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Show East Edition Citizens dnesday. Fe bruary 19, 1997 Page3 Can Michael Jordan beat Babe Ruth at squash? Tony The other day I was hunched over mydesk, working on a col- umn of monumental intellectual significance, likening the ascent Kornheiser sai “OK, boxing match: MikeT: vs. Ivan Lendl so — He paused theatrically, the way George C. Scott might. : * ... but Lendl gets to use his tennis racket.” I hardly bothered to look up. “Fourteen seconds — including the referee counting to 10,” I said. “Tyson suffers a small welt squash! e 64 MCTrebek 65 Judicial work 68 Marathon segment game 8 Feel poorly 9 10 11 12 41 Arad chieftain 46 Red-ink entry 20 Yale student 69 Raison d’ 13 __ Well that 56 impolite 31 Swelilheaded 32 Garden spot Indian 67 Lawyers’ org. hinks was implied by ers’ glances. It'll takea “Look, did anybody die? Because if nobody died, I'd like to watch the ballgame e, “Becauseif he’s got on aftershave, then Tyson lays back against the ropes and smells Brinkley coming at him. Brinkley I think the world would be a lot better off if women engaged in wearing And men’s conversations are vastly different from women’s Can you imagine women doing Berra. But Yogi has a chain saw.” It waslike ringing Pavlov’s bell Every man within earshot immediately stopped what he was do- this? Of course not. Womenare not An example: A woman is at home and her phone rings. It’s her cous- him? “Toro or Black & Decker?” See, men are accustomed to pointless cerebrations involving hypothetical performances by 61 Settled (up) 63 Actor Stephen a manonly really wants to know one thing about what he missed Did anybody get naked? Brinkley drops like a sack of feed, ref he haveto fiddle with it while Tyson's rushing across the ring at 14 Finger-pointer 15 Buckeye State can after- “Is throwsa jab, Tyson gets the scent, fires out a combination, Brinkley “Does Yogi get to fire that sucker up tee the bell, or does pened, and a womanwill start at impatiently, gravely serious “Yogi, the ref stops it on cuts.” 35 Love god 36 ttalian resort 38 Actor Olin woman man no more than 45 seconds to realize that he’s in for 59 more minutes ofthis stuff, and he'll say “OK, Tyson vs. David Brinkley. “David Brinkley?” oe but Tyson is blindfold- into The Washington Post’s main “Tyson, early. Yogi must be 60 34 Final Ff ments whether Babe Ruth could have beaten Michael Jordan.. in newsroom, a ing, and shoutedopinions. —-§ “Rose of 6 Categorize 7 Kasparov's A showandtell you ev- the top and go word for word through the show, even adding shave?” “Why?” years old.” 4 CSA soldier erything that happened, every- 54 igneousrock 58 Generated again span. You'll miss an episode of Law” and ask what hap- on his shoulder. Lendl is face down Ree on the canvas, twitching. Next. ‘OK, OK, Tyson vs. Yogi Berra. But Yogi's got a chain saw.” Hmmm. I stepped out of my office and place, and made a general announcement. “Tyson vs. Yogi 33 Caesars 6 Lasting impression 10 Spanish house h a TV athletes. They use sports as a way of avoiding real conversation. I myself have had passionate argu- dustrial decline of structuralism in the visual arts, when suddenly 3 Onenme Exceptfor sports, men have no my friend Gino walked in and counts to 10. Less than minute.” idiots, Take the average weekend. A woman will putter around the garden. She'll go grocery shopping, making sure to buy meals that are nutritionally balanced the samekindofstupid hypothetifront of the TV, watching anything with a half time. in’s first wife’s former au pair Theytalk for more than an hour about relatives, kids, death, the cal arguments as men — even if they’re not about sports, as long as they're some idiotic comparison. involving, say, relationships. Someday | want to hear women 50 at sea 16 Pitcher Hershiser 17 Rifle tubes 19 Mill product Chrysler cars Gangsters gat Deal (with) Neighborhood Char Tra 37 Pilter 2 Comic Poundstone 44 Genesis land 45 Oklahoma city 47 Lodgings fat ie = i] i T 7 a) Ss tf her IQin half and pound himinto sand. Streep and Bill Hurt far | Too much woman. Hurt goes ft 5 mi | a Streepas a Daneor an Austra- co brother! The mansays, “Hey, how ya doing? Look I got theba on. But as long as I’ve got you on the phone, lemmeask you something: Honestly, who do you country, and she gets to run over oe ‘ | Who? (CREATORS SYNOICATE©1998 STANLEYNEWMAN a Geena Davis. and she’s driving cross- think’s a better bowler — Lou Gehrig or Chris Evert? “OK, OK, John McLaughlin but he’s got a chain saw Historian Harriet Horne Arrington will share a glimpse into the life of Alice Merrill Horne, an art promoter and early Utah leg- Council Meetings: The IndependentAssociation of Community Councils (IACC) is fer 