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Show All the fffl-CI- TY news unfit to print (and then some) Down with bad guys! April Vol.0 No. 00 Donations Requested 1, 1982 Mae-Eaftimig Carp Trapped. m Uttah Lake Quagmire By CARL HOPPED giant, Carp was caught in the Jordan River near Lehi Tuesday night by two men who were Snipe hunting. d The killer fish, Jaws 3 by its captors, was spotted when it took a bite out of a bridge about 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday. "I took one look at that monster and realized we had a public menace swimming in that thar river," said Stanley Flyfisher. "It looked really gross," added Freddie Fishbait. "It reminded me of a guy I know in Cleveland." Flyfisher and Fishbait had set a trap for Snipes when they happened A man-eatin- g nick-name- I "Freddie upon the aquatic killer. had just barely picked up his club and walked out into the sticks when the said fish attacked the bridge," the left was bag." "I holding Stanley. "It could have ate the whooooole thing," said Freddie, holding the remains of his dog, Fido. It seems Fido had been standing on the bridge and barking at worms when the fish filleted the pooch. "Fido didn't have a chance. That crappy carp carried him clear into the current," said Freddie. "We finally fought the fish for Fido's fur and dragged the dog out of the water." Fishbait reported that he heard a burp somewhere down stream. "That's when I really got mad," said Fishbait. "I decided then and there that this was one trout that wasn't going to get away." Fishbait killed the carp by throwing a Thermos full of his wife's chicken soup into the river. "That fish chomped down on that Thermos and died on the spot," said "Sue's soup can kill Fishbait. anything," he added. The Utah Division of Wildlife and Killer Fish investigated the incident and has now released a report stating that there may be more of the megamouth monsters in Utah Lake. "We have determined that the fish is a cross between a mountain goat and a Pirahna. We have decided to name it the Rocky Mountain River Ram," said a spokesman for the Wildlife Division. There is a move in the Utah State Senate to pass legislation authorizing e genocide of the killer fish in this Utah Lake. "I intend to ram-ro- d bill through the Senate," said one legislator, after insisting that his name not be released. "I'm afraid if the fish lovers out there knew my full-scal- name they might force me to eat crow," he said. According the the local police hundreds of people are now out on Utah Lake trolling for River Rams. "The River Ram is a tough fish to catch," said Harry Hornblower of the Killer Fish Division. "You have to boat along have at least an with steel towing cables for fishing line and a couple of New York Steaks for bait," said Hornblower. Hornblower recommends trolling at night for anyone attempting to land a River Ram. "It's best in the late evening, maybe the early late evening or even the middle early late evening - but never at dusk," said Hornblower when asked what the best time was for hooking a king size River Ram. Hornblower blames the existance of the Rocky Mountain River Ram on the polluted condition of Utah Lake. "It's a perfect breeding ground for trash fish," he said. "Utah Lake used to be such a pretty place," said Hornblower. "It's so filthy and full of scum now that it isn't even considered a miracle when people walk on it." Expert fisherman claim that the hottest fishing location will be near Saratoga. "River Rams are attracted to the swimmers and small boats in the area," said one old coot. "They think swimmers are a nice snack." pre-dinn- Planet Earth Rj I ed Destroy TERRA v&k pa JjU (WIn isUn i: f , I aIi p m-r.'-'-- i c?rir1 I mm Foolish editor receives just desserts - Utah Jazz Lose to Lehi By BETTY FOOLER In a precedent-settin- g move, Ken Wagner, coach of the Lehi Pioneers, accepted a challenge from the Utah Jazz. The Pioneers snuffed out the Jazz' hope of breaking their losing streak. Coach Frank Leyden was very disturbed that Jim Fackrell, the Pioneers great center held Adrian Dantely to a paltry four points. Speedy Jeff Burningham proved too much for Dr. Dunkenstein, Daryl Griffiths, by time and time again forcing Jazz turnovers, stealing the ball and passing it down the floor to Bob Barnes for an easy two points. Leyden emptied the Jazz bench trying to contain the awesome Pioneers. Liston, Stanley and Brady Gentle Ben Poquette, Big James Hardy and Danny Schayes to outrebound the Jazz 31-Carl Nicks was simply outclassed by the Lehi guard line. At the end of the first quarter the Jazz were down 2. 36-- The officiating was questionable as Jim Fackrell was called for six goal tending offenses in the second half. In an attempt to even up the game, Irv Brown, the ref, made several bad calls. One, a traveling charge against Clyd Atwood for stepping out on the floor to caution his players for being too rough, was ridiculous. The Salt Palace was filled to capacity with Lehi fans including the Lehi cheerleaders, and the Pionettes. By MARCELLA TALKER experience on foot, council members were expected to take up to one year to make the journey. It is anticipated that because of prior experience Mrs. Brock should beat the rest of the council by at least six months. Torn and tormented with one more plan to take water to Salt Lake County by cutting through Pleasant Grove, the council felt the only way they could make their feelings known was to make this dire trip. In their absence, the youth city council will be in charge. Already they have settled all debts, bought motorcycles for the police department, declared a city holiday one day out of every week, and