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Show 86 D A I The red flag of Y MISS MANNERS DEAR boyfriend I have recently hit a bit of a rough patchNothing vvery dramatic has occurred, but we're both very busy at the moment and living in separate cities, so I asked him for a bit of a "break." The idea behind it being that we wouldn't see each other for a month or two, but we would stay in contact and after some time apart, and potentially going on a few dates, we could decide whether or not we want to be together in the long run. I was hoping you could help me in figuring out how to talk about our situation with friends, both close and casual. When people ask me how my boyfriend is, which they usually do as we've been together for four years and usually socialize as a couple, I'm not sure how to react. If I tell them that we are on a little break they always seem to express rather remorse, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. If I go on to tell them that I seeing guy for the last six weeks. He is funny, smart, attentive and mostly considerate. There is orie.s-sue- . He continually reveals a good deal more personal information than 1 am comfortable hearing at this stage of our relationship. This information includes very personal family history and details of his psychological issues (past, not present). 1 politely indicated that I was not yet comfortable with this level of emotional intimacy. As the conversations continued, I was more direct in explaining that 1 would prefer to wait until we knew one unother better. This weekend he brought up a big, potentially explosive occurrence from his childhood. At the time I just felt for him, that he had experienced something so puin-ful- . However, shortly thereafter, I also felt really hostile and uncomfortable we'd just talked about slowing things down. 1 really like this person, but somehow all of this feels like a red flag. Or maybe my discomfort is a red flag about MY readiness for a serious relationship? n Too Close for Comfort Or it's a red flag that you're about to talk yourself out of your own discomfort because you like this guy and want things to work out, and don't realize that, when you and he are visiting Mom with your two kids (and a third on the way!) and he launches into an extended bit of friendly expository chatter on exactly why you have a third on the way, you're going to fix on a point about a thousand yards away and think: "Oh. That's what the red flag meant." If you suspect you're wary of intimacy to a point where it isn't healthy, then please do for your reaaddress that sons, not for him. If his openness seems excessive or attention-driveand your own lack of it doesn't, then, I swear, there's no need to dig or date any further than that. Carolyn Hax Tell Me About It Dear Carolyn: My husband and lhave hit a rough patch. We have been married for three years, have two small children, he works long hours at a stressful job, e and 1 am a mother. I am having trouble finding the "spark" and he is frustrated. Do you have any advice on how to try to focus more on my marriage and less on the kids and household stuff? stay-at-hom- Marriage-ville- , H E R V&dnesday, May 16, 2007 AID Short answers' are often best self-revelati-on Carolyn: I long-ter- over-the-to- p the moment, or thatj would call on them iarny'f ime need. Shouldvl simply tell them that everything is fine? S.- GENTLE READER Why can't you just give them a straight answer to a simple , i question? According to your report, people are not asking hpw "ev' 4 erything" is, however much that is on your mind. They are asking how the gentleman is, which is a conventionally polite question, and the conven' Miss tional answer is "He's fine." However, it has occurred to Miss Manners that you may hope it will only be temporary, want it generally known that you are "on break," so that they often go on to be a little people might not be shocked patronizing and offer a shoulder to cry on if it doesn't work when they see you out with out. someone else, or so that they I don't mind this so much might not miss the chance to with close friends, as I'm will- introduce you to someone else. If such is the case, you need ing to have a long chat about it with them about the whole only add, "I don't see him situation, but I'm not really quite as much as I used to, but I'll tell him you asked about sure how to act with people I do not know that well. him." DEAR MISS MANNERS I can't imagine in all seriousMy ness that they are genuinely family and I have just been very upset that my relationthrough the difficult and ship isn't going very well at draining experience of car Judith Martin Manners ing for my father through his terminal illness and grieving, his loss. While so many,have brought comfort and care to us, this milestone, has been i made more difficult on occasion by allegedly people and their almost unbelievably insensitive comments. For; example, to my unmarried sister, "I guess you'll have to find someone else to walk you down the aisle, dear" or to my mother after church, "I'll bet the hardest part is waking up in the morning alone." What does one say to such people? Is there a polite way to let them know how inappropriate and painful their remarks are to us? well-meani- GENTLE READER Yes: "I'm sure you meant to be kind." Miss Manners 'newest book is "No Vulgar Hotel: The Desire and Pursuit of Venice," written under her real name, Judith Martin. Address your etiquette questions to Miss Manners via email at ) MissMannersunitedmedia. USA You know how they say laughter is key to good health? Okay. So think about what you're demanding of yourself, and laugh. Really hard. Here's what you can offer your husband, yourself and your marriage: Realism. Spending all day tending to everyone else's needs, while fighting off a hostile takeover by damp towels, will leave Science