OCR Text |
Show Sunday. November because Congress passes a stupid l$w, that is no excuse for awwwggh." Unfortunately, Justice Frankfurter died at that point, but most legal scholars believe he intended to finish his sentence by 6aying "... that is no excise for people to go up to Cfeftada and buy working THE MIAMI HERALD W S J toi-lef- Yet that is exactly what is happening. The Contractor article quotes a Canadian plumbing wholesaler as follows: "We've definitely seen an increase in the sales of toilets. The people who buy ;them are mostly from the States. They tell us outright they're Americans who came here to buy them." Dave Barry "STEP ONE: Before inflatlets were banned by Congress ing Passionate Pam, be sure to in 1992 under the Energy t Policy and Conservation Act, smear plenty of. ..." Whoops! Wrong document! F which decreed that henceforth U.S. citizens had to buy meant to quote from an article in the July 1998, issue of toilets, which would conContractor magazine, which serve a lot" of water if they was sent to me by alert reader worked, which unfortunately Steve Hill. The article, written most of them don't, the result by Rob Heselbarth, begins: being that U.S. citizens now "WINDSOR, ONTARIO spend more time flushing their toilets than on all other forms Americans are crossing the of exercise combined. Canadian border near Detroit But that is not the point. The to purchase n n ; toilets." gal n The article quotes officials of both the Department of Energy and the Environmental "' Protection Agency as stating that it is illegal to bring these toilets into the U S. But it also quotes a Customs Service official as saying that Customs makes NO EFFORT to confiscate the toilets. "As long as they tell us they have them," the official said, "it makes no difference to us." toilets point is that are the law of the land, and as the late Supreme Court Justice n That is correct: Canada has become a major supplier of illetoilets. These toi- - Felix llah - Page C I Ifs time to dec! are war over illegal toilets Barry says I say it's time our "leaders" in Washington stopped blathering about sex1' and started paying attention to the issues that really MATTER to this nation, such as whether we should declare war on Canada. I say: yes. I base this position on a shocking document that I have obtained via a conduit that I will identify here, for reasons of confidentiality, only as 'The U.S. Postal Service." Here is a direct quote from this document: I. IWK, Till: DAILY III RAI D. Proui. Frankfurter stated: "Just In other words, people can simply waltz across our borders with illegal toilets supplied by ruthless Canadian toilet cartels headed by greed-crazeCanadian toilet kingpins who will stop at nothing to push their illicit wares on our vulnerable society. If you are a parent, consider this chilling scenario: Your child is attending a party, when another youngster a "bad approaches and says, apple" "Psst! Wanna try a Canadian toilet? All the other kids are doing it!" The next thing you know, your child is acting furtive and sneaking off to a "bad part of town" whenever nature calls. Your child is HOOKED. d n Perhaps your parental reaction is: "My little Tommy would NEVER do a thing like that!" Well, let me ask you a couple of questions: Do you fully comprehend the power of peer pressure? Are you aware that your child is not named "Tommy"? Did you realize that "peer pressure" was a toilet-relatepun? If you answered "yes" or "no," d WORKING TOILETS and your EXCESSIVE DEER DOOTS, which bv the wav would be an EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND." t Some other advantages of declaring war on Canada are (1) It's one of the few foreign nations that average U.S. citizens even; possibly the CIA can locate on; a map; and ) professional ice J hockey would be canceled. There's virtually no downside! So I ; urge you to call your elected representatives TODAY and tell ; them, in no uncertain terms: "1 ; am strongly in favor, although don't ask me of what." Also let them know that we. the people, don't want to hear another word about this Washington sex scan- dal. Or, if we HAVE to hear more, how about some new episodes? Speaking of which, I have to go: Passionate Pam has sprung a leak. ,v. then maybe you are beginning to see why we, as a nation, need to send a clear message to the Canadians, in the form of either a sternly worded letter or a nuclear strike. Strong words, you say? Perhaps you will change your mind when you hear what ELSE Canada is exporting. I refer to an article sent in by alert reader Joe Kovanda from the June 1998, issue of Farm Times, reporting that Canada's foreign trading partners were complaining that shipments of Canadian feed barley contained excessive amounts of get ready deer excrement. The headline for this article, which I am not making up, states: "DEER MANURE IN BARLEY MIFFS JAPANESE." So there is little doubt that the entire world, or at least Japanese barley purchasers, would stand with us if we put a stop to