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Show FRIDAY, MARCH 10 THE DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE 30, 2001 That whole disputed AMERICAN continued from page 9 can think is "How the hell did owner Peter Angclo in.inag'." to spend over sioo million in payroll?" I could find players of comparable talent on the bottom shelf of a Sam's Club warehouse. Wei), at least Cal Ripken still has that Iron M.111 pt rsoi:.i p)ing... Oh, wait. 'l.impa Hay Devil I'ays red Ml Griff. Vinny Cast ilia, Greg Vaughn h d lose Canseco were supposed to be the ncw-aj"Murderers' Row." Instead, they just made manager Larry Rothschild want to murder someb ody (preferably them). h says quite a bit that the two main issues surrounding this team this spring have been whether or not a supposed teenage phenom baiting .176 should start in center field, and whether subtly dropping the "Devil" from Devil Rays will sufficiently appease the rather conservative surrounding community. I say instead make a deal with the devil, keep his name on the front of your jersey, and maybe you can finish fourth. As for the TB residentsit's not like they'd be caught dead at a Devil Rays' game in the first place. 5. i c AL Central 1. Cleveland Indians The top six hitters in their lineup include Kenny Lofton, Omar Vizquel, Roberto Alomar, luan Gonzalez, im Thome and Ellis Burks. With that crew, you could put me in the seven spot, my cat at No. 8, and my cat's imaginary friend "Giggles" at nine and still put up bigger numbers than Mark Cuban's NBA fine total. Leading the rotation arc Bartolo Colon, Chuck Finlcy and Dave Burba a threesome not quite on the level of, say, Maddux, Glavinc and Smoltz, but slightly better than the Twec-dleDees and Dums that staff the rest of this division. That being said, I guess it doesn't matter that Manny Ramirez wants to set Jacobs Field on fire and drink the blood of GM John Hart as a breakfast shake. Who needs blood when you've got a playoff spot again? 2. Chicago White Sox s, deal Wells-for-Sirot- was finally completed when the Sox agreed to throw in some pliers, a blender, a pair of bed-shee- ts and a welcome mat. The Jays were pressing for a used plunger, but that's where Chicago drew the line. Comiskey Park wasn't quite the quality building management expected it to be, after all. At any rate, the Sox have got now, but the fact that Wells their staff ace carries more weight than the collective reputations of the rest of the staff is slightly disturbing. I'm also wondering why he doesn't get rid of that squirrel that crawled onto his face and died. the hitters, Ray Durham remains underrated, Magglio Ordonez is a budding As for star, and Frank Thomas is a whiny, punk-as- s bitch. Sure, he can crush a baseball like Mike Tyson could crush Robin Givens...cr, opposing g about boxers, but when you're 162 mil to spend games hitting a making $9 a ball with stick, you become less legitimate than half of Africa's dictators...cr, presidents. 3. Detroit Tigers Sorry, no Juan here by that name. The gamble on Gonzalez flopped bigger than flick starring Tom your average Arnold, but the crew from Comerica will nevertheless continue their ascent toward mediocrity. Hey, they could get there. True, I've done more walking in my sleep than featured hitters Deivi Cruz and Juan Encarnacion do in a season, and it sure would be nice if resident team slugger Tony Clark could hit more than 13 home runs this year, but that's no reason to doubt Detroit's progress. After all, now that left fielder Bobby r turned down an offer of $oM and probably won't get another such offer, I'm sure his mind will be free from all those contract issues and perfectly ready to focus on hitting that ball. As for the pitching, from everything I hear, Jeff Weaver is ready to be a star. And if I had a nickel for every time I'd heard of Jeff Weaver before last night, I'd still need 55 cents to buy a Cherry Coke out of one of those damn vending machines. 4. Kansas City Royals Ela;MWVg3aeM&iMiA' belly-achin- Tig-ger- s' box-offi- Hig-gins- per-yea- .11. Lessec.your big offseason loss was Johnny Damon and your big acquisition was closer Roberto Hernandez. That's why the Royals remain the Royals. Of course, I'd be getting all existential if I suggested that the Royals were actually someone else, but I'll save the philosophy discussions for another day. Actually, Hernandez was not a bad pickup at all. The team did blow 26 out of 55 save opportunities last year. Problem is, they may not have any starting or relief pitching worthy of getting save opportunities to him. The lineup does have some pop, though. Carlos Beltran and Jermaine Dye are quality players, and Carlos Febles and Dee Brown are on the way up. Of course, if their progress continues, they're also on their way out of KC just as soon as their contracts expire. 