in the same principtes, .I think the sam e way. Sometimes people die when they didn't h ave t o be cau se o f prac ti ces l• 1at yo u pe rsonall y didn ' t ag ree w it h . But that doesn't m ean th ey deserved it. We have no right to begrudge others t heir sorrow at a nothe r's pass in g wh e th e r t hey li ved a "morally correct" life or not. Kelly Boyer Band concert lVill be fantastic • I think it's time we take the lid off of o ne of the best kept secret s in So uthern Utah, ma ybe all of Utah for that matter. Of lat e there's been a god's ransom and endurance of h oopla regarding the event, ga l a or ce le br a tion of th e d ec ad e o r millennium h ereabouts. I'd like t o throw in my personal and of course comple tely unbiased no min-ation. I s tron gl y s u s p e ct th e s ing le o uts tanding mu sical perform -a ncc of this acad e mic y e a r will take pla ce o n Thu rsda y evening, May 15 at 7:30 p .m. in th e S h a rwan Smith Stud e nt Ce nt e r Ball room . Anyone wh o has no t h eard o ur SUU Concert Band, th e Wind Ensem-ble, m ay be in fo r a big shock. Th is is one te rrific band, probably the best we've had in my 25 p lu s y e ars at thi s ve n e rabl e institution . Th e conc e rt is on a Thursday, a perfec t off-day. The pri ce is perfect : it's free . Eve n facu lty can afford to c o m e and are e n thus ia s ti ca ll y encouraged to do so. One final word of caution : wear clean hos ie ry . T h is band ca n f lat r o ll yo ur socks up an d do wn and the n kn ock them off y o ur fe e t. A s Utah 's b es t kn o wn commentato r might say, "Yo u' re gonna love it baby." T hat's a fac t . · · - - - · · · · - · · David Lee · |