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Show The Salt Lake Tribune ENTERTAINMENT June 14, 2000 Hollywood Remakes Are More Often Desecration Than Homage BY TODD ANTHONY with equal aplombin a remake of KNIGHT RIDDER NEWS SERVICE Is there any category of motion picture more prone to failure than the dreaded remake? Yet no matter how many bad ones Hollywood tosses off, there are always more in the pipeline. Evenas youread this, Tim Burton is scouting locations for a remake of“Planetof the Apes.” These Five Classics Are Ripe for Remaking Ty Power’s 1940 “The Mark of Zorro.” @‘The Birdcage” (1995): Nathan Lane and Robin Williams as a middje-aged gay couple playing straight minced merrily through La Cage Aux Folles on Miami's South Beach. @ “The Thomas Crown Affair” (1999): Pierce Brosnan and Rene BY TODD ANTHONY won’t stop until they remake every decent movie ever produced — plus quite a few that weren’t so hot to begin with. rather than rail againstthe studios forall the bad remakes they have foisted uponus, here is a short list of those we would payto see: ™@ “The African Queen”: Imagine Le- experience to play the ditzy blonde whose naiveté blinds her to her boyfriend’s pathological infidelity. Wit wouldn’t take muchof a stretch for “ onardo DiCaprio in the Humphrey. Bogart role, Kate Winslet for Kate Hepburn, and Jack Nicholson to play the middle-aged writer drowning in alcohol and cynicism in “Sunset Hollywood spoon-fed us second helpings of popular films long be- fore it decided to reheat this summer’s entrées like “Gonein 60 Seconds,”“Shaft” and “I Was Made to Love Her.” (The latter, a Chris Rock vehicle, is actually a remake of a remake, following “Heaven Can Wait” andthe original “Here ComesMr.Jordan.”) Notall remakesturn outbadly. A few even qualify as classics — “The Magnificent Seven” (from kind of heat that Steve McQueen and Faye Dunawaydid in 1968. But there are worse video rentals. 10 Worst Remakes (of the Past 1970 than he does today. Especially with a slice of Lemmon. 1 “The Bachelor”(1999): Whose idiotic idea was it to cast Chris O'Donnell in a feeble, formulaic the house on computerHero”). , ' generated special effects, and lost. @“Dr. Dolittle”, (1998): WiseIn 1963 they counted on psycholog- cracking animals upstage Eddie ical terror, and won. @ “The House on Haunted Hill (1999): A bloody remake ofa cheesy 1950s-era VincentPrice original. “You've Got Mail” (1998): . You’ve also got enough cloying treacle tofill two earlier versions of“The Shop Aroundthe Corner.” @ “Fathers’ Day” (1997): Holly- assault on the good memory of wood butchers another gem from @ “The Out-of-Towners”(1998): Buster Keaton’s silent-movie classic “Seven Chances”? ™@ “The Haunting” (1999): They bet Veber “Partners,” “My (“The Toy,” Father minions insist on despoiling the back catalog with soulless, insipid Trap” and “The Love Bug.” Even worse, they produce live-action remakes of timeless cartoon gems like “The Jungle Book” and “101 Dalmatians.” ryhausen’s stop-motion handiwork. Best of all: No dialogue! Murphy. Unlike the 1967 musical, this ailing Dr. had no songs, no Rex Harrison charm, and noshot at an Academy Award. GIVE YOUR TUB BACK ITS SPARKLE! French farceur par excellence Francis Public Enemy No. 1. Mickey’s remakes of such beloved films as “The Absent-Minded Professor” (retitled “Flubber”), “The Parent Boulevard.” Add a “Chinatown”chaser with Faye Dunawayas the delusional over-the-hill actress and Roman Polanski as her. director-turned-butler. @The way Vince Vaughn swaggered through “Swingers,” he could do a mean Sinatra) in a new “Ocean's Eleven.” Japan’s laughably low-tech 1956 version of the gargantuan reptile any day. @ “Gloria”(1998): Sharon Stone couldn’t fill Gena Rowlands’ pumps (circa 1980) if she wore three pairs of sweatsocks. it comes to remakes, Disney is made a movie abouta boat. @ Thetimeis ripe for a new “Shampoo.” Butinsteadofa hair salon, set it in a tattoo parlor. Billy Bob Thornton succeeds Warren. Beatty as the philandering protagonist who “Godzilla” (1998): If a giant lizard falls in an empty movie the- Neil Simontasted more pungentin an odious “Haunting.” And when whathappened the last time the three ofthem ater, does it make a sound? Give us “The Seven Samurai”), for exam- For every good “Mummy” there’s James Cameron directing. And don’t forget Three Years) @ “Psycho”(1998): Ifthere’s one film that deserved to be left alone forever, it was Hitchcock’s 1960 masterpiece. ple, or “His Girl Friday” (“The Front Page”). Last year’s “The Mummy” with Brendan Fraser wasn't a complete waste, evenif it hadlittle in commonwith the 1932 horrorflick from whichit took its title. But more often than not, remakes (to put it delicately) stink. Stiller as Joey Bishop, and Cuba Gooding Jr. as Sammy Davis Jr. As the token damereplacing AngieDickinson, forgetJulia Roberts — Oscar winner Hilary Swank has already proven her ability to blend in with the boys. As long as dinosaurs are still the rage, whatbetter momentto revive “One Million Years B.C.”