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Show by Jim Murray 0 I I Ji Calm down, Dr. Naismith "Hello, operator? Get me Madame Lazonga. The medium. Hello, Madame Lazonga? Listen, I want you to whip me up a little seance. Communicate with the spirits. Get me Dr. James Naismith, the inventor of basketball. He's got to be up there someplace, he was a YMCA instructor. Try the gym. "Hello, Dr. Naismith? Old 'Set-shot' Murray here, the last of the two-handed scourges. How's it going? "Listen, Dr. Naismith, did you happen to catch the last of the NCAA Finals on the Eye? You didn't? Well, I was wondering what you thought of the fact the first eight points scored by the winners in the game were on 'Goal-tending' shots? Without those, the other team would have won by seven instead of losing by one. "What do you mean what do I mean by 'goal-tending'? You know. Where a defensive player goes up above the rim to block a shot coming down to the basket. "What? You say that's impossible? That you put the basket 10 feet above the floor? But, doctor, this goal-tender is somewhere between seven and eight feet tall, and his arms are so long he can walk on his knuckles without bending his knees. "What do you mean, what do I take you for? What? You say people between seven and eight feet tall are in the circus? Where they can make some real money? Not anymore, doctor, they got hundreds of seven-footers in basketball today. Every center in the NBA is seven feet or over. "What? What's the NBA, you want to know? Well, it's a professional basketball league. What did you say? Do people pay to see basketball games? Oh, my, yes. Over 60,000 at the NCAA Finals. No, they don't come for the dance afterward anymore. "How do you keep these seven-footers from signing with Barnum? Easy. Some of them make over a million dollars a year. "Hello, hello. Dr. Naismith? Madam Lazonga, I think our connection is broken. Oh, there you are, Doctor. Yes, I said a million a year. Doctor, what's the matter? Are you strangling? "But these are not sideshow freaks anymore, doctor. The whole race is just getting bigger. All that protein, you see. Some of them grow to be seven feet tall and then become vegetarians, but it's a good thing for them their ancestors weren't. I know if you study suits or armor and the length of bunks in the old slave ships, you can figure the average human was about 5-4, but in the NBA today, if a guy is 6-1, they call him 'Tiny.' Anyway, even the off-guards can slam dunk. "What? What's a 'slam dunk'? That's where you score a basket by dropping the ball in from above. What? Oh, sure. Everybody can do it. They've got guards 6-10 in this league, but even the ones only 6-4 can jump above the rim. The world high jump record is getting toward eight feet anyway. And they do that backwards. We got guys in basketball can slam dunk backwards. "Dr. Naismith! Are you sure you should be using that kind of language in Heaven? "What? You want to know doesn't anybody throw up that pretty long set shot anymore? Well, they give you three points for that now, doctor. Still, nobody does it. The Los Angeles Lakers attempted 7,382 field goals last year and only 94 from three-point range which is only 23 feet 9 inches from the basket. And they only made 17. It's a low-percentage shot. They score almost a third of their baskets by dunks, now. Isn't that kind of boring? Well, yes, it is. It's about as athletic as a giraffe eating leaves off a low tree. But I don't know what we can do about it. The basketball of the future may have 90 percent slam dunks in it, and 10 percent layups. What's a layup? Oh, never mind, doctor. You'd never understand. "Why don't they just move the basket up five feet? Doctor! Tamper with the grand old game?! Trifle with the sanctity of basketball?! basket-ball?! "What? You say they'd still have the center jump, the two free throws for a foul, the stall defense. Doctor, I don't know how to tell you this, but they don't have the jump ball anymore. And they have what they call a 'loose ball' foul where you don't go to the line anymore. Sometimes, when you do they have a three-to-make-two foul procedure. And there's no such thing as a stall. They have a 24-second clock. "Wait a minute! Doctor! Calm down! The 24-second clock means you have 24 seconds to shoot for the basket or surrender the ball. What? You say that'll mean some team may score more than 35 points some nights now? Doctor, some teams score 