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Show FROM THE CHEAP SEATS iraffS Patrick Bryson parasites Sports Editor a major the a baseball watched scout league work skinny, pitcher a minor league game. The scout sent an appraisal of the pitcher to his front office. He couldn't get a good sandlot team out, the scout scoffed. The Brooklyn Dodgers signed the pitcher anyway. He went on to win one National League MVP award, and three Cy Young Awards, besides pitching four nohitters during his career. He led the National League in strikeouts four times, had seasons of 27 wins and 26 wins, and ended his playing days with 2,396 strikeouts. Today he's in the Baseball Hall of Fame at Cooperstown, N. Y. His name was Sandy Koufax, to perhaps the greatest ever play. Koufax isn't the only athlete to be ripped by scouts. The Dodgers didn't sign Willie Mays because a scout said He cant hit the curve ball. In mid-195- left-hand- back-to-ba- left-hand- er well-meani- ck aurndl TTy Pemeir's tFioteire Ted Williams was ridiculed by a scout who wrote He couldn't hit a midget's weight in a bathing suit. Football scouts are no better than their baseball cousins. Coming out of Notre Dame, Joe Montana had a weak and ratic arm. er- Joe Theisman and Warren Moon were too small. Bart Starr, drafted in the 15th round by the Packers, was too small and had a weak arm. Kenny Stabler was too skinny and also suffered from a weak, erratic arm. Scouts are saying the same Patrick Bryson things about Ty Detmer, the BYU Heisman Trophy winner who, You know who the draft exmost think, won't be among the first 15 quarterbacks taken in the perts are those people who NFL draft. make a living selling books and Detmer is too short, too skinny, magazine articles predicting the has a weak arm, doesn't run well, NFL draft. On draft day these lacks a quick release and proba- dreadfully dull people sit around bly has drip for all we on ESPN and talk about which know. teams will select which players, as though discussing the ramificathe negative appraisals. Forget The scouts can't predict anytion of starvation in the Third exthe and draft World, or the aftermath of nuclear thing less. know war. even perts post-nas- al These people are the crown princes of nonsense, the O.P.E.C. of useless information. The fact is that nobody knows who will succeed and who will fail. The draft commentator's expertise is an intellectual mirage, sound and fury signifying nothing. Height, arm strength, mobility, quick relase are only characteristics used in forming a theory. It's a way to sell magazines for the draft parasites, and scouts use them for lack of any other measuring method. Those criteria have never been good in measuring ultimate success. Were the scouts and experts always right, the Hall of Fame wouldn't have names like Unitas or Starr. The hall would be full of people named Terry Baker, Jack Concannon, and Jerry Rhome. Were the scouts always right, the greatest quarterback of the 1980s wouldn't be named Joe Montana. He would be Guy Benjamin, Art Schlichter, or Mark Herrmann. Ultimate success for Detmer depends on several, unmeasurable sets of circumstances. 1. Will the offense suit abilities? The 49er offense was as much a boost to Montana's career as anything he did himself. 2. How patient will the team be with Detmer? Will they give him a realistic chance to play after he's endured a reasonable learning process? On the other hand, will they rush him too quickly? Or will they ignore him? 3. How badly does Detmer want to succeed? This is the biggest question. You can measure arm strength and speed, but you Det-mer- can't measure 's heart, determination. I can't guarantee that Detmer will succeed in the NFL, but I can't guarantee that he won't and neither can anybody else. Detmer's future won't be determined by the mental wanderings of scouts or wisdom of featherbrained draft experts. Determination and a little luck will steer Ty's future. Its the same process of career navigation used by Koufax, Mays and Montana. DOWN HOME The Brightest in LDS Entertainment is coming this week! People, Places & Products Michael McLean, The Osmonds, Orson Scott Card, Wally Joyner, Lex de Azevedo, Janice Kapp Perry, Senator Orrin Hatch, Kenneth Cope, O Gerald Lund, and Many, Many others!! tor Call now to subscribe and receive your free Embryo Music Tape including 99 minutes of the best in LDS music, a $9.98 value FREE! i 8 1 465-933- 5 1 Learn about people in LDS Entertainment, read reviews on new music, books, videos and tapes, and be entertained by our articles, poetry, short stories and art. Stainment Magazine Sleepers and non-sleepe- rs D When mom and dad are ready for bed, junior is ready for play. Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard HomeFamih Editor Soothing that little bundle to sleep has forced exhausted parents into bizarre behavior for thousands of years, all in the name of the dreaded baby eyeball. Is she asleep yet? burned-ou- t father whispers to frazzled mother as he waltzes across the living room with baby one more time. I can't see her eyes. They're rolling, pooped bedroom floor at 2:06 a.m. mother whispers back. Eyelids at half mast and lowering fast. Hang in there. I think you've almost got her. All worn-ou- t parents know babies come in two categories. 1) sleepers and 2) Sleepers are the ones who purr on your shoulder at church, nod off in their car seats, doze on the handlebars at the grocery store and snooze all night in their cribs. on the other hand, howl at church, dismantle their car seats with a screw driver hidden in their diapers, pitch every breakable object on the floor at the grocery store and play I'm Awake Again! all night in their non-sleeper- Non-sleeper- Janene Baadsgaard s. s, cribs. have Parents of been known to crawl across the in slow motion after the final flutter of eyelids mumbling a prayer. are Siblings of frequently told things like, I have been up with that baby all night and if you make even the slightest sound and wake her, I will personally see to it that you are shot at sun down. love to fake drowsiness while their parents pat them on the back and make sounds. If soothing e parents break the slow to or down pattern by trying ima will skip pat, mediately zap open their eyelids, stare at the bewildered parent then totally disintegrate into sobs. non-sleep- er non-sleepe- rs Non-sleepe- rs There-Ther- non-sleepe- rs non-sleepe- rs see SLEEP pg. 3 |