7 Br fair as a wayof instilling a respect for the dignity of indigenous people. She'll finish writing her one person and get away with it }i s 7 lian? Forget Meryl Streep. novel. Bengal soldier Zany Prods Criminal fire fo at faye ba to Now. saythe same thing happens toa man. The phone rings. It’s his This is how your average man spends his weekend: Burping in 49 51 53 85 99 Islands off Sicily 40 Ammonia i 7 derivative a > eB. 42 Conducted 43 Attempted fe | and contain the requisite amounts of fiber and “good” cholesterol. She'll take the childrento a crafts namesakes 21 __MakeaDeal 70 Scrubamission EndsWell glances 22 Eamsatter 71 Favorites 18 Alarmbutton 57 Succulent tax 72 Betsy or Diana 23 Director Sidney 58 Exitway 59 Author Wiesel 24 Girs 73 Border flower 25 Practices jabs 28 Reconnoiter 27 Acknowiedg60 Sash st 28 Uriah of fiction DOWN ment 62 Wargod 30 Erases 1 Heavenly being 29 Most wan 65 Wester Get outta here She could cut erying home to mamain twodays. Streep and Sean Connery phone feeling closer than ever. 1 To the left, ‘OK, Meryl Streep and Bruce Willis, lives. The women get off the ACROSS say high cost of housing and the most intimate details of their personal Lubbers Edited by Stanley Newman 48 Garden tools attention of muiticulturalism to the postin- BAGGAGE RACK by Bob Ee beLes) T er # ry Cio pt L Answers on Page 4 Community Calendar Continued from Page 3 Centerville Dental Clinic, Thursday, 7-9 p.m. Calvin Smith Library, Satur- day, 10:15 a.m.-12:15 p.m. Sottonwood Hospital, Saturday, 2-4 p.m. Information call 268-2402 or 298-3000. ® Bereavement Support: Living With Grief, an 8-week class, begins Thursdays, 7-8:30 p.m. at First Presbyterian Church, C Street and South Temple, SLC. No fee, donations accepted. For schedules and other information, call Betsy at 299- 3935or 1-800 390-2778 outside SLC. © Pops Concert: The Davis High School Pops concert, featuring the Wind En- semble and Symphonic Bands, witl be held in the Davis High Au- shows, or visit www.utah.edu- /Planetarium. @ Women’s Bible Study Group: Mount Tabor Lutheran Church is beginning a new women’s Bible study group called Deborah Circle. Women of all ages invited; meeting held on the fourth Tuesday of each month. Call the church office at 328-0521 for information and thelocation of the meeting. © Host ExchangeStudents: The American Intercultural Student Exchange (AISE) is seeking local host families for high school foreign exchange students for 97-98 school year. Informa- tion call AISE at 1-800-742-5464 or visit www.sibling.org. © Are you co-dependent? Do you find yourself taking care of everyone and neglecting yourself? Do you alter what you sayor do to make people like you? ditorium tonight at 7:30 p.m. Selections will include George Gershwin’s “An American In Paris’ and a medly from “Porgy and Bess.” tions, you may be c There are three meetings a week of Co-Dependents Anonymous in © Vertical Jungle: Teacher Will Hair will present a slide show of exciting pictures 359-HEAL. © Teen Pregnancy Program: of his adventurein the Amazon on If you can relate to these ques- Help! Mommy! is a pregnancy parenting skills, methods, education and more Free to all males and females 13 new, on-going weekly men’s Bible more information, call 973-6654 @ Salt Lake Community Education: © Skyline on Parade: OnFeb. 25, 5:30-8:30 p.m., Skyline High School will host an event that will feature registra- tion information for incoming sophomores and newstudents, displays, demonstrations, performances and dinner. Tickes are $3.50 in advance, $3.75 at the door, teach Holy Cross Hospital) Mobile Mammography Unitwill beoffering screening mammograms at lo- cations in Salt Lake, Davis and Utah Counties. Our serviceis convenient, low-cost ($75) and ACR accredited. FREE mammograms available for those who meet income guidelines. The unit is staffed by professional women ruary, “The Sky Tonight,"’ which ning’s sky, and “FromOut of the Darkness,” thestory behind com- ets, Double feature rates are available, and the planetarium, 15 South State, SLC, will also present several of its popular laser shows, Information call 538-2104 for star shows, 363-0559 for laser day of every month, 7 p.m. at the start the first week of March. Cost C.0.P. Building, 2235 South Main Street. SLC @ Young Adult Arthritis Sup- dren. Pre-registration required Information, registration call port Group: 582-6019. Education and Support Group, The Young Adult Arthritis Pet of the Week Citizens Published as supplement to TheSalt Lake Tribune and Deseret | Newsby the Newspaper Agency Corporation, 135 South Main Street, Salt Lake City, UT 84111 | The opinions expressedbythe writers in Citizens do not necessarily reflect the editorial views of The