175 points today. "What, raise the basket?! No, they won't raise the basket. That's too simple. Neither will they make the slam dunk count only one-half a point. You see, the dunk and the layup make for violent physical contact under the basket. The public likes that. Makes for fist fights, broken faces, lacerated corneas, crushed pelvises. "Wait a minute! Don't scream! I can hear you. I know you invented the game to do away with the brutality of physical sports like boxing and football. I know the slam dunk is an obscenity. Doctor, we're talking business, not sports, now. Wait a minute, doctor! You say you're sorry you invented the damn game? Is that any way for the Father of Basketball to talk? ! Doctor, listen to me! Hello? Madame Lazonga, did he hang up on me: ( c ) 1982, Los Angeles Times I STATE FARM i insurance! For insurance call Max O. Vierig 1700 Park Avenue Mt. Air Mall 649-9161 STATE FARM INSURANCE COMPANIES HOME OFFICES: BLOOMINGTON, ILLINOIS 9 Wasatch Property Management would like to express its sincere appreciation to Sue Shultz Cal Cythers, Park City Maintenance Dave Beck, Beck Construction The Ladies from Great Western, Firstours. Advance Reservations Dave Novell, Park City Transport Lewis Brothers Stages Park City Ski Area, Deer Valley, and ParkWest My wonderful husband, Dan For their fine service, dedication, and support during the 1981-82 ski season. You are all wonderful to work with. I couldn't have done it without ou. Sincerely Kim Collester-Meehan General Manager 1 I 2k y v Til LI Newspaper A DCDLPUS Page B6 Thursday, April 15, 1982 :5;i::':!M;;:il; Sports Dnirtf Ski-sail this Weekend Believe it or not, there's a sailboat race on Deer Creek Reservoir this Saturday. It's part of the 19th annual Ski and Yachting event (better known as the Ski-Sail), which involves two heats on the reservoir Saturday and two timed runs on the Park City Ski Area's Clementine giant slalom course Sunday. Last year's event attracted 24 teams. According to race organizer Harry Reed, the event is - expected to involve a variety of sailing craft, including Hobies, NACRAs, 505s and even sailboards. People interested in competing in the Ski-Sail are asked to sign up at the Deer Creek Lake State Park by 11 a.m. Saturday. The races are expected to begin about noon. For more inforamtion, call Reed at 649-9066 or 649-9104. High Rollers open season The Park City High Rollers will kick off the second half of their 1981-82 season on Saturday with a game against Westminster. West-minster. The High Rollers ended the first half of the season lasf November with a 9-0 record and a firm grip on first place in the men's First Division of the Utah Soccer Association. Westminster held down second place with a 6-2-1 record. However, the High Rollers must complete the season without last fall's top scorer, Andy Callahan, who has returned re-turned to Ireland. Park City must also play Saturday's game without another potent forward, Pat Carley, who is out of town. As if that weren't enough, the High Rollers have yet to play on grass because of snow on the local playing fields. Saturday's game is set to begin at 4 p.m. at Westminster College. P.C. to host state tourney The Park City Racquet Club will be the site of the 1A - 2A state tournament in boys tennis, to be held Saturday, May 15. This announcement came Tuesday from Park City Coach David Chaplin, who said that there have also been several other scheduling changes: The Region 11 tournament, originally scheduled to be held April 30 at the Park City Racquet Club, has been moved to May 7. Friday's scheduled match between South Summit and Park City has been postponed. Students in the South Summit School District are on vacation this week. The match between Wasatch and Park City, scheduled for April 1, was postponed because of bad weather. It has yet to be rescheduled. Silver Kings at Salt Palace The Park City Silver Kings will face Snowbird in the third and final game of their hockey series in the Salt Palace at 8 p.m. Wednesday, April 21. The first game between the two teams, played April 6 at the Cottonwood Ice Arena, ended in a 4-4 tie. The second game was scheduled to have been played Wednesday, April 14, after this edition went to press. C-53s lose heartbreaker The C-53s, the Park City youth soccer team for girls ages 13 to 16, started off the 1982 schedule with a disappointing 1-0 loss to "The Surf" of Salt Lake City. After a scoreless first half, the