5. Minnesota Twins Just apply for admittance into some AAA league and get it over with already, willya? Of course, 95 percent of the roster is comprised of former Salt Lake Buzz players, so what do you expect? I guess I could say that Brad Radke is considered a pretty good starter, LaTroy Hawkins may have found his niche as a closer, and Cory Koskie and Matt Lawton carry some decent-size- d wood (whoa therc.no sexual innuendo implied), but do you really care? Me neither. Basically, the Twins can't compete on anywhere near a Major League level until they're triplets or quadruplets at the very least. ' AL West 1. Oakland Athletics Well now, last year's edition set new team records for batting average, runs, hits and RBI, e rookie and added KC stud Damon and Jose Ortiz (no, not that guy, you stupid Jazz fans) to the lineup. Meanwhile, AL MVP Jason Giambi is poised for another monster year, while fellow infield-er- s Miguel Tejada and Eric Chavez are making names for themselves as well. On the pitching front, Tim Hudson, Barry Zito and Gil Heredia won't t2ke anyone by surprise again this year, but they will continue to win games. Seems to me the Yankees will be hearing the footsteps right quick. And whaddaya know? It big-tim- won't even take a $100 million payroll. It just goes to show that you can occasionally find some good stuff at garage sales, 2. Texas Rangers s old new team or team? Gotta go for Dubya's old squad if for no other reason than to believe that a quarter of a billion dollars actually counts for something. With Ivan Rodriguez back behind the plate, and slugRafael Palmeiro backing up gers like Andres Galarraga and Ken Caminiti added to the middle of the order, they'll put up just enough runs to come out slightly ahead of the number that the rotation of Ron Helling, Kenny Rogers and Darren Oliver allows. This team will be the hottest thing in Dallas until the Cowboys cheerleaders display their, new outfits. It's just unfortunate that Emmitt Smith can probably throw a better fastball than anyone in the Rangers' lockerroom. 3. Seattle Mariners In the last three seasons, they've lost Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez. And all they got in return was Ichiro Suzuki. Sure, he's won seven straight batting titles in Japan, but it's telling that, in English, "Ichiro Suzuki" roughly translates into "Can't hit Pedro." Other than Edgar Martinez,- this offense is now softer than the underside of a pig's belly. (I've never really felt the underside of a pig's belly, so I'm just kind of speculating here) John Olerud and Carlos Guillen? Sounds like Seattle could use some Honda, Toyota and Mitsubishi too. At least the pitching is all right. Francisco Garcia, Aaron Sele and Jamie Moyer lead an underrated staff, but when you're depending upon a Japanese import to save you, I have just two words to say to you... Hideki Irabu. 4. Anaheim Angels Wow, you mean to tell me that changing the team name from "California" to "Anaheim" didn't magically make you a contender? Sounds like someone needs to bitch slap MickHmmm...A-Rod'- d, - ey. They've got some good hitters in Troy Glaus, Darrin Erstad and Tim Salmon, but they also have pitchers named Jarrod Washburn and Scott Schoenweis. Whaddaya know? It is a small world after all. Outdoor Track Set For Weekend Start ,, DON'T WALK, RUN TO YOUR NEAREST NEWS STAND!! - The last leg of an era will commence" with the launch of the 2001 outdoor track and field season Sat- tional Distance Cardinal on Saturday, in the opening outdoor competition for the U. 2001 MWC indoor winner Teren urday. Coach Mike Jones will call it quits after 22 years of service overseeing the Ute cross country and track and field teams with the conclusion of the outdoor season. Ln the meantime, Jones and just two Utah runners will retreat to California for the Stanford Invita Jameson will take his skills to Palo Alto. Jameson won the 3,000-metchampionship on Feb. 24, coming just less than one second shy of qualifying for the NCAA Championships. Jameson was also a cross er , see TRACK, page MP in wz n fetfttSl r Kit m& Lcaaoia and CampeliottA Diversity finally af the U? from a Cert Sited As? rilA, 11, 18. 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