in the national interest be like herding cats, experience with the No Left Behind (NCLB) program has certainly added to the problems. But there is no question about the need to beef up the United States's science productivity. So how to It'll doit? will leave anybody you depleted. Since you've put your marriage and yourself second-to-laand last in line, respectively, it's hardly shocking there's nothing left when you get there. So set aside times where you put your husband and yourself near the front of the line. Arrange for child care, put the dates on the calendar, and honor them like ... well, like appointments you make for your kids. Because date nights and "me" times, maybe like no others, really are appointments you make for your kids. At the heart of the matter, the minds of many, is the fact that the U.S. public school system is under the control of some 15,000 local school boards, the "cats" of my comparison. They, of course, are responsible to, and susceptible to, the educational wishes of the citizens they serve. But often these wishes are riot at all the views of the majority of their constituents; they are instead the insistent and sometimes strident views of vocal minorities. Such local control has its admitted strengths (heightened citizen interest and input, for starters), but that also carries considerable cost. The system is an unwieldy morass of independent views, power brokers, in "Tell Me About It": tellme(a washpost.com Duane Jeffery ally, but .especially in science. It's a drumbeat that almost has driven us into "warning we're tired of hearfatigue" ing it. But that doesn't make the problem go away. And while the federal government, along with a variety of states, has made variotis attempts to address the issue, very few local school boards seem to have sense any personal responsibility in the matter. So the feds are trying once again. Two recent reports, from the National Research Council (see the April 6 issue of Science for references) have just summarized our declining output of doctorate-leve- l chemists and chemical engineers. Let's focus just on returning home. And, whereas the United States published 23 percent of all chemical research papers a decade ago, that output has now fallen to 18 percent. Says one panel member of the recent reports: "The U.S. will remain a leader in chemistry for the next five years." That, frankly, is frightening. So the White House has suggested we double the financial support for training graduate students in the sciences Science & Society over a period of 10 years. Few of the studies I read think that is an adequate response. The May 4 issue of Science controllers, competing inter) summarizes ests, citizens both informed (pages a new proposal to promote and less so. And recruiting its STEM (science, technology, support for national concerns is often very difficult. engineering, math) education chemistry. The federal government in the public schools. It is, afThe number of doctorate wields considerable leverage, degrees in chemistry awarded ter all, that system that must of course, with its big buckets by our American universities supply the students who will of educational money, NCLB is about the same in the years move on to the doctorate and 4 But professional levels. Pages as in being the last major attempt to use that cash to bring about fewer and fewer of those are of the same source outline several bills just passed, with meaningful reform. I shall going to U.S. citizens; almost leave it to others to evaluate half of them are now going very strong support, by the its effects; suffice it to say that to foreign students who come Senate and the House that are I find few educators among its here to study. It is a minor considerably more ambitious fans. My major concern today relief that most of them choose than the suggestions from the has to do with America's sciWhite House. One can only to stay in America, but that entific leadership and output. percentage is slipping. As for- hope for quick passage and broad-baseNumerous reports over the eign science programs, in the support. Asian countries in particular, past couple of decades have I Duane Jeffery is a professor warned that the United States continue to build, more and is slipping in education gener more of those students are of zoology at Brigham 676-677- 1970-197- 2000-200- 672-67- 3 d ft ...... WRSk Central Utah Clinic pleased to toidcom& a neio physician to the American Fork Internal Medicine office. i i Qxaduate Page V year's selection will run June 14th, 2007 This joins the Internal Medicine physicians at Central Utah Clinic at the American Fork location. She completed her Internal Medicine residency at the Northwestern School of Medicine. Before relocating to Utah, Dr. Ling practiced Internal Medicine in - Qeiehote thevc occompthfunent! Fill send your Graduate's photo and a payment of $20 what your ad will look like, lor No ' - v ) l' V 'H couW prourta mt ilV!,, J;'), ;.. 1 Hwk High School Fmlf Qs. oluf is now accepting new patients 1175 East 50 South, Suite 241 J , j 1 Dr. Ling provides patient care in: diabetes hypertension chronic diseases osteoporosis kidney disease women's health general adult medical illnesses & conditions JASON MICHAEL DUNN (actual size larger than shown) .t' I Illinois for 7 years. out the form This is 9 Dr. Yun Ling a board certified physician in Internal Medicine Act fast "2007 Graduates" must be in by Wednesday, June 10th, 2007 at 3:00 pm! is Main Number ,' ,,,"f J want ta hmxox a 2CC7 Qmduate! rfi ( 801 American Fork, UT 84003 .492.5999: ! ft Central Utah Clinic, M. Your Health,Your Choke Graduate's Name School Name Or Family note f Order not valid without ilie followinc information: Address Home Thone Visa C ird Signature. QtyState ( -- Daytime Thone ) Mastercard Discover ( I Zip. 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