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Show Sunday, March 5, 2006 DAILY HERALD FUNNY BONE S TODAYIN HISTORY Today is Sunday, March 5, tence) On March 5, 1946, Winston the “Junior Tuesday” primaries. U.S. Rep. Enid Greene the 64th day of 2006. There are 301 daysleft in the year. Today's Highlight in History: WARNING: SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE Churchill delivered his famous “Iron Curtain” speech at Westminster College in Fulton, Mo. Onewag’sview ofcanine control Said Churchill: “From Stettin Te:'s topic is: Practical AND A WRONG WAY TO BREAKOFF A PIECE OF BIS- owndogsbecause they are good-natured,simple and easily amused. I am referring here to the Americans. The are not exactly Mensa members,either, but they definitely makebetter “Richard Dawson of Borden- town, N.J., whose story was brought to my attention by alert reader Richard Lipschultz. Dawson was walking his dog, pets thantropical fish. Suppose, for example, that you're homealone, and you Start choking on piece of takeout Chinese food, and you collapse to the floor, dying. A tropical fish is not going to alertly DaveBarry rushoverto the phone, knock thereceiver off the hook,dial 911 withits nose and bark excitedly into the mouthpiece until the operator sends f Of course, a dog is not going to dothis, either. A dog is going to wander over andlick the soy sauce off your increasingly blue face. But while it's doing this,it will be thinking loyal thoughts about you. So wecan see that there are major benefits to dog ownership. But before you make “man’sbest friend” part of your family, you need to know the Three Key Principles of Practical Dog Ownership: 1. REMEMBER YOUR SAFETY PRIORITIES WHEN DRIVING WITH A DOG, Dogs LOVEto goforrides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.It is not merecoincidencethat the first animal in space was a dog. It wentupin a Russian satellite that was clearly never going to come back down,but the Russians didn't haveto ask it twice. (The dog, not the satellite.) They just opened thesatellite door, and the dog bounded enthusi- astically inside and blasted into space and spent 189 consecu- tive hourswithits nose pressed against the porthole, barking violently at cosmic rays,until finally the Russians couldn't standit any moreand turned off menradio receiver. So your dog will definitely wantto goplaces in your car. But you must be careful when driving with a dog. Consider the following true anecdote involving a Southgate, Mich., woman ree I will identify here only as Ann because she will probably want to remain anonymous aftershe kills her husband, Stephen, for writing in to tell me about this anecdote. Ann was driving in her minivan with a schnauzer whom I will identify here only as Bobbie, when Bobbie started to throw up on the passenger seat. Dogs throw up lot. It’s a survival instinct that they inherited from their relatives, wolves, which swallow their prey in the field, then return to the den and regurgitate for their young; this causes the young to be so grossed out that they leave the den andget jobs. (This technique can also be adapted by human parents, according to Dr. Joyce Brothers’best-selling book,“Ralph on Your Kids.”) Anyway, when Bobbie started barfing, Ann wisely took her eyes off the road and reached overto shove Bobbieoff the seat. Thanks to Ann’s quick thinking,disaster was avoided, except for the fact that her minivan swerved across the road and smashed into a parked car, resulting in over $1,000 worth of damage. But the important thing is that the seat was fine. Lou, and decided to give Lou a piece ofthe large dog biscuit in his (Dawson's)jacket pocket. Rather than gotoall the trouble of taking the whole biscuit out, Dawson decide to break off a" piece by simply punching the biscuit while it was still in his pocket. The first punch failed to do the job, so Dawson punched the biscuit harder,the result being— in Dawson's own words — “I broke myrib.” The lesson here, obviously, is that you need to reaily whack * your biscuit. This is precisely why many experienced dogowners carry hammers. 