Show W ie Collie a Fount aunt Of Perennial Fun ILLIE Collier now playing In WILLIE W New York fully ull justified his title to the name of humor humorIst the tho other da day In the course ot of the following dialogue with witha a New York Herald reporter Hello Is this Mr r Collier I 1 think so Walt Fait a minute and Ill make sure Ill as m my manager Yes Im mI me Hello Sheriff how are you Tills the Tills Is the tho Herald Be Beg your our pardon Mr Herald Force of habit Just got back from irom the one night stands Expect tho sheriff whenever the telephone rings on the road Like the audiences we weare c care are always prepared for the worst Hows your circulation toda today Never better Will VIII you ou say a something some something thing about aboul the critics for Sunday Sunda 1 dont think Sunday would be an day to print what Id say my about them Anyway I wont discuss theta them over oer th the telephone Im afraid ot of having hating It taken out Come up and see me and Ill III tell you ou a lot of oC mean things about them Where here are arc you ou no noAt now At the Hudson theater How long are arc you OU going to be bethere bethere there 1 That depends on the public publico No o fooling Cooling Bill You know what I mean How Host long will you ou be there tills afternoon 1 Ill be hele all da day unless m my shirt comes back from Crom the laundry laundr Ill die if IC I dont get this loose talk out of m my system Hurr Hurry up like a good fellow and save savo m my life You know where the tho Hudson Is dont you ou After you ou leave the office walk up Broadway If Ie you have hae any mone money oud better run And keep In the middle of oC the street When you reach rench Fort fourth street turn to your our right The Hudson Is one theater two manicure table and half a dozen boarding boardinghouses boardinghouses houses east cast of oC Broadway Stop at the pay pa shant shanty and ask for me You cant make an any or the they wont rectify It after you ou leave the window Get all your our change because well probably need It WALKING LODGE OF SORROW Fifteen minutes after telephone tattle 11 Collier was found In his dressing room at the Hudson theater where he has hitched his ute wit to A Luck Lucky Star for the pur purpose po pose e of displaying his advance spring styles In rapid fire repartee In view of his airy persiflage on the tho wire one would expect to find him laughing himself to death but lie he His face was as long as a through ticket to the Philippines Next to his ity as a Mr 1 Collier Is famed f for l his solemn expression No one Iras has ocr ever caught him him laughing as far as tho records show Ho Hes a walking lodge ledge ot of sorro sorrow On this occaSion the corners of Ills his mouth were wele drawn down and tied In a neat bow under his chin An undertaker who had just been underbid b by n a rival have been moro more dejected Now that heat we are alone said Mid Mr lr Collier with a I touch ot of pathos In his voice I want to apologize to you ou for form formy m my part parl In that telephone conversa conversation tion You dont need to apologize It sounded very velY funny mighty good of you old man but I want meant to explain m my unfortunate unfortunate position I 1 would 1101 e lured ed edtl tl to talk to you ou like a regular human erson but I dare My repute as a funn funny man was at stake Can you ou imagine the ordeal of trying to live up to such a reputation The comedian bowed his head In de despair despair and turned loose n a groan that seemed to come from fron the basemen of oC his socks He wrung his hands handl In ag agI agonized fashion but recovered sum I clent to ring a bell and order damp refreshments Is it as bad as that he was asked askel No one will ever know the suffer sufferIng suffering Ing m my reputation leas has caused me How I envy other men who can carry carryon on a I little chat without being expected to drape their remarks with jokes why I am compelled to do a monologue on the telephone Every Everybody bod body expects It of oC me Had I just used the ordinary conversation tiro tho telephone girl would turn to her friends s sand and say that I was going back You have been half so eager to interview w me If I tried to brighten up our talk MUST USI rAKE fAIE THE WAITER LAUGH But I thought you ou liked to joke I do for fOl a living but m my friends wont let It go at that They Insist that I say funn funny things on ever every occa occasion occasion sion and It if I dont heaven help me It would be nil all right If I could get Ket union hours for the wit wll I am credited with having but theros theres no hope for an any anything thing like that When hen youre oure through with your our work you ou go home and for forget get It Not so me Ive got to joke twice as hard hartl after I leave the theater or Im a L goner I cant rest for a second Ive Ie got to keep ahead of oC the game all the time You appear to have succeeded But think of the frightful strain After other actors have killed half a dozen people or have hao saved the hero helo heloIne Inc Ine from the tho villains clutches an and paid the mortgage on the old farm their work Is done I go to m my dressing room nd on the wa way Im expected to break off a 11 new wheeze for tor the benefit of oC the tho company and the stage hands I Igo Igo go to a club or restaurant and the theman man nian who waits walts on en me starts laughing right oft off the thc reel I got the heart to disappoint him so I lose m my appetite tr trying ln to produce a 1 joke jok My I reputation Is saved laved but m my digestion has received another upper cut At home Its just as bad The Tho folks wake up when I come In and cant keep asleep unless I feed them Ulem a little nocturnal nonsense Then I go 10 to bed and lie awake all night trying to think of extemporaneous for tile next day It Is a downright shame to make malco such a fool out of the bed And Its a perfectly good bed too But joking seems to agree with you ou You look fIne Ive Ie got to look fine Ive Ie tried be bc being in ing ill once or twice and everybody gave SIe me the laugh Why Vh Id have to tobe tobe be dead at least four foul da days before then tho would believe I 1 was iii I go to zee m my dentist and he expects me to amu amuse e him while he Is excavating a molar whose root moot Is Just this side of my ankle ankie I was driven from barber barbel shops long ICIng ago because you ou cant refuse to tell tella a man a joke when lie he ma may resent It by performing an autopsy on you ou Be Believe Believe lieve Master While that the man who starts out to be a humorist Is never nevel going to get an any rest ACTOR BE REME It Il will all come out rIght In the end endIe If Ie you mean the upper end said Mr 1 Collier surveying his hall hair In the glass It Is nearl nearly nil all out now I ap the fact act that m my audiences seem to like m my work but the they have no Idea or of the wa way I 1 labor to please them And Ive got to keep getting better till II the time The worst blow an actor cnn can get Is to hear some one say sayI el elI I think he Is er good In this thill but i remember him In ill so and so The mino ute uto the they start remembering you In something else Its time to a 11 room In n the storehouse for your our pro production And another thing Dont run awa away with the tho impression that eer everything I sa say Is spontaneous lion oo t toC of oC m my laughs are built buill up I try then them eer every wa way In order to get the best reo re suits |