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Show You can encourage a child to think for himself by allowing him to choose his own friends A Child's ' fip, ftp ' k. . Teach Youar Child to Decide If he never gets a chance to make a choice as a youth, how can he ever exercise good judgment as an adult? D. WEITZ, Ph.D. By ROBERT Former Chief Psychologist, as told to Lester David Consulting psychologist; U. S. Public Health Service, Midwestern Medical Center, St. Louis a re your child Good manners? How to swim? Excellent But are you ignoring another lesson the most crucial one? YOU TEACHING obedi-fTLenc- e? Are you forgetting to teach your child how to make up his mind? The ability to decide to make a choice and stick to it is one of the foundation stones of an individual's personality structure. Without it, he may be severely handicapped in later life. As a practicing psychologist for many years, I have seen these crippling effects over and over in my office. Let me give you an actual case, changing only the names: At 36, Robert Thompson works as an accountant. He is an intelligent but thoroughly insecure man, with little confidence in his ability to make a choice more significant than what to order for dinner in a restaurant. Even then he has trouble making up his mind! Robert expects his wife to solve nearly all their problems. It was she who had to decide whether to buy a house, for example. Delving into his background revealed these facts: At seven, Robert couldn't decide whether he wanted to play with Henry or Jimmy. He asked his mother, who made the choice for him. At 10, he didn't know which pair of slacks he wanted to wear to a party. His mother told him to put on the ones that she preferred. At 18, he couldn't make up his mind about working during summer vacation or taking a trip. His father decided. Small wonder that, at 36, Robert now looks to his wife to tell him what to do. There are too many Roberts around today and just as many Robertas. These are the people who limp through life tortured by their own indecisions. More than likely, they stand on the side lines while more confident, though perhaps less talented, individuals move ahead of them in business and social life. We, as parents, can prevent these near-tragconsequences by permitting our children to grow up emotionally. We do this by giving them the freedom to solve their own problems. How, specifically, do we do this? The answer i8 by refusing to make decisions for them. Now should you cut yourself off entirely, letting a child sink or swim? Of course not. An essential part of building security consists in strengthening a youngster's belief that you are always on his side. Therefore, the tricky part of this training lies in understanding when to let a child decide for himself and when to offer help. Here are some of the major areas where decisions must be made and my suggestions on the role parents ought to play: COVER: Doris Pinney captures a young charmer and her Easter bunny. On Billy Graham shares the most inspiring moment of his life in p. U, "The Preacher Nobody Wanted ic Family W&&JcIy Friends In general, let him choose his own. A parent should step in only if a growing child associates with extreme types, such as truly wayward youngsters heading for trouble. A parent can help improve a child's social relationships by encouraging athletics or suggesting he bring friends home. But if you go beyond that, a child is apt to doubt his own judgment. His Clothing Too many mothers still lay out a youngster's clothes long after he or she has entered the teens. The decision about what to wear should be largely the child's, starting as early as the first grade or earlier, where maturity indicates. Interference is called for only in extremes if a youngster wears open shoes on a cold day or if clothing is tastelessly short or tight. Here In the question is one of health and these cases, a parent's interference is not a decision made for the child but a firm order. A Youngster's Homework Never nag a child to do his homework! The more you urge, the less need he has to develop mechanism. Even let him go to a school unprepared and take the consequences. Most youngsters will see the light and make up their own minds to get to work. To help a youngster get going, parents can set up an activity time at home, an hour or two when he is expected to work. Friends, television, and other entertainments are out during this period. If homework neglect persists, a talk with guidance officials at school may be useful. Problems Every child faces problems almost daily, and he should handle most of them himself. Marcia came home tearOne day, ful and told her mother she had had a fight with her best friend. Mother offered advice. She even called the friend, invited her over for cookies, and acted as mediator. As a result, Marcia learned nothing about handling a social situation. What should her mother have done? Heard Marcia's story, of course. But to the plea, "What should I do, Mommy?" her answer might better s have been : "I have confidence that you can take care of this all by yourself. Now tell me what do you think you ought to do?" Suppose your child makes a wrong decision? Next time he'll do better. He will have learned the hard way and the best way. The rule of "extremes" holds here, too: interfere only in problems where serious consequences may be involved or judgments are not the kind a child can be expected to make. For example, you couldn't ask a girl of 12 to choose her own doctor for a special condition. All I have said simmers down to this : Every youngster wants to stand alone. Nurture this "I can do it" feeling. In short make up your mind to let your child make up his self-respe- ct. self-start- er 10-year-- old March 29, LEONARD S. DAVIDOW President and Publisher WALTER C. DREYFUS Associate Publisher PATRICK E. O'ROURKE Executive Vice President ERNEST and Advertising Director V. HEYN Editor-in-Chi- ef BEN KARTMAN Executive Editor ROBERT FITZGIBBON Managing Editor Art Director Editor WILLIAM V. HUSSEY PHILLIP DYKSTRA MORTON FRANK MELANIE DE PROFT Food Advertising Manager Vice President, Publisher Relation Advertising office: 179 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, III. 60601 Editorial office: 60 E. 56th St., New York, N.Y. 10022 Business office: 1727 S. Indiana Ave., Chicago, III. 60616 Rosalyn Abrevaya, Arden Eidell, Hal London, Jack Ryan; Peer J. Oppenheimer, Hollywood. 1964, PROCESSING AND BOOKS, INC., Chicago, III. All rights reserved. |