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Show THE DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE MONDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2000 7 Secure the Patent to Clone Jesus A Two Party Sham -- Editor. This letter concerns a very important issue the possibility of cloning Jesus. According to an article in a secular news source, there is a group way out there in Berkeley, Calif, called the Second Coming Project, 'and these folks are working toward an April deadline for implantation of Christ's embryo into a virgin with a totally sweet spirit. Holy Fetch! I call upon all you faithful members out there: Brothers and sisters, we so totally have to beat the Second Coming Project to it with our own real live Jesus fetus! I mean it; this enterprise was specially ordained for the Mormon church. Who else has the resources, the stocks and bonds, the day planners and the ad campaigns? (Maybe we could call ourselves the One True Second Coming Project but that's for the Priesthood to dfccids). - Now, I know it, science is darn bard,- - but we Mormons are for our already renowned Let us not duplicative powers trouble ourselves over the sc hoi- - arship ' of these Editor: Your democracy was silenced last has been personally examining Virgin Mother hopefuls for years! Furthermore, the Second Coming Project is facing many trials and tribulations ia getting the Shroud of Turin from the Catholic Church, which opposes cloning because of some kind of "free will." But we saints could simply use one of our own sacred relics, say, the Helmet of Young, the Lost Hair of Covey, or the Very Tithing Dollar That Bought the Legislature. Once we have His K$ly DNA, modern technology will allow us to produce, not to mention raise, our very own authentic Savior. Just thick of the rewards. Gosh, to gentiles who doubt our ownership of morality, we'll just point out the copyright. And finally, General Conference will be broadcast from the White House, once Orrin Hatch has a vice president with an (all-- ) powerful Father. OK, there is one problem. Like Tuesday. Don't bother with the presidential "debates," unless you want to learn from the masters on how to speak at length without really saying anything at all. The debates are like a taste test between Pepsi and Coke: You may have a preference for one or the other, but their ingredients are practically identical, and they're completely empty of any beneficial substance. The debates are sponsored by companies such as Anheuser-Busc- h to push their product, BushGore, and you can rest assured that these special interest sponsors have figured out that if they invest in both candidates, they can't lose. Doesn't that seem a little odd to you? As an individual, would you ever consider donating money not only to the candidate you support but also to the candidate you oppose? Of course not. and However, Anheuser-Buscmany other high rollers including the parent company of The Salt Lake Tribune, AT&T, have donated at least $50,000 to both candidates. Both parties support their cancerous agenda for profits at the expense of the environment, human rights, culture and democ made human cloning illegal in the United States. I don't know about you guys, but I fee! Utah should totally just secede from the Union we do have plenty of firepower. Ail this thinking about technology and stuff brings. to mind many other godly uses for science. Cloning will eliminate the necessity of sinful coupling. We could genetically engineer athletes for BYU, blond Jews and even sisters with" a third bosom. (I bear personal witness, nursing a newborn and a at the same time is currently downright oppressive .) These truly are exciting times, these latter days. But I know it in my heart of hearts that our Jesus clone was foreordained. Isn't it uplifting? Soon, instead of ''Jesus is in our hearts" or "Jesus is love." we'll be saying, "Jesus is giving a Time Management fireside at the Stake Center!" Now that's progress. Caiifornians. We've got a head start, Whyt my very own ward bishop . that unchaste jerk Clinton has h, RACHEL SAWYER Junior, English racy. The deterioration of majority-rul- e democracy should be the most important issue of this campaign season. Instead, we are wryly entertained with the same empty rhetoric of the two party candidates who have been handpicked by special interests and groomed by the mass media. When truly inspiring events occur, such as the super rallies where tens of thousands across the country have paid to hear Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader speak, they are by and large dismissed because they don't fit snugly into the "spoiler" role in which the media has cast Nader's campaign. Forget about the promises of tax breaks for higher education or the thinly veiled threats of what will issues happen with such as abortion if the "other guy" wins; what you're really being sold is a lemon democracy. Nader is a telling example of citizen democracy in action. Don't just vote for him get up, speak out and become the force to change political values as if people mattered, not hot-butt- money. GILES LARSEN Freshman, Asian Studies The Feminine Rule Editor: Congratulations to the Associat- ed Students of the University of Utah for the fine job you did in registering students to vote. Even though you didn't meet your goal, it was still a very significant achievement. Although your agenda is to fight against any tuition increase, let me call your attention to another way in which you can help your cause. It's very simple. Elect more women to the Legislature. There are some wonderful, knowledgeable women running this year. They place a high value on education and could be a strong voice for education at the Capitol next winter. Twenty-thre- e of the are Democracandidates legislative tic women, and the Democratic Party has always had a strong education plank in its platform. You can learn about them by going to www.esfJiersiist.com, and I invite you to do so. The Office of Orientation and New Student Programs is currently hiring next year's Oriental or, Leaders, Students may pick up an application in the Olpin Student e at Union, Room 270 or access the application on-lin- www.saff.utafi.eduorient fjiere are any qUeS(ions ca 801.581.7069 ESTHER R. LANDA Chair, Esther's List CORHHUS&tERS continued from page 6 tickets) just to get lost in the stuff. They pay seven bucks a head! That is $3.50 per ear! Can you see where I am going with this? Are you beginning to comprehend the greatness of my vision?! The whole thing was a botched job from the beginning. The planners should have done their homework on Utahns' Autumn recreational habits. They should have talked to and me. But it is not too late. We can still change things in time for next season. Yes it will cost money, but we can cover it by increasing the cost of parking permits. First, we must tear the whole thing the stadium down yup the whole thing. We then start all over from the good earth and plant the most sincere corn field on the planet. Then at the first bite of Autumn air we cut down just enough for a gridiron, and the rest will go on in Dan-niel- history. Maiza Utes prosper forever.- le - RICHARD ATKINSON Senior, Physics Sale Dates: LONDON $269 " PARIS $359 AMSTERDAM $349 Fares are HT lor rndweek travel and Ooatures from Nov 1 RO $375 FRAN KFURT liable) MAD ID $38 to avatobiMy. Tkts are NorvPet'jrdabte and exclusive of taxessurcharges which range from $30-JW5Ikts rrojst be booked and pad for from Oct (.larch 31, 2001. No oowrtures frn Dec 12th through Deo 24th. Must held valid l":G,fTlC. or IYTC card. Some aye and other restrictions may apply. sublet Shop extended I Council 1024-102- 8 hours-Tues-F- ri: 10-- 8 24th-28th- |