3. USE GOOD JUDGMENT WHEN DISCIPLINING DOGS Ihaveherean article, sent in by manyreaders, from the Rocky Mountain Newsin Colorado, headlined, WOMAN ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS HERSELF,and subheadlined, “Ownerof 10 dogs nicks finger with she routinely fired at ceiling to stop pets from fighting.” ‘The article states that the woman used a .25-caliber handgun to control her dogs;she told police that she fired it into the ceiling when the dogs got into a fight. As a dog owner and dog lover, I was shocked to learn that ina so-called humane society, a person would even THINK of attempting to control 10 dogs with a gun of such small caliber. Use your heads, dog owners! For five or more dogs,experts recommend at LEAST. a .357 magnum, unless the dogs are Labrador retrievers,in which case you need nuclear weapons. In this, as in every other area of dog ownership, the key ii s plain old “common sense,” which is why I want to leaveall of you dog-owners out there, both novices and veterans, with this thought: “The Biscuit Whack- ers” would be an excellent name for a band. statutes and unvigorous Mine Safety and Health Administra- tion enforcement haveresulted ina structureofcivil fines almost guaranteed not to deter dangerous conditions. The largest-ever MSHA fine (for a 2001 incident with 13 deaths) was $605,400 (as compared to, for example, the FCC's 2004 fine of CBS forthe brief image of Janet Jackson's breast at the Bowl, which was $3.5 million). One attorney who represents coal companies claimed that fines are largely irrelevant to safety: “I really don’t think any responsible mine operator makes any decision about safety based oncivil penalties.” (USA Today, 2-10-06) Compelling Explanations » American Pride:In January, now!” (even though Cochran had passed away 10 months earlier). TheLitigious Society » After two boysat PS 14 in New York City taunted a 5year-old classmatein January three times by grabbing his privates, schoolofficials held a and referred the Dae for guidance counseling. Unsatisfied, the younger boy’s parentsin February filed a lawsuit against the already-budgs spokesman NickInskip of the trade association of Australia’s legalized brothels and strip clubs praised the American sail- ors who that week began several days’ shore leavein Brisbane. “(T)he fellowsare fantastic customers,” he said. “They are so well-mannered.... They're very awarethat they’re representing their country, andthat's why they behave so well.” » More Things to Blame on Bush;(1) Two gunmen robbed a 57-year-old woman in her Westerville, Ohio, home in February,but, according tofpapaice r argued among t aosont todo the job, until one of the men, perhaps feeling sorry for himself, said, “This is all George W. Bush's fault. He screwed up the econ- previously earned up to $20,000 a year writing (including at least one piece on be all over the news(froma misadventureat a Texas ranch), the New England Journal of Medicine reported the odd case of a 73-year-old Inuit woman hospitalized in Nome,Alaska, whose abdominal X-ray revealed an enlarged and photographically opaque appendix, which doctors concluded was an appendix filled with buckshot. The Inuits, doctors said, eat so many ducks and geese downed by buckshot that inevitably some buckshot remains in the cooked meat andis eaten and digested, with some migrating to the appendix, whereit is trapped. Thé appendix was enlarged and opaque on the Xray simply because it was overstuffed with buckshot. Smooth Reactions prefecture in Clintons no longer lived there but did say that “George Bush aehesccretery forthe Miracle of Prayer Church in. GroveHill, Ala., was arrested in January on an outstanding war- rant, ES Nahe Williams called the house.) Least Competent : Criminals Not Cut Out for a Life of Crime:(1) University of Colora- do freshman Jonathan — caught by security personnel in November after he printed out a fake bar code, stuck it on a $149.99 iPod, and bought it for $4.99 at a Target store, immediately wrotea frenzied confession:“I will NEVER EVER DOTHIS EVER AGAIN, and lam once more tt sorry. I'm only a kid! Help me out!... Please! Please! Please!”