sponsored a HighS chool Closes By MARCELLA TALKER Because of lack of interest, Pleasant Grove High School has closed for the duration of the school year. Principal Tom Carlile said that if Donnie Osmond's new play could close on Broadway, he could not see why the high school could not do the same for lack of interest. The announcement set off a round of celebration which has not been seen in these parts since the Japanese announced surrender at the end of World Warn. The only ones really concerned were the Sterling Scholars who wondered who they were going to scholar for from now on. Jon Hoover was reported to have told his baseball team they were on their own as he had been called up by the Toronto Blue Jays who needed a replacement for Danny Ainge. The announcement also suspends school elections which should save some paper if nothing else and will require Joe Zeidner and some of his buddies to think up something else to do. Graduation posed no problems as not many had qualified for graduation anyway and those that had will join with Orem High for their graduation as they do not have many students either. Teachers were reported to be delirious with happiness and calls to the cruise companies and airlines had hit a new high. Pleasant Grove's Coggers and A Cappella Choir were not told of the closure so that they would not drop their plans for their trip to the World's Fair in Tennessee in May. Coach Allred reportedly had offered his services to the Utah Jazz who suffered their 41st defeat in a row last night and had sent the players home to mama to think about it. We heard that Jeri Craner was planning an early trip to England to perform Shakespeare on the stage at Stratford-on-Avon- . News Service) - A laser wire bulletin received from the Interplanetary space pod "Intrepid" reports that a planet in an obscure solar system was destroyed last month in a freak accident. According to Captain Anthony Freezone, commander of the governmental pod "Intrepid," the third planet of the star "Sol" was sucked into the star's gravitational vortex after all nine planets in the solar system mysteriously lined up in a row. "I believe the earth creatures referred to this as the Jupiter effect," said Freezone. "I really don't understand their logic since Jupiter wasn't affected at all." The loss of the planet "Earth" is not expected to cause any significant loss in the economic foundation of the galaxy. Earth has never participated in the Stellar Common Market because it wasn't blessed with valuable natural resources which could be exchanged on the open space market. "I visited Earth once as a kid and wasn't impressed at all," reported Freezone. "All they had to sell were Edsels from Detroit and reruns of Gilligan's Island." Captain Freezone reports that attempts were made several times to establish contact with the Earthlings but that the earthlings refused to cooperate with his messengers, "I've been sending flying saucers to Earth for nigh on 76 years now," said Freezone. "But the strange creatures which inhabited the planet refused to believe our ships were real - let alone open trade discussions with us." As for the actual destruction of the planet, Freezone and his crew report they were passing its solar system several weeks ago when the planet began to lose its balance. According to Freezone all the planets lined up in a straight line and the combined gravitational pull of all the planets versus the sun caused the earth to wobble out of stationary orbit. "It was awful. There was a big flash and Earth suddenly accelerated out of orbit and plunged straight into the sun. There were no survivors but we did manage to recover what was left of Manhattan," said Freezone. Despite saving a portion of New York City the crew of the Intrepid didn't bother to salvage the wreckage. "All that was usable were Times Square and a bit of the Bronx," said Freezone. "And we all know that those things weren't worth saving anyway." j i After the great win each member of the Lehi team was presented a picture of Tom Nissalke and a free ticket to see the next Jazz game. d Lehi athletes The returned to their home court to prepare for their next encounter to a Jazzy kind. After the game rumors were flying that the Jazz management was thinking of changing the name of their franchise from the Jazz to the Pioneers. well-hone- FG Comedl Hikes to Capitol All five members of the Pleasant Grove City Council struck out on foot for Washington, D.C today to protest a government plan to put another waterway through Pleasant Grove by tunnelling through "G" Mountain. Led by Councilwoman Donna Brock, the only one of the lot with any By CARL HOPPED NOT SO FIRMA street dance. Mayor Dave Holdaway opted for a in Tibet rather than make the journey to the nation's capitol on foot. He is reported doing well and has joined a lama on top of 3,000 foot Mt. Hope in the heart of the Himalayas. When government bureaucrats told the city council of plans, preconceived and approved without the knowledge of any known intellectual, for the new water project, the council is reported to have retired to the computer room. What happened there is anyone's guess but reliable sources said today that it appeared that more than one person had climbed the walls. The announced plan would take four billion years to complete at a cost of $47 septillion. One hundred in pipelines would be laid year's vacation side-by-si- trenches through G mountain. Each trench would be actually a tunnel bored through the separate mountain. y purAlthough the chases have not been made, the government assured the city council that it would be an easy thing to acquire. right-of-wa- M IPANIC BUTTON yjf |