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Show u Sunday, September 26, 2004 DAILY HERALD D3 HOROSCOPE EUGENIA CELEBRITIES LAST. SUNDAY, I J Jf 'i unpin gup... lUStIO started lifting weights. But look "cut" and "ripped" and have bulging muscles like the ones on male underwear models; who for some reason are always shown posing outdoors, looking sullen, as if a group of models ; even stale heir pants. V&u think I want to have muscles like that, so women will look at me and think: "Wow! I would like to see HIS syndicated column!" But you are wrong. I'm lifting weights for sensible medical reasons, which I learned about from the highest possible medical authority: the Internet. If you ever experience a medical symptom, such as itching, you don't need to waste time sitting in a doctor's waiting room reading 1997 issues of Redbook. Instead, you can go to the Internet, and with just a few mouse clicks, you'll discover the reassuring truth: There might be a worm in your brain, ; Really. According to a medical site called Medline Plus ("Trusted Health Information for You") sponsored by The, National Medical Library AND The National Institutes of Health, itching can be a symptom of a condition called "visceral larva migrans" (literally, "a worm in your brain"). And before I get a bunch of nasty letters from irate physicians attacking me for unnecessarily scaring people, let me note that another symptom of brain worm is and this is a direct "irquote from Medline Plus ritability." But getting back to weightlifting: I found out from the Internet that when you get to be my age (old), you lose bone density and muscle mass. This alarmed me, because I never had any muscle mass to begin with. Men: You know how, when your wife can't open a pickle jar, she gives it to you, and 1 U xjU more-muscul- Dave Barry you're supposed to smile in a manly patronizing way as you effortlessly twist it open? That's not what happens in our house. What happens is, after a grim struggle lasting several minutes, I wind up tying on the kitchen floor, exhausted and whimpering, while the pickle jar, unopened, laughs and flirts boldly with my wife. Sometimes it gives me a wedgie. I've always been puny. As a youth, I totally missed the boat to Puberty Island. It sailed away with all my classmates, leaving me standing on the dock. When it returned, down the gangplank came tramping all these young adults between 6 and 8 feet tall, sporting muscles and beards and bosoms (sometimes all three). Whereas I was still this little hairless dweeb with a voice in the Pinocchio range. It was a difficult time for me, but one day my mom, bless her heart, had a talk with me. She told me that girls were not interested only in looks that the qualities that really mattered were brains and a sense of humor. That little talk was long ago, but it taught me an invaluable life lesson I have never forgotten: Moms lie when they have to. The truth is and I speak here as a that trained humor professional r women are definitely more interested in muscles than a , high-profil- k, toe-kissi- cross-dresse- 200-pou- Throwing the book at them Under Manitoba courts' interpretation of Canada's Youth Criminal Justice Act, no part of a youth's sentence can be for the purpose of "deterrence." Consequently, Judge Ronald : Meyers in August sentenced two teenagers (with 22 prior convictions between them) for f three armed robberies, sending r them away for eight and six months, respectively, plus ..some community service. Judge Meyers made the news-i2003 when he sentenced a who had admitted re- ' peatedly, fatally beating a boy in the head with a sock containing a billiards ball to one day in jail (plus probation). People who believe (1) Statues at the Vietnamese Catholic Community Church in Brisbane, Australia, mysteriously began to "bleed" on May bringing pilgrims from around the world to see the "miracle." Even after the Brisbane Archdiocese declared the bleeding a hoax, worshippers defiantly continued to arrive. (2) And in July, a group of 52 breast cancer patients filed a lawsuit against the Rosalind Franklin University of Medicine and Science in Chicago for the school's having discontin- 21, . . a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him co The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132. c SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 21): Avoid getting involved in Take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself. You can make financial gains through winnings, investments or selling something you no longer use. 3 stars TAURUS (April too many group activities. Sitting back, reading or going over some of the things that have been making your life so complex lately will help your mental outlook. 