(It didn’t help)(2) After Seattle police chased a carjacking suspect into atree in February, bystanders gathered around and r, Mi- ichiro Yamashita, 70, received a suspended sentence for bring- changed his mind and gave him the treatment he wanted for his stomachache. (2) Two women crowdyelled back,“Yes it is!”) Recent Alarming Headlines (1) “Australian Whale Vomit Find Wortha Fortune” (an are at largein the Kenner, La., area after one slashed a Rally's restaurant manager in February with a razor blade becauseher ‘ed substitution (mayon- naise for tartar sauce on her fish (2)“Why I Still Breastfeed My oaYear-Old Girl” (a News & of Carlisle, Teport why he can’t return to that line of work. feeding irate el ower » Stewart Jenkins, 33, was ar- sires it) (February). Undignified Deaths A 23-year-old man fell to his deathoff a balcony during a spitting contest with his was convicted in February after tldme jump the fence, nd suspected crack cocaine from (1) In Japan's Wakayama he said, was “gas money for the car.” (2) A 29-year-old man he jumped over fence at the White House to meet upwith Chelsea Clinton. A to an officer,the nathergey unfazed at being the Nationalists to gain a slender majority in the Reichstag. In 1953, Soviet dictator JosefStalin died at age 73 after 29 years in power. blocked artery after going to a hospital with chest pains. Twostudents at Santana HighSchoolin Santee, Calif., were shot to death, 13 other people were wounded; student shooter Charles “Andy” Williams was later sentenced to 50 yearsto life in prison. A stampede broke out during the annual hajj pilgrimagein Mina,Saudi Arabia, killing 35 Muslims. One yearago: Syrian Presi- dent Bashar Assad announced a two-stage pullback ofhis country’s forces to the Lebanese border, buthe failed to address broadinternational demands that he completely withdraw Syria's 15,000 troops after nearly 30 years in Lebanon. Today's Birthdays: Actor In 1963, country music performersPatsy Cline, “Cowboy” Copas and “Hawkshaw” Hawkins died in a plane crash near Camden,Tenn. In 1970, a nuclear nonprolif- James Nobleis 84. Actor James B. Sikking is 72. Actor Dean Stockwell is 70. Actor Fred Williamsonis 68. Actor Michael Warrenis 60. Actor Eddie Hodgesis 59. Singer eration treaty wentinto effect Eddy Grantis 58. Violinist after 43 nations ratified it. In 1982, comedian John Belushi was found dead of a drug overdose in a rented bungalow in Hollywood; he Eugene Fodoris 56. Rock musician Alan Clark (Dire Straits) is 54. Actress-come- dian Marsha Warfieldis 52. Magician Penn Jillette is 51. Popsinger Teena Marieis 50. Rock singer Charlie Reid is 44, Rocksinger Craig Reid is 44, Rock musician John Frusciante (Red Hot Chili Peppers) is 36. Singer Romeis 36. Actor Kevin Connollyis 32. Actress lying to the government about Jolene Blalockis 31. Model Niki Tayloris 31. Actress Eva Mendesis 28. Actor Jake Lloydis 17. Thought for Today: “Don't (Eachlater ren Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher(1813-1855). CELEBRITIES BORN ON THIS DAY:Jake Lloyd, 17; Kevin child sex) and sees no reason ay)” All the two men needed, In 1933, in German parliamentary elections, the Nazi Party won 44 percentof the vote, enabling it to join with Five years ago:Vice Presi- dent Dick Cheney underwent an angioplasty for a partially forget to love yourself.” — So- SEE hospital and threatening to blow of his sentence for child rape, In 1868, the Senate was organized into a Court of Impeachment to decide charges against President Andrew Johnson. Waldholtz, R-Utah, tangled in a financial mess that she blamed on her estranged husband, announced she would not seek a second term. EUGENIA LAST, SUNDAY, MARCH 5 ing 25 sticks of dynamite toa seph Schmitt, 41, filed a lawsuit for $70,000 against the Department of Corrections in Decemberfor restricting his ability to continue his writing career from lockup. Schmitt, now in civil detainment (as exceptionally dangerous) following completion presidential inauguration. received a five-month sen- the No. rule ofdriving with a dog. 2. THERE IS A RIGHT WAY County jail to protest, vowing that he wasn’t going “no damn where”until she was released. As the crowd grew,and deputies warned Williams about inciting a riot, Williams became moredefiant, screaming at descended across the continent, allowing police governments to rule Eastern Europe.” On this date: In 1770, the Boston Massacre took place as British soldiers who'd been taunted by a crowdofcolonists opened fire, killing five people. In 1849, Zacl Taylor took the oath of chticeat his a stocksale; her ex-stockbroker, Peter Bacanovic, also was found guilty