? Pamela Andersonis a natural to reprise the role that made Raquel Welch and her fur bikini famous. Opposite the prehis- “Gone in 60 Seconds” has set a low standard for this summer’s remake attempts. But Russo can’t begin to generate the Sometimesit seems the studios wields a needle in lieu of a blow dryer. His new bride, Angelina Jolie, ii has the lush-lipped ; KNIGHT RIDDER NEWS SERVICE 12 Arey 2 LOCATIONS TO ENTER On Everything Rete art the UTAH ARTS FESTIVAL | June 22-25, 2000 at the Fairpark Be one of the 1,000 volunteers that help put on the 24th annual Utah Arts Festival. Clifford & Margaret Call the Hotline: 322-5912 or 60th Wedding Anniversary Jorgenson Celebrate their Married June 14, 1940 in Moroni, Utah; later solemnized in the Manti visit our website: www.uaf.org Temple. They have 3 daughters, 8 gran dchildren and 14 great- 9 grandchildren. A family dinner is Producers love to take the easy ined in their honor. love you Dad & Mom and wish VOLUNTEERS SPONSORED BY: way out. That’s why we see so you many moreyears together. many ham-fisted remakes of wry French farces. We can’t come up with anyfresh ideas of our own, so whynotsteal from the French? As cruel fate would haveit, the very elements we love about French comedies — eccentric characters, subtle nuances, political incorrectness, sophistication — are usually the first to go in the English-language remakes. From “The Toy” through “Three Men and a Baby” to “Fathers’ Day,” not URDAY? one has comeoutbetter in English than in French. Try this game with your friends: Pick a time frame — two years, five years, whatever. List the rotten remakes you have watched during that period. ‘Then try to recall an equal number of praiseworthy remakes within the same period. It can’t be done — unless you expand the time element. We took the challenge and quickly recalled the titles of 10 lousy remakesreleased in the past three years. In order to encompass a like numberof winners, we had to plumbthe dark recesses of our subconscious. Then we asked our friends. Then wee-mailed our colleaguesin othercities. In the end, we had to dig back nearly a quarter-century. And while wefi- nally strung together10titles that had something to recommend them, none of them swung as far toward the positive end of the spectrum as turkeys like “Psycho,” “Godzilla” and “Gloria” did toward the negative. Here’s what we cameup with. 10 Best Remakes (of the Past 22 By Nancy Borgenicht & Allen Nevins ISSIR. The Shangri-Las and The Elvis Tribute TICKETS OW SALE AT ALL SMITHS TX LOCATIONS ORCALL-SOP888-TD0. GATES PENATSP-SHOWSTARTSATAL WOUDIESML SPONSENPATBY pan»he JERRYSEINER JERRVSEINER MARK MILLER Bayon Pat Soe aH Fo Years) M@“Scarface” (1983): Colorful cocaine cowboy Tony Montana (Al Pacino)andhis larger-than-life appetite epitomized the ruthless, greed-driven 1980s. He was as true a product of his time as Paul Mu- Richard Paul Evans’ ni’s psycho gangster was in 1932. @ “Reservoir Dogs” (1992): OK, we're cheating a little. Quentin Tarantino has neverofficially ac- knowledged that he lifted most of the plot of his breakthrough heist flick from Ringo Lam’s 1987 Hong Kongthriller “City on Fire.” Mi “Cape Fear” (1991); Martin Scorsese's dark and suspenseful tale pales next to the creepy 1961 original with Robert Mitchum and Gregory Peck. Butit still gave us OPENSJUNE 28™ thejitters. @ “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1978): Respectably recreated the 1956 sci-fi classic about pod people. @ “Kiss of Death” (1994): Nicolas Cage, in one of his most brilliant performances, reinvented a TICKETS ON SALE Now! GREAT SEATS AVAILABLE! 20 New CABARET TABLES! role made famous by a maniacally sinister Richard Widmark in his 1947 screen debut. @“The Thing” (1962): John Carpenter’s homage to Howard scifi landmark needed more gore to generate fewer thrills, but still did the trick. “The Mummy”(1999): Breezy A-FATHER'S DAY CELEBRATION STARRING KURT BESTOR Narrated by Richard Paul Evans / Choreographed and Directed by Derry! Yeager adventure-comedy has almost nothing in common with its 1982 Boris Karloffnamesake. Capitol Theatre WEDNESDAYS & THURSDAYS AT 7:30 PM FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS AT 8:00 PM SUNDAYS AT 2:00 PM AND 7:00 PM maa qickers: Cabaret Tables $34.50 Theatre Seats $29,50 363-SLA' Group Rates call 363-SLAC BYOP (BringYour Own Pim) 355-ARTS "The Mask of Zorro” (1998). Antonio Banderas and Catherine }) ae aed eekmet ar mioh ma aa Zeta-Jones smirk and swashbuckie |
