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Show DAILY Sunday, April 23, 2006 HERALD To be respectful, ex’s stuff should be put away thanks. arolyn: Abouta year ago I began a relationship Out of respect for your feelings, too, obviously — but she blewthat chance when she didn't mothball the ex the very first time you spoke up. People often stop “seeing” thathas really takenoff. I'm mid-40s, she’s mid-30s. After a few months, the pictures displayed in her apartment of her with her ex started their own walls, and therefore don't notice they've become getting on my nerves. I understood these photos represented somethingin a shrine. Butin that case, the moment someonepoints it out, her life that brought her the shrine goes into a box at happiness,so let it go. But the backof a closet finally I said it'd be niceif Herreluctance suggests a shrine by choice, not inertia, and that's where my answer we could replace some with picturesofus,.or anything besides what was there. She seemed agreeable, but the pics remained. She said she was trying to print someof us that would fit the frames. Fine, but it took several months. Thepics finally came down, but nowshe’s got scrapbooksfull of ex-boyfriend memorabilia all over the house we nowshare. Cards,letters, photos,etc. I knowweall havepasts; I've let mine go, and would like to focus on the future. Am 1 off base for wanting the same from her? H. No. Thisis based less on her Tell Me AboutIt changes: Youareoff-base, forstill hoping she'll stowher flagrant mementos than on your flagrant reasonableness. You're not asking her to expunge Ex from memory, or prove he meantnothing to her, or otherwise compensate you for your own jealousy — youjust wantExout of your face. Right? (I'm assuming you'vetold meeverything; unfortunately, people whoroll their eyes, drop hints, stomp around, sigh audibly and makesarcasticasides while officially being reasonable rarely report themselves.) For being accépting of her past, mild with your requests and patient with her response, she should humoryoujust out of past after nine months ofstalling She wantsthis stuff around Why?Ask her — with the samepatience you seem to have managed sowell so far. I think youalso need to ask yourself, based on a year’s worthrof words, deeds and impressions, whether Exis reallystill in her heart, orjust cluttering up the house. And then you need to askif you canlive with either one. DearCarolyn My father-in-law came over to drop something off Need success? Be at our house while we were away. I wasn't aware he had | ‘a key. I had all my tax and financial documents out on the table. They were shuffled around. It is obvious he went | through them. I feel my privacyhas been violated. My | your biggestfan. have a problem with messing up absolutely everything. When a good oppor- tunity approaches me, wheth- husbandtells meto get over | it. Do I dropthis issue or say er it’s with possible dating candidates or academic things something to him? (like taking an advanced course), I end up not doing so well withit.I get really motivated about something and feel confidentI can achieveit, but I never do. With guys, for instance, ] keep repeating the samepainful patterns. I meet someonegreat, get to know —S. Drop it. It maybe really obvious,” but you still don’t knowhe snooped. One of you could have rustled the papers inadvertently. Or a draft, or elves. But don't dropthe in-law | boundaries issue. You and your husband obviously don't agree on whois allowed where, and when.Discuss till you do. “Get overit” doesn't fly tellme@washpost.com; 334-5669; or “Tell Me About It,” write: I don't believe you'rereally “messing up absolutely everything” — but I do believe that it feels like you are. When you describe what you're experi- c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW,Washington, D.C. 20071. Chat online with Carolyneach Friday at encing, I picture you watching noonEasterntime, at www.washingtonpost.com “Encourage your children to read a newspaper every day. They may grow up to make this a more peaceful world.” — JimmyCarter, former President It all starts with newspapers. DoilyXHerald For the best view of your world, f your life and giving blowby-blow commentary: “OK — here's a great opportunity coming . now just watch her blow it! Yup! There she goes! She ruins it again!”It’s like you're psyching yourself out positive and feel confident that you're doing the best you can to get yourself where you want to be, you'll feela lot better about yourself and your accomplishments. Tam lesbian, and I just recently told my parents about mypartner of six months. It was difficult decision for me to make, but I did it. Now I want mypartnerto tell her parents, but she won't. I think thatshe is ashamedof me andof what she is. What should I do about this? — Anonymous,18, Richmond,Ind. determined that’s your lot in You must feel relieved that you can finally be honest with your parents, but you need to success. Step one: What are your goals? I don’t mean your your partner's. I hope you realizethat the conversation with her parents goes way beyond and setting yourself up to fail because you've already life. Instead,let's set you up for separate your situation from goals for the next 10 years, but just the rest of the school year. What would youlike to achievein the next two months? Makea realistic list of two or three things. Maybe getting a Sure, you area part of the equation in that you're an important part ofherlife now, but you've only knownherfor six months certain grade in a course you're to communicate something struggling in? Meeting some new guys? This way you can focus onhitting your goals by creating a specific plan to make them happen.Thatis the difference between success and failure — preparation and planning.Step two: You need to be your ownbiggest fan, not biggest hater. Think aboutit: If elf Your Town, Your Neighbocs. Your Newspaper. Atoosa Rubenstein Dear Seventeen him,believe I could be really happy with him, he becomes interestedin me, I say some- thing stupid or do something that makes him question what he saw in me,andthenit’s over — andI'm left wondering what’s wrong with me. Please help me. — Melissa, 14, Qualicum Beach,Calif. E-mail “Tell Me About It”: q the voice inside your headis the one you hear most often, imagine how devastating it is to hear that person consistently tell you how you messed up,said something wrong,scared the guy away, whatever. Trust me: Nobody (outsideof television or the movies) has a perfect life — but when you focus on the your relationship with her. —andshe’s figuring out how very importantto two people who have beenclose to her for 18 years! (I’m assuming she’s your age.) If her keeping you a secret bothers you to the point of feeling likethe relationship isn't working,that is your decision. But pushing herto have the conversation just to make yourself feel comfortableis selfish — and could end uppushing her away. Questions may be sent directly to Atoosa Rubenstein at: dearseventeen@hearst com. Atoosa Rubenstein, the foundingeditor of CosmoGirl! magazine,is the editor in chief of Seventeen magazine. Utah Stage Artists presents 2nd Semi-Annual Utah Idol by MCS™ & Pioneer Competition! When: Preliminary Rounds Ongoing Thru May6 Register early to reserve your performancetime Where: Art City Playhouse, 254 South MainSt. in Springville formerly the Villa) Who: TWO Age Categories 10 to 14 and 15 thru Adult Scholarships, Your own Concert at Art City Playhouse AND CenterStreet Musical Theatre, Gift Certificates, and MUCH MORE!! HOURS: MONDAY Connon ee eee ee eG Vai-307bg See RUi aca ST SanoO PSTN Corre Crem nay ishae St. Gr rte Pati $20 Registration Fee AMERICAN Fork ae FREE 90 Minute Performance Technique Workshop for Semi-Finalists Call: 735-4543or visit www.arcityplayhouse.com to register \ |