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Show Universities Sued for "Stupid" Discrimination become impossible for the stupid man to get ahead without winning the lottery, which requires buying lots of tickets!" Sharing a poor anecdote about his own lack of brains, Wunderfol said, "Why, when I applied to Hollywood Upstairs School of Law, they told me that there was no way I would get accepted. But after 10 years of lowering standards and six tries at the bar exam, can swear just like a pirate." District Attorney Frank Smackerwitz, who will be defending California, admitted that while this is one of the most moronic lawsuits ever, the state stands a good chance of losing because juries consist by and large of people just like the suing. "I think Dave Barry put it best," Smackerwitz said, '"You have the right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury duty.' "Really smart people tend to be doing important things that can't be put off, and sort of smart people know all you have to do is raise your hand when the judge asks if the crime in question has r fV - by BRENT OLSEN Li y Diversities throughout the United States, already hit by massive budget cuts and global warming induced climate changes, are reeling from the latest class action lawsuit craze stupidity discrimination. Ir no less than seven different states (and possibly as many as 13), hordes of educationally challenged and just plain dumb students have joined forces to sue universities that have refused them admittance. "This used to be a stupid man's world where violence or the threat of it was the quickest way to get ahead, said Handsum B. Wunderfol, lawyer for the suit. California "But now, with the Internet-thingand the other advantages of college education that I read about in Reader's Digest, it's 1 under-qualifie- class-actio- "mut-tonheads- n y Handsum B. " Wonderfol pulls out witness statements from his "briefcase. ever happened to someone close to you," Smackerwitz continued. "I'm in constant fear that someone will sue the state over gravity," Smackerwitz said, "but I won't be surprised if they win." However, Wunderfol feels jury stupidity is part of what makes the system great. "I think it really affirms Thomas Jefferson's statement that all men are created equal," Wunderfol said. "A nation that refuses to be judged by its stupidest members, on behalf of its stupidest members, is a nation that has lost its way." What do the would-bcollege students have to say on the matter? As might be expected, not much that anyone would want to listen to. "Dude, who wouldn't want to go to college?" said John Enbright, a Nevada resident boasting a robust 1.5 GPA and a cute little tattoo in the shape of heart on his right bicep, "All the hot girls from my school went to college it's where the action is." , Amy Smith of Utah agrees. "Like, I put a lot of time and effort into looking this good throughout high school, and now it's time to cash in by marrying some computer geek that will be rich. But, like, how can I do that if I don't go to college?" Smith said. University officials would have been asked, but it was too much of an effort so they weren't (as if they were going to come out and say, "Yes, we're guilty, guilty, guilty, please take our endowment money" if we had asked). To no one's great surprise, the plaintiffs don't actually want the colleges they are f uing to let them in, instead preferring large cash settlements. "We want the difference between what the average college and high school graduate earns in a lifetime, plus $500 million each for pain and mental anguish," Wunderfol said. "After all, education comes and goes, but money lasts forever." Q knee-bitin- 1 nMrm" iWBwiw "fcwas 1 -- .r il ! ft T ,.ss''f -r- fK Vu Vsjl ! This week's REDHead has been around for something like 30 years. Sometimes he's 1 l named used a hedonistic alter-egStardust and done dirty deeds on stage. His new album is out now. o I t I I g e brentored-mag.co- rt ' v,s ?. hjj imi ?riK f.a $ RED hits the road to see Elvis Costello The 24th annual 'Saturday's Voyeur' R4 and Utah Arts Festival Rfi Has Spielberg made another really cool film? Rj What's Up R8 Walk the art walk m Nothing but Manilowlli See Greet Specials! Reduced Rental Rates Move-I- n Huge 1 niiiw" Bedrooms Starting at $549.00 www.RED-mag.co- jO r' ''''' t for additional unpaid events m 'mmm f Great Amenities! q Billiards 0 TooisB-BsI- I In-Outd- oor Courts 'Svimming Pools Exercise Facility ART DIRECTOR Iztrdl G?.Z'Al 4 Aamrs icltko ;. .. ,,: f M' 0k 4 7 Jfe .i f'iiscn Csrnj Crer.tCIscn $49.09 DepssitMo App'Icaticn Fee T!!E '! 2 WRITING STAFF ' Student's Discr.T.t!! Great location! Dl CHRONICLE EDITOR IN CHICF . Dcbbi ?zny Uwa CV.'CISS Easy Freeway Access! ( rrrii 1 Pet's Welccir.s Too! 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