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Show Sunday, April30,200600 FUNNYBONE DAILY HERALD HOROSCOPE. charm the people around you today. 4 stars CELEBRITIES BORN ON THIS DAY:‘Kirsten Dunst, 24; Isiah Thomas, 45; Willie Nelson, 73 VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Happy Birthday: The chance WARNING: SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE Stick to what you know. If you tryto impress someone bypre- to prove yourself is now and with all your talents, you will soon be on the road to victory Watch out for anyone who tending to be something you arenot you will end up losing out. Sudden changes in your personal life can be expected. tries to downplayor discour- Tryto stay calm. 2 stars age you from whatyou are doing. Believein yourself and ecently, I had a simple, effects, underneath whichis 6. asecondpiece of paper warning you thatthe first piece foolproofideafor eliminating the drug problem in this country. It came to me ofpaper could give you a paper INTRUDER GAINING ACCESS TOITALIAN SEASONING), While I wasstirring my spa- ghetti sauce, it occurred to me while I was making spaghetti cut. Even this may not be enough 1 use an ancientItalian spa- Securityfor the aspirin of tomorrow. At this very moment, packaging scientists are work- wehavetodois: system, in whichthe entire aspirin container would be located insidea live sea urchin. 6, next to the Sweet 'n Low.”). sauce. ghefti sauce recipe that has been handed down through many generations of ancient Italians, as follows: ing on an even more secure Dave Barry 1, Buysome spaghetti sauce. 2. Heatitup. Sometimes | add some season- With aspirinleading the way ing to the sauce, togive it a dash of whattheItalians call joie de vivre(literally, ingredients). I opening up the bottles and — it spoil things for everybody — in- more and more products are comingout in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent marketspice section, a small Sonowaspirin bottles behave very muchlike stinging insects in nature movies, defending themselves against consumer them. My Italian Seasoning container featured afoil seal andafiendishplasticthing thatI could not remove with my bare had purchased, from the super- plastic containerlabeled “Italian Seasoning.” Myplan wasto openthis containerand sprinkle someseasoning intothe sauce. Already.I can hear you veteran consumersout there chortling in a good-natured amusement “You complete moron,” you arechortling. “Youactual thought you could gain access to only takes a few“bad apples”to gesting aspirin tablets. accessvia a security system: 1. Thereis a plastic wrapper days, cap. every consumer item by gnaw 2. The cap, whichis patented by the Rubik's Cube company, cannot be removed unless you typical consumer household and line aninvisible arrowup with aninvisible dot while rotating packaging?” Yes, | did, and I certainly learned mylesson. Becauseit turns outthat Italian seasoning hasjoined the growing number of products that, For Your Protection, are packagedin contain- the cap counterclockwise and pirin. Years ago — ask your grandparents spirin was soldin bottles that had remov- able caps. That system was changed whenconsumer-safety authorities discovered that certain consumers were taking advantage ofthis loophole by hands, which meant. of course. that I had to use my teeth. These to keep youfrom getting at the a product protected by modern ers that you cannotopenunless you own a homelaser cannon. This trend started with as- consumers from consuming simultaneously pushing down andpulling up. 3. In the unlikely event that you get the cap off, the top of the bottle is blocked byataut piece of extremely feisty foil made from the same impenéetrable material used to protect the Space Shuttle during atmosphericre-entry 4. Underneath thefoil is a vir- tually unremovable wadofcot- youhave to openalmost ing onthe packaging. Go to any you'll note mostof the products — food, medicine, compact discs, appliances, furniture — are coveredwithbite marks. as thoughthe houseis infested with crazedbeavers. The floor will be gritty withlittle chips of consumerteeth. Many consumers are also getting goodresults by stabbing their products with knives. I would estimate that 58 percentofall serious household accidents result from consumers assaulting packaging designed to improve consumer safety Anyway, | finally gnawed tonthesizeof a small sheep. my seasoning container open no doubt activatinga tiny trans- is noactual aspirin underneath the cotton. There is onlya piece mitter that triggered an alarm 5. Asa finalprecaution,there of paperlisting dangerousside TODAYIN HISTORY in someSpice Security Com- mandPost (WHEEP! WHEEP! Ten years ago: President Clin- ton andIsraeli Prime Minister ShimonPeressigned an accord Todayis Sunday, April 30, the 120th day of 2006. There “Casey” Jonesofthe Illinois are 245 days left in the year. wreck near Vaughan, Miss., after staying at the controls in an effort to save the passengers. Today's Highlightin History: OnApril 30, 1945, as Russian troops approachedhis Berlin Central Railroad died in a In 1939, the New York bunker, Adolf Hitler committed World'sFairofficially opened one day, Eva Braun. nounced the U.S. was sending troops into Cambodia, an ac- suicide along with his wife of Onthis date: In 1789, George Washington took office in NewYork as the first president of the United States. In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Terri- tory from Francefor $60 million francs, the equivalent of about (U.S.) $15 million. In 1812, Louisiana became the 18th state of the Union. In 1900, engineer John Luther In 1970, President Nixonantion that sparked widespread protest In 1973, President Nixonannouncedthe resignationsof top aides H.R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman, along with Attorney General Richard G. Kleindi- your abilities — your day will come. Your numbersar@9, 13, 26, 31, 40, 47. ARIES (March 21-April 19): You mayhaveto go the extra mile to get what you wantbut it will be worth it. You maybe tempted toget involved with someone who isn’t right for you. Keep your thoughts to yourself. 4 stars that if we want to eliminate the drug problem in this country, all 1. Makeall drugs completely legal and allowthem to be sold in supermarkets (“Crack? Aisle TAURUS(April 20-May20): Thereis a whole lot more go‘ing on behindyourback than 2. Require that the drugs be sold in standard consumer ite My reasoning is that if physicallyfit, clear-headed left out on purpose. You are just too wrappedupin your ownthing and not paying atGEMINI (May21-June20): youmay be missing animportant messagefrom friends and down todayso planto stay peopleclosest to you, you may tention. 3stars You'll find it difficult tosettle I realize that some of you may family. If you've neglected the busy. Get involved in some- thing mentally and physically challenging. Once immersed in something youactually'enjoy everythingelsewill take a have questions about thisplan. Your most likely concernis: “If dangerousandhighlyaddictive narcoticsare sold freely in supermarkets, will the packages be required to have Nutritional Facts labels,like the onesthat nowhelpfullyinform consumers of the protein, carbohydrate, vi- iron content of products such as, ool Whip Lite? Of coursetheywill. Even youneed to boost your confidenceso get back into shape. 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Your tact someonefrom yourpast titude and possibly your looks chase, hestill has a vital right to know, as an Americanconsumer, that if he did consume it he'd be getting only a small percentage of his Minimum Daily Requirement of dietary fiber 19): The moreyoudo to get ahead, the better your upcom- ideas are good and yourability to get things done, excellent Don't waste time when your timingis right. 3 stars AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A whomaybe thinking about you as well. A change inat- though,if my plan works as expected, anaddict would be unable to consumehis heroin pur- be in for a surprise. 2 stars CAPRICORN(Dec. 22-Jan. back seat. 3 stars CANCER (June 21-July 22): Travel back in time mentally and remembersome of the places youused to hang out This is the perfect time to con taminA, vitamin C, calcium and Romantic encounterswill be fun. 5 stars SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov.21): You are so immersed in your work that you may haveforgotten how to have fun. 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