2 stars 20): A y romantic relationship will develop if you are single or you can rekindle the flame if you are currently involved. Your unique spin to whatever you do will attract attention. 4 stars CAPRICORN (Dec. GEMINI (May 21 June 20): Don't expect things to run smoothly and you will stand a AQUARIUS (Jan. 20): Do PISCES (Feb. Travel will lead to an interesting turn of events. Your participation will bring about a chance meeting with someone who will alter your future. 5 stars about them. 3 stars Birthday Baby; You are sensitive, caring and in control all at the same time. You are intelli- 22): Money t. 18): what works for you and don't worry about what others want you to do. You've put your own plans on the back burner for too long. You can only accomplish your goals by being passionate CANCER (June 21 -- July 22): VIRGO (Aug. 20-Fe- Make a game plan and consider what you need to learn in order to follow your dream. Believing is half the battle. You are smart ' and capable. 3 stars much better chance of getting things done. Someone will try to dump his or her responsibilities in your lap. Be prepared to say no. 2 stars (July 19): 22-Ja- Forget about work and all the pressures that you usually carry around with you. Take time to enjoy friends, family or any interest that you haven't been able to find time for. 4 stars gent and have the charm and charisma to reach your goals. Check out Eugenia's Web sites at astroadvice.com and eugenialast.com. 22): Per- sonal developments are likely to take place today. Talks with TODAY IN HISTORY To the anger of the Europeans, Today is Sunday, Sept. 26, the 270th day of 2004. There are 96 U.S. Today's Highlight in History: On Sept 26, 1960, the first ' ' from Russia, offered to pay for them with chickens, (c) Former weapons inspector Hans Blix, in an interview, said he accepted dangerous UN, missions primarily so he could meet women, (d) A Navy recruiter signed up a rural Alabama woman but then, on a visit to her home, also talked her brother, father and mother into the Reserves. (Answers at end of column.) dents in which senior citizens momentarily confuse the gas and brake pedals. In July 2004, families of two of the dead and nine of the injured beat the statute of limitations by filing lawsuits. Weller is named, but the main targets are the farmer's market, a local farmers' association, the Los Angeles County agriculture commissioner, the city of Santa Monica, and the state of Calif ornia, all of whom were supposedly careless in allowing Weller to crash into the victims. Police blotter s tip in 2003, directives in Waterloo, Iowa, had a police dog "search" a car. The dog started to sniff , and then abandoned his post, but police took the car to the station anyway, where another dog sniffed it and signaled drugs. A search warrant was obtained, and owner Kirk Sallis was arrested for cocaine possessioa However, in June 2004, a judge dismissed the charge, ruling that the impound was illegal, in that the first dog never "completed" the initial search, since the dog, part-wa- y through the search, had run off to chase a cat. I From the police column of The Union (Grass Valley, Calif.), June 25, 2004: "A (caller) reported that he heard someone screaming and went outside to find a woman lying in the street. When he asked her if she was all right, the man reported, she started yelling at him, ran inside a residence and appeared to be smashing things inside. Police contacted the woman, who said she was just having an argument with her- high-profil- Recurring themes People with issues Neil Middlehurst, 49, who is blind, was ordered in June by the Kingston (England) Crown Court to refrain from behavior that had provoked numerous complaints from females who had recently helped him cross streets. Middlehurst's apparent modus operandi is to touch women affectionately as they walk, while involved in a short conversation he initiates about sore throats and "phlegm" (and the judge specifically forbade him from using that word). Least competent criminals During the recent trial in Brooklyn, N. Y., at which mob boss Joseph Massino was convicted of various charges, several tales emerged in testimony showing a crime family. "Good Looking Sal" Vitale, who turned on Massino in the trial (perhaps balancing out "Vinny Gor- - f geous" Basciano, who remained loyal), admitted that Massino once got angry just before a hit when a nervous Vitale accidentally fired his submachine gun in their closet hiding place while waiting for the victims.Vitale sheepishly acknowledged that Massino immediately took the gun away from him and told him to go just monitor the door. self." The litigious society I LaTonya Finney and her . Three of these four things ' ' Readers' choice Emergency medical technicians summoned to the home of a grossly