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Show Up near Niagara someone's electric developed a short last fall to an enlightened story as told by Con Edison and we had a mysterious blackout that developed into a cold. Well, it wasn't exactly the blackout that caused the cold. The blackout was more of a catalyst When a guy sneezes in the Gemini capsule, it makes the front pages and the whole country says, "God bless you." I sneezed, hacked, sniffled and dribbled for two weeks after the aforementioned blackout and all it got me was "Goddamnyou, stay away from me." Do you have a minute? I'd like to tell you about it It went like this night, My wife, Jane, lit candles that blacked-ojust as everybody else did, and we decided that we looked more romantic by. candlelight So we had candlelight dinners many nights after that It was during one of these romantic, dimly lit, flickering dinners that I complimented her on the roast beef. She replied, "Stupid, that's sweetbreads," when the phone rang. I groped my way to the instrument, and in the hush of the night and by the light of the silvery moon (and little else), I stubbed my toe against a chair. And that is painful! I said, "Gee!," "Man!," "Yowl" and a lot of other three-lettwords. Then phoned my doctor quick. "Doc," I said. "I stubbed my toe against a chair." Which oner he asked. The arm chair in the study by my desk," I replied. "Not which chair. Which toe?" he shouted. "Why?" I asked. "Do you have a different cure for each toe?" "Look," he said, "I'm in the middle of dinner. Come into my office tomorrow and I'll it" ... ut Herein lies a er well-don- e tale, dished up by an olde master story-teller- .. X-r- ay 'One cold coming up, medium rare" by Goodman Ace "OK," I said, "if I can walk tomorrow. I'll have to put some cotton between the toe I stubbed and the next one, and that'll relieve the pain when I walk." "That's ridiculous," he said. "Never heard of it You be in my office tomorrow at 9 and I'll see if it's broken." The next morning I hobbled into his office. He the toe and announced it was not broken. "But what do I do when I walk? It hurts terribly. Doc." "I'll tell you what you do," he said. "Put some cotton between the toe you stubbed and the one next to it and that'U relieve the pain when you walk." "Thanks a lot. Doc," I said. "What a marvelous idea." "And one more thing." he added. "Wear soft shoes. Do you have a pair of soft mesh shoes that you wear in the summer? Wear them," 12 So I did. In my soft mesh shoes I took the train the next day to visit some friends who had just bought a summer home in Westchester County. It rained on, and in, my soft mesh shoes as my hosts showed me around their grounds. And it rained on, and in, them as I waited for the train to take me home. The New York Central Railroad, it may be noted here, has windows that no human hand has ever been able to open or shut Not a breath of air, fresh or dirty, ever penetrates them. But on this ride, with the window sealed by epoxy, a draft found its way to the back of my neck and I caught a cold all the way down to my soft mesh (wet) shoes. double-KleenEarly the next morning, after a three-boat the I doctor, friend, night, phoned my his home. "Doc," I said, "you know those soft mesh shoes you told me to wear? I wore them and it rained on my soft mesh shoes and I caught a cold." "I told you to wear them," he cried, "but I didn't tell you to wear them in the rain. Do you have a . temperature?" I said. "I just took it" '"Was that orally?" he asked. "Sure. Why? Did you want me to put it in writing?" "Look," he said. "I'm in the middle of breakfast," (He was always eating.) "I'll be down as soon as I get through." He came. He took my temperature. He looked at the thermometer. he announced. Thanks a lot, Doc," I said. "I'll leave you some pills. Take this pill every four hours." "The same one?" I asked. "Look," he said, "I'm in the middle of a lot of sick patients." (He's always in the middle of something.) "You just stay in bed and drink hot drinks. And for heaven's sake, don't go near anybody. See you later." I thought that over for awhile and decided I couldn't let him dismiss me that easily, so around noon I called his office. "Doc," I said, "I'm sorry to bother you. Are you in the middle of lunch?" "No, I'm just beginning lunch," he said. "Oh, well, you know the hot drinks you told me 1 x, "Ninety-nine-point-one- ," "Ninety-nine-point-on- to taker "What about itr "Well, I drank one and it upset my stomach." "What hot drink did you haver "Beer." "Oh, for heaven's sake! You drank hot beerr "Well, warm, any way." There was an apoplectic silence. "Look," he said, "I want you to stay in one temperature-a- nd no draft" "Is that draft beer, Doer He slammed down the phone. He's forever in the middle of eating something or slamming some thing. I think he's just about ready for Medicare himself. I know now why they say that a cold is an ailment that can be cured in one week with a doctor's care, and in seven days without it Well, that's the story. I can hardly wait for the Second Annual Blackout. I've already had Jane throw away all our candles, laid in a stock of flashlights and kerosene lanterns and rearranged the furniture so that no one, especially me, can trip over anything. - Goodman Act wrote and starred in the radio classic "Easy Aces" with his wife, Jane. He currently writes "The Perry Como Show" and his by lined column is regular feature appearing in The Saturday Review. Dimensions in Living ex |