Salt Lake Tribune or Deseret News. address aboveor send an E-mail to citizens@NACorp.com Columns on computerdisk are preferred, but not required A free writer’s guideis available on request Managing Editor; Kent Condon Editor: Deborah Moeller To subscribe to The Tribune or News, phone 237-2900 Forinformation on advertising, phone (801) 237-2815 (ERININIG? opment to recreation to foreign language. Brochures containing complete courselistings are avail- able at the Salt Lake Community Education main office at 440 E. 100 South, rm. 211. Questions/information call 578-8236 or 5789) © Stop Smoking: FURNITURE Photography by James Lindsayis a 4-month-old English Cocker Spaniel. She's affection- The American Lung Associa- ate, good with childrenandactive. She'll be perfect with children around to pamper her and Mom andDad to train her. Her spay fee tion with remainder payable evening of class. Information call 484-4456, © Linda Lee Foster Exhibit: watercolor paintings of Linda LeeFoster will be on disat the Kimball Art Center, March 4. Information call 6498882 55 Alive Mature Driver Program from AARP: AARP’s 55 Alive maturedriv- ing cla are being offered to drivers over 50, It is a classroom refresher course with updates on safety and emergencysituations. Those aged 55 and over may be eligible for reduced auto insur- ance upon completion. Cost $8. Students from the former Soviet Union, France, Denmark, Brazil, Bulgaria, Japan, Spain, Albania, Germany, Poland, and many other countries are currently seeking caring host families for the '97-98 school year. Thesestu- dents come fully insured bring their own spending mo: Informationcall Rick or La and e at 250-2302 © Sesquicentennial Brown Bag Lecture Beautiful aud Authentic Butterfield tion is holding their next Hypnosis Clinie Feb, 20, 6-8 p.m. Cost $55, requires a $15 pre-registra- The Continued on Page 4 | | Your submissions to Citizens (columns, cartoons,letters or calendar announcements) are welcome. To contact Citizens, phone (801) 237-2716,fax to (801) 237-2519, mail your commentsto the | grams are scheduled to meet the needs of busy families. Several hundred offerings in subjects ranging from professional devel- @ Host an ExchangeStudent; foatures a display of that eve- dren). Classes, which are taught by native French speakers, are held at local libraries, and will Speakers will discuss MS, treat- ® “Newly Diagnosed” Seminar Short workshops, quarter long Call AARPat 561-1037 for more information. The Hansen Planetariumwill sclerosis in the past two years. Free. Information call the Arthritis Foundation at 536-0990 classes, weekend seminars, morning, afternoon and evening pro- © Star Shows at the Planetarjun have two star shows during Feb- State, rm. S-2019(south building) to 20. Free layettes are provided on completion of the course. For For location information andoth- er questions call 350-4000 to attend a meeting for one of the councils or the IACC, call 4849603 for meeting dates and locations. IACC meetsthefirst Tues- is $130 for adults, $100 for chil Free seminar for anyone who has been diagnosed with multiple munity councils. If you would like L’Alliance Francaise is spon- for Multiple Sclerosis: meet on Feb, 19,7 p.m. atthe Salt Lake County Complex, 2001 S. Southgate and Wandamere com- all ages and levels (including chil- soring 10-week Frenchclasses for designed for adults 20-40, will coping 638 Park Ave., Park City, through ® Mobile Mammography Unit: It Lake Regional (formerly Place, Centerof Industry, Central Park, Madison, Millstream pre- serve a place,call 467-5911 © Men’s Bible Study: Do youfeel like you've make a shipwreck of your life? Join a SLC. Course will last for eight weeksandstarts tonight, 7-9 p.m. Information call 263-0222. representatives from Burton I'm Going to Be a paredness course designed to © Beginning Bridge: Free beginning bridge lessons are being offered at the Bridge Center, 3838 S$. West Temple, © Learn to Speak French: South Sali Lake is composed of the SLC area. Information call Feb. 20, 7 p.m. at Realms of Inquiry, 1140 S. 900 East. To re- study at the Amber Restaurant, 4639 S. 900 East, every Tuesday at 6:30 a.m. for a “Dutch treat” breakfast, Information call Mike McCloskey at 266-7624 or Kenny Wiggins at 277-9412. @ AARP Midvalley Meeting: The AARP Midvalley Chapter is holding a meeting March 6, 7 p.m. at the Midvale City Hall, Center Street, Midvale. New members welcome. Refreshments and entertainment provided. islator in a brown bag lunch lec- ture Feb. 20, noon at the White Memorial Chapel, 150 E. 300 North, SLC. Information call 5333545, South Salt Lake Community is $45 and heradoptionfeeis Services, 511 W. 3900 S. 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