in the scandal. “Aboveall, protect the seat” is. members (most of whom are African-American)to the Clarke Adriatic, an ‘iron curtain’ has was 33. In 1986,in Lebanon,Islamic Jihad issued a statement saying it had “executed” French hostage Michel Seurat, who had been abducted almost a year earlier. In 2004, Martha Stewart was convicted in New Yorkof News of the weird by Chuck Shepherd A February report on mine safety regulation by USA Today found that complicated federal in the Baltic, to Trieste in the Ten years ago: Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole swept Connolly, 32; Michael Warren, 60; Samantha Eggar, 67 HappyBirthday; Travel, learning and expanding your friendships, knowledge and spiritual direction should be on your to-do list. Don’t miss out on the chance to do something that could lead to a brighter future. Rid yourself of the people and thingsthatare standing in your way — it’s time to put yourself first. Your numbers are 7,14, 28, 33, 37, 40. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct.22): Your mindwill be on distant lands or on doing something unusual, entertaining and playful. You can makethings happenif you share yourideas and coax others to help you with yourplans. A romantic encounteris apparent. 5 stars ‘SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov.21): Keep your wits about you. Someone may have something interesting to saybut itmay ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will have added discipline that will allow you to follow through with your self-improvementplans. Your dedication to doing something “ wholeheartedly will impress the people you meetalong the way.A trip should be considered. 3 stars TAURUS(April 20-May 20): and diplomacy will help you get what you want. You can makea tremendous difference to the people around youby being open about the way ydu see things unfolding. Personal changes should be considered. An older relative may worry about your plans.2 stars a GEMINI(May 21-June 20): You'll be feeling restless and in need of change. Don't consider trying to get away with sométhing today. Youwill be caught in your own trapif you do. A chance to do something creative will help to calm your nerves.3 stars CANCER(June 21-July 22): Mix business with pleasure if at all possible. Romance : i: in the stars but avoid who are already involved with someone a Travel arrangements fed or not go. aaie to plan. 3 stars LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Going somewhereexotic should be your plan today. Youwill feel greater commitment to the people you care about as well as to the endeavors you wish to pursue. Love should be a top priority. 4 stars VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It may be the weekend but your mindwill probably be fixated on waysto get ahead professionally. Step outside the normal andconsider unusual options. You need a changethatwill shake your foundation and teach you somet new.4 stars AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Loveinterests will mount. Makeplans to do something with someoneyoureally care about. You won't agree with someone in your family or someoneyou live with. Avoid confrontations by taking action, not with verbal abuse. 2 ‘ars PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Someone maytry to derail your belief system. Don’t get frazzled. You don't have to defend whatyoustand for or push your beliefs on others. Be thankful you have such solid convictions, Take care of personal financial matters. 4 stars Birthday Baby: You areintensein all that you do. You take a different approach and relish the fact you are unique. Youareclear about your likes anddislikes and about what you wantto do withyour life. ‘You are passionate and very persuasive. Show your worth and stand ~ for your beliefs. You are ely to face opposition but,if you back downnow,you will Eugenia’s Websites: rare it in the future. It may “ astroadvice.com for be time to moveon or take a t.com for eu different approach. 2 stars Confidential consultations PpsiNoreen A2. year-old man was shot to death of life” to extricate her from “What's up?” Hickey (again): “What's up?” Jenkins: “I'll show you what's up!” He ran into a nearby house and Local Businesses * Phone Numbers Dee ene Th) www.heraldextra.com/yellowpages |