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Show Wednesday, June 2. 1993 The Daily Utah Chronicle - Page Five r The Daily Utah Chronicle Bike rack hassle Getting a bike rack could get easier or for that matter any city, wasn't built in a or even a year. In Salt Lake City, the same can be said about bike racks. Official city policy currently calls for business owners who might want to install bike racks on city property outside their establishments to get approval from five different city entities, file a statement saying why he wants a bike rack and whom it would benefit, secure a .building permit, promise to lease it for five years (at a minimum cost of $350) and put up $1 million in liability insurance. Rome, or a month, Fortunately, Salt Lake's Alternative Parking Coordinator Julie Eldridge has formulated a plan that would cut through all the red tape, giving the city a policy that is quite a bit less Byzantine than the current one. If Eldridge 's policy receives approval from city officials, bike racks can be installed after an interested party determines what kind of rack the city wants in a given location. The individual buys one rack and donates it to the city and then personally supervises installation to make sure city workers install it in the proper place. The revised policy has already been "approved in concept," according to the Salt Lake Tribune of Tuesday, June 1. The Chronicle hopes the policy is "approved in reality," too. By riding bikes, the citizens of Salt Lake City can help alleviate congestion on the roads and cut down on the pollution problems... not to mention getting in shape and possibly losing a few extra pounds. If there were more places to properly park bikes downtown, maybe more would take two wheels rather than four. ever-escalati- ng Safety in numbers days it seems like officials of the Clinton can't seem to go anywhere without getting headlines not necessarily for where they go or what they do there, but just for going in the first place. These d Defense Secretary Les Aspin took a vacation with a friend, nine members of his staff, as well as 22 crew members of his airplane. The accommodations of the 31 staff members were paid for by the government, but Aspin and his friend paid for r Danieli Hotel. their accommodations at the It certainly makes sense for Aspin's security detail, communications specialist, military assistant, and physician to be on hand to ensure the safety and well being of Aspin and the United States. effiKeeping the plane crew nearby was necessary for for business ciency's sake since they had all been there JURASSIC PARK Summer advice: Don't let a little Happiness obscure the big picture 1 obligation It is mythissacred column with some sort to of finality, since it is my last column of the school year. Therefore have some advice I would like to leave with you all: Don't let short-terhappiness obscure the big picture. This requires some explanation. You see, when I was about five years old, we had this enormous picture in my living room. It was a velvet painting of a man in bull1 m fighting attire being gored by a huge bull. Occasionally, I thought I saw the bullfighter move, but I realized it was ridiculous, because if he could move he would have been able to get away from the bull. Once, a friend of mine had a cousin that was nearly trampled by a moose. My friend's cousin was just sitting in his living room, minding his own business, listening to the haunting Songs of the Humpback Whale on CD, when this irritated moose came charging through his house. Luckily, no one was hurt, but the moose had to spend the next several weeks in intensive therapy. Speaking of therapy, I once met a man who claimed that he could bring me inner peace for $50. I offered him $20 for a sense of fulfillment. He slapped me and said he wasn't that kind of guy. I asked him what kind of guy he was and he said he was the kind of guy who could really appreciate watching golf on television, so I kneed him in the groin. As Arnold Palmer once said, golf is a game for people with a set of clubs and small, round, white balls. Of course, Arnold Palmer drives a tractor so what the hell does he know? had a friend who owned a 1 tractor. It was red. He trained a monkey to drive Robert Gehrke it. People came from miles Assistant to the around see Editorial Editor who monkey could drive and everyone laughed ana laughed until one day the monkey mowed down three onlookers and my friend ended up in prison Chronicle on manslaughter charges. After that, only a few people laughed and it was sort of a twisted, maniacal cackling more than it was laughter. I had an Uncle Gilbert that served time in prison. He was convicted of assaulting and maiming a mime. He was sentenced to three days in jail and was heralded as a hero in the them on my feet. I ended up putting one around my neck in cold weather and using it as a muffler. My car ran much better after that. Once I saw a driver's ed. car that had training wheels. I never needed training wheels on my bike. Once I tried to make a Byzantine leap of logic on my bike. A strange lady named Wendy told me I could do it. Halfway through the jump I thought of what it would have been like if Shakespeare wrote all of his plays in the form of knock-knocjokes and was nearly killed on the crash. Sometimes I like to go down to the grocery store and get a big shops and ping cart full of Hunks the and go to Big park with Sen. Orrin Hatch and my friend Stu. Then we sit and feed the the grub to the pigeons until they're so sick they can't fly. I have a nephew who had one parent who was a hippy and one who was an emu rancher. His name was Happiness, but due to a quirk of nature he was only 3 feet tall. We liked him anyway. One day I was k Steak-umm- town. Personally, I think mime is an underappreciated art form. It is sitting in my living room and an inspiration to watch these mute Happiness came and stood in front of me. I was furious! I couldn't see masters spin their craft. Thomas of the portrait of the bullfighter, so I Speaking inspiration, Edison once said that "It's one perpushed him down. That's what mean when I say you can't' let a litcent inspiration and 99 percent pertle Happiness get in the way of the what not "It" I'm sure is, spiration." but if he's right you'd have to showbig picture, cause if the picture er pretty regularly or you'll stink "moves, you just might miss it. like a pair of sweat socks. One last thing: What the hell is Most of my socks have holes in nougat? Have a safe and enjoyable sumthem. Once I got a pair that didn't and I couldn't figure out how to get mer. Adieu. 1 doctor-prescribe- five-sta- six-memb- Graduating student leaves closing thoughts about U. er anyway. The public has the right to know how the government functions in such instances, but journalists e shouldn't use such information to create scandals on a slow news day. make-believ- Editor: As I say a fond farewell to this feel the need to leave anyone interested with a university, I few closing thoughts. 1) Except for the Gazebo coffee, the Union food sucks. 2) It's a damn good thing Mayfest stayed at the Union patio. 3) Stuart McDonald's letters were always thought-provokin- g. 4) Hippie wannabes are better than Mormon Republican busines- wannabes. 5) Contrary to popular belief, parking services does a fine job. 6) Quit complaining about the s-major The Chronicle is an" independent student newspaper. Unsigned editorials reflect the majority view of the Editorial Board. quality of reporting in the Chronicle. It is a student news paper staffed by students, not professional reporters. Sure, athletes get some fringe benefits, but doesn't 7) everybody? 8) If you meet all the deadlines and show up at 8 a.m. for any financial aid business, you will not have problems. 9) I guess I'm getting old, but those baggy pants things are really ugly. 10) Best teachers: J.D. Williams, Mr. Bowman (ITW), Dave Hanscom. So hasta la vista baby, later dude, farewell, hallelujah! Mike Crandall senior computer science LETTER POLICY The Daily Utah Chronicle Business hours: Monday through Friday 8 am to 5 pm 581-704- 1 The Chronicle welcomes reader" response. Please bring letters, typed, double-space- d not exceeding two pages, to 240 Union Building. Each let- ter should include your name, major, year in school and telephone number (for verification purposes only). Unsigned letters will not be considered for publication. The Chronicle reserves the right to edit letters for spelling, grammar and space. |