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Show I - 2001 MAR08 RED 1 1 1 I i a J Tie Musical workers. It blew their minds," he said. "They keep me in the broom closet now." And thus, paid radio was born. Stereo systems from Sony, Panasonic, and Aiwa were categorized with Firestone radial tires as public safety hazards, and were subsequently recalled. The public rushed in droves to relinquish their pariah electronica. But the pay radios would not selL Underground "free radio communities" sprouted up across the nation, taunting the command of the elite and revitalizing the public's love for free radio. The government's answer: Radio Days '02. Word spread quickly that a benefit concert, featuring all original members of the Moody Blues and the Jackson Five, was to be held in Mesquite, Nev., on one fateful June morning. The attendance rosof illegal ter read like a who's-whfree radio. But it was too good to be true. Ail detractors of the new corporate regime were assimilated in camps to serve the industry in a delicious ironic twist "I don't find it barbaric at all. America was founded on the basis of slavery. We're merely continuing a tradition," said one corporate head, who preferred to go ous Oceania Records. This has had its due effect on the market, but Oceania Records CEO and Republican Winston 0"Brian assures that the impact is being felt on all levels. "People are whining about having to pay $6o or $70 or even $300 dollars for a new CD. Well I've got news for you, friends: That's inflation. Why, I got a haircut just last week cost me $700. $700! But you don't see me whining about that!" fat cats Wealthy blow. to feel ones the aren't the only like Teenyboppers Britney Aguilera are concerned that lack of radio exposure might have a damper on their record sales. ' "I'm not really all that worried. I mean, like, my music stands on its own," she said. "But, like, just to be sure, I'm bearing it all on my next album. Like, musically." Authorities urge people to remain calm, to refrain from feeling "duped," and, above all, to keep purchasing. "So long as you keep a meticulous log of all your receipts, don't accept anonymous gifts, or frequent the public library, or communicate with anyone suspect of insubordination which is virtually everyone or use the word "free" in an airport or a movie theater, or be affiliated with any sort of ethnic, religious or political minority, or just dress suspiciously ...what was I saying? Oh yeah you have absolutely nothing to fear...unless, of course, we were to make some unforeseeable mistake in paperwork which is most certain to happen," said a local police officer who, after some thought, decided to go unnamed. "But remember happiness! we're all in it together." Still some ar e more reluctant than others to conform. Conditioning camps have been set up across the nation to reduce the spread of thoughtcrimes. Visitors there may card-holdin- record-executiv- o liTiirfifiiw 'friTiMTi fay Brent 1 i ii n S allay usic is the opiate of the masses. And we're looking at one patchy, red aim. Around the world, you can literally hear the diurning stomachs of the depraved. The indigent lying in their own filth. The despondent stench of ungodliness. And that's just the musicians. More and more, today's hipsters and ravers are finding it hard just to keep an open ear. Rulings against the free distribution of music on public radio have left many wondering if the government is even capable of drawing a straight line, and, if so, where they will draw it It all started in the summer of y 2001, when a ground-leve- l employee in Terre Haute, Ind., serendipitously discovered that he could fit a quarter into one of the orifices of his clock radio. "I was trying to build a time machine to impress my female co Af record-compan- Be g unnamed. The fest needless to say, is history. The dispersion of radio waves throughout the atmosphere was summarily outlawed, until it was learned that these waves occur nate urally, at which point only man-mad- radio signals were prohibited. Only a few independent radio stations were allowed to continue transmission, since nobody listens to them anyway. Then, in the fall of the same year, in a move unprecedented since the exile of Bill Gates to Kosovo in late 2001, all record companies were consolidated into one: The illustri record-executiv- . RED HERRING - R3 The RED Interview I recently had a chance to sit down with O'Brian, head of Oceania Records, to discuss these accusations. "Sir, with all due respect, is there no end to your greed?" I ask. The new Creed? Unquestionably their best work yet It's like an Abbey Road for the '90s. Or whatever the hell you call this decade." "No, L.Eut what do you have to say in response to the rumored killing fields?" The Gelding Eels? What, the band? Yeah, their new stuff's pretty good. Kind of a Kid Rock meets Pat Benatar doing the Osmonds. With just a touch of Ravi Shankar. Yeah, something for everybody. Pretty solid stuff. Have you heard it?" "Yeah," I say, afraid to sound ignorant. O'Brian leans forward in his chair with a gleam in his eye. "Where?" enjoy a wide selection of modern torture tactics, from novice demon possession to bacterial infestation to unnecessary dentistry, all in order to dispel the unsavory desire to listen to music for free. "We're very optimistic. Record sales are up, up, up!" said Joe Stern, financial head of Oceania Records. "And crime, infidelity, and cancer are down. I mean, you do the math." But success has had its critics. Some sociologists have attributed the ovemhelming decline in e-related deaths to the astronomical rise of . inflicted, spontaneous deaths. And as if the corporate pockets could get no deeper, Congress is currently debating a measure that would require the listener to pay royalties for every time he or she were to so much as place a disc in a CD magazine or ogle a transparent jewel-casdesign. diseas- e - brain-aneuris- m 0 e 1 C""' r 1 I Mi: 3 t J5 fi A m m ' Q ' Ii local detractor getx a cap full sans anesthesia to tht Beach Beys the early albums. an Ys loader! isssooafcKVEi ahkc 1 & 4 plan events, concerts, movies create logos, ads, posters manage building policy you decide! 1 Apply online at ' ' www.unbn.utah.edu applications " or pick up an application buildand in Union maintain website Call581-765- your campus union.. Adminstration, Room 255 7 uiu.m n lfrB i UMiiiufl |