Canada's criminal reign of terror; if we finally stood up to Canada and said: "Listen, Maple Breath, we are FED UP with your efforts to DESTROY OUR WAY OF LIFE with your LARGE, , ; ,. Dave Barry is a for the Mitt mi Herald. Write to him co 'lYopic Magazine, ITxe Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132. humor-columnis- . t . Police keep donuts as burglary evidence after gas station is robbed HILTON HEAD ISLAND, A box of donuts S.C. (AP) proved to be more than a police officer's snack. It turned into a j clue that may have helped authorities solve a string of burglaries. When burglars broke into a service station early Monday, they moved a box of Krispy Kreme donuts that had been delivered to the doorstep. That tipped deputies that the burglary happened after the donut man made his rounds, said sheriff's Sgt. David Randall. The delivery man, found an hour later on his route, remembered seeing three men in a black truck parked along the road when he dropped the donuts at around 1 a.m. Three hours later, an alarm went off at Island Gold Works and a deputy spotted the truck. Three men were arrested. They are also suspected in other area burglaries. ODDS & ENDS on and the porches," Councilman Sam Tarr said. "We wanted them to be American and Virginia and we the overlooked just Flag banned Confederate flag." Angela Denson, executive director of the Warronton Chamber of Commerce, learned of the problem when she from a received an California man who said he was sorry to hear the town had banned the Confederate flag. Tarr said the ordinance will be fixed at the council's Nov. 10 meeting. Mosby, who died in 1916, was a cavalry colonel whose raids on WARRENTON, Va. (AP) -Town officials have accidentally banned the Confederate flag at a Civil War cemetery where a Confederate war hero is buried. Town Council members said this month's ordinance was intended to bar fake flowers and patio-typflags at the historic graveyard, where John S. e Mosby lies. didn't want the flags like you see flying on houses "We SAFETY AND INVESTMENT are not Take our High Balance Savings Account .. ' asn example. Union bases and camps were so effective that parts of northern Virginia became known as "Mosby's Confederacy." Bob Brown, a member of the Sons of the Confederate Veterans, said any attempt to ban the flag is an affront to American history. "I am proud of the contribution my ancestors made to America," Brown said. "We Southerners deserve the right to honor our ancestors just like everyone else, and we insist on it." Green leaf thief loose COLUMBUS, Ga. (AP) -P- olice are trying to find a plant lover whose thumb is more contradictions in it's sticky, too. than green At least six homeowners in Columbus' historic district have had plants stolen from their yards, said Craig Strain, a board member of the Historic District Preservation Society. "It seems like somebody has a horticultural fetish," he said. "It's very, very frustrating." Strain said the thief usually goes after "ferns or tree-likthings or philodendrons." Residents say the thief has walked past more expensive items, like lawn furniture, when taking the plants. And sometimes, the thief leaves behind candy or trinkets as a sort of trade. e Dreadlocks refused ' N.C. GARNER. (AP) Michelle Barskile wanted to let her hair down at the Alpha Kappa Alpha debutante ball. The sorority said her locks weren't up to its standards. The AKA's Garner chapter its to Barskile invited November ball, with one condition: She had to wear her dreadlocks secured up on her head instead of down as she normally wears them. The Garner High School; honor student refused. ; "This thing is ridiculous, real-- ; ly. I've been disappointed. I'd just like to get an apology, and maybe; reimbursed for this dress," Miss; Barskile said of her $500 gown. terms. One of the few savings accounts that offers you a higher rate of return than most bank money market accounts. Plus, as your balance increases, so does your yield. And because it's available at Bank One, you also get full FDIC i protectionjand the ability to access your money any time without penalty. - ! i - it?V JV'X - So come talk with us soon. Unless, of course, you're afraid of heights. lis tiuM mm !tt$b timtmw wtutfr imw CO' kiilf i' ijrtfat i) tell f,(trf,lWte )jti- V til I ) ' f'tfff f BMSKsONE. - cn nan TO OPEN, 8TOP BY OR CAIXi PERSONAL ACCOUNTS BUSINESS ACCOUNTS Viiif our Web site at www.bankone.com Member FDIC AiKtilnhlr at Bank One, Utah, A iocaiiont. Minimum deposit to oien n Hivh Balance Savings accvunt tf SIO.000 and a Hnnk One Business High Balanct Savings account is SI 00. Interest mies art variable and determined daily at Bank Onr't discrriion. limit dftnsitt in this account to The current Annual Percentage Yield (APY) for balances of SI 0,000 up to t2S,000 1$ 4.09. The current Annual Percentage Yield (APY)for balances under ilO.OOO Is 2 53. Fees could reduce earnings. Bank One reserves the right to . $1,000,000 per customer. Brokered deposits may not be accepted. , |