overweight woman in Stuart, Fla., in August had the usual problems removing her (inadequate stretcher, doorways too small), but there was a more serious concern for d woman: She had the not budged from her couch in several years, and its covering had become grafted onto her skin, requiring her to be transported while on the couch (and the couch surgically removed at Martin Memorial Hospital). (She died in the hospital, of breathing complications.) re- Are you cynical enough to figure out the made-u-p story? (a) A South Carolina man robbed a bank armed only with a long pitchfork, (b) Thailand, at- ' tempting to acquire fighter jets 88. singer-musicia- , (c) is false (as Singer-actres- s Christina Milian is 23. Tennis player Serena Williams is 23. Thought for Today: "The world cares very little about what a man or woman knows; it is what the man or woman is able to do." Booker T. Washington, American educator and 25. author (1856-1915- ). The Associated Press Celebration Gagon, 80th The children of Lois Smith Gagon announce a celebration in honor of her 80th birthday . All family and friends are invited to share in this happy occasion at an Open House to be held on October 2, 2004 from 4.00 p.m. to p.m. at the Riverside Country Club, 2701 North University Ave. Provo. No gifts please, your presence will be a gift enough; far as I know). Send your Weird News to n Jil-lia- . 480-poun- Answer to Almost All True: Almost all true ally happened, just recently. In New York City in July, Albert Salcedo became the most recent person to shake a stubborn vending machine, have it fall over on top of him, and then file a claim blaming the machine's owner. (Salcedo had received $30,000 in a previous lawsuit after he fell through a broken fence; both the vending machine and the fence are located at public schools.) And the parents of a boy who died after falling into the Crooked River Gorge in Oregon (because, said rescuers, he was jumping daringly from rock to rock when one broke loose) became the most recent plaintiffs to file a lawsuit blaming the death on those who attempted a rescue. late Justin Leonard for a putt that all but won the tournament for the Americans. One year ago: President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin opened a two-da- y summit at Camp David. The government issued a recall for Segway scooters, citing instances in which riders fell off when the batteries ran low. A magnitude eight quake rocked Japan's northern island of Hokkaido, injuring more than 750 people. British rock singer Robert Palmer died in Paris at age 54. Today's Birthdays: Fitness expert Jack LaLanneis 90. Actor Philip Bosco is 74. Country singer David Frizzell is 63. Actor Kent McCord is 62. Television host Anne Robinson is 60. Singer Bryan Ferry is 59. Former Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Christie Whitman is 58. Singer Lynn Anderson is 57. Singer Olivia Newton-John is 56. Actress Mary Beth Hurt is 56. Actor James" Keane is 52. Rock Cesar Rosas (Los Lobos) is 50. Country singer Carlene Carter is 49. Actress Linda Hamilton is 48. Country singer Doug Supernaw is 44. Recording executive Andre Harrell is 44. Actress Melissa Sue Anderson is 42. Actor Patrick Bristow is 42. Rock musician Al Pitrelli (Megadeth) is 42. Singer Tracey Thorn (Everything But The n Girl) is 42. Weather reporter Barberie is 38. Actor Jim Caviezel is 36. Singer Shawn Stockman (Boyz II Men) is 32. Jazz musician Nicholas Payton is 31. Actor Mark Famiglietti is 45-fo- televised debate between presidential candidates John F. Kennedy and Richard M. Nixon took place in Chicago. On this date: In 1777, British troops occupied Philadelphia during the American Revolution. In 1 789, Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's first secretary of state. In 1898, American composer George Gershwin was born in Brooklyn, N.Y. In 1914, the Federal Trade Commission was established. In 1950, United Nations troops recaptured the South Korean capital of Seoul from the North Koreans. In 1952, philosopher George Saritayana died in Rome at age In 1955, following word that President Eisenhower had suffered a heart attack, the New York Stock Exchange saw its worst price decline since 1929. In 1957, the musical "West Side Story" opened on Broadway. In 1986, William H. Rehnquist was sworn in as the 16th chief justice of the United States, while Antonin Scalia joined the Supreme Court as its 103rd member. In 1991, four men and four women began a two-yea-r stay inside a sealed-of- f structure in Oracle, Ariz., called "Biosphere Two."They emerged from the Biosphere on this date in 1993. Ten years ago: Addressing the U.N. General Assembly, President Clinton announced he had lifted most U.S. sanctions against Haiti, and urged other nations to follow suit. Jury selection began in Los Angeles for the murder trial of O.J. Simpson. Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell declared health care reform dead for the sessioa Five years ago: America won its first Ryder Cup since 1993 after trailing the European team 10-- 6 going into the final round. players, along with cad- dies, officials and wives, stormed the green to congratu- days left in the year. by Chuck Shepherd boyfriend, Adrian Howard, somehow managed to become intimate while they were jailed, separately, in 2002 on robbery charges in Crawford County,, Ga., with the result being the birth of a daughter, Adrianna. Raising the child has fallen to LaTonya's parents, Ronnie and Patricia Finney, who petitioned the county in Jury 2004 for financial support for Adrianna because they say the sheriff should have kept Finney and Howard far enough apart to prevent their mating. I In Jury 2003, Russell Weller, 88, made national news when he froze, with his foot on the accelerator, in Santa Monica, Calif., and plowed through a farmer's market, killing 10 people and injuring 63, in the v worst of a recent spate of inci 36 44 ARIES (March 21 -- April 19): LEO ued an experimental vaccine program. Even though the school cut the program because it had shown no clinical benefit, patients continue to demand their Vaccine." I Acting on a drug.infor-mant'- "bench-pressed- Barry is e interest into something lucrative. You can make a difference to someone you haven't heard from in a long time. 3 stars SCORPIO (Oct 21): Love is in a high cycle. Take a bit of time out to do something nice for yourself. Relax or make a few minor alterations to your appearance. 5 stars mation this year. Something you are told will have a tremendous impact on your future. Your numbers are 1, 8, 17, 26, But I'm making progress: " This very morning I a total weight of and here, to make it look more impressive, I will use the metric system 4,082,331.33 centigrams. Lying on my back, I was able to lift this weight INTO THE AIR, then bring it back down onto my chest, thus completing a "bench press." . Unfortunately, I couldn't get the weight back off my chest. Seriously: I was trapped. My wife had to come rescue me. She thought it was very funny; I heard her laughing all the way back to the kitchen. I bet the pickle jar was laughing, too. I will kill it with a hammer, if I can ever lift my arms again. ) Dave 23-O- can be made if you develop a creative idea. Winnings or receiving money you never expected to get back is evident. Focus on family, health and finishing what you start. 3 stars News of the weird The unassuming town of Greensburg, Pa. (pop. 16,000, just east of Pittsburgh), was the e arrests site of two recently. In July, James 21, was suspected as . the man responsible for several incidents, including one underneath a public library table, when he allegedly kissed the feet of a girl . and asked if he could kiss her liyer. In September, Robert s 48, who as "Kelly," was charged with trespassing (and suspected of identity theft) after "Kelly" was found outside the girls' locker room at Greensburg Salem High School looking for the cheerleading coach. The Domasky said he merely wanted her to teach him some cheers. In Domasky's apartment, police found cheerleader magazines and uniforms, pompoms, and photos of "Kelly" in cheerleader garb. vneaitn sense of humor. You will never hear a woman say : "I wish Brad Pitt would put his shirt back on and tell some jokes!" But let me repeat in a manner that this has NOTHING TO DO with why I'm lifting weights. I'm doing it for mass and density, as clearly explained on the Internet. Is my weight training working? Consider this: After just one week of lifting, I can no longer move my arms. I feel as though oxen have been clog- dancing on my upper body. I have to brush my teeth by holding the toothbrush still and moving my head up and dowa The problem is that weights follow me closely are heavy. When you lift them, your muscles hurt, which is your body's way of telling you: "Stop lifting weights, moron!" (Or, in some cases: "There's a worm in your brain!") not for the reason you I think. You think I want to ' Happy Birthday: You will discover what love really means to you by the interaction you have with someone you may have taken for granted in the past. Open up to those offering infor- WARNING SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE 26. 2004 someone you care about will lead to a new set of rules or commitments. 3 stars LIBRA (Sept 22): You may be able to turn a part-tim- BORN ON THIS Christina Milian, Serena Williams, Shawn Stockman, James Caviezel DAY: SEPTEMBER . Chucfe Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNewsearthlink.net or www.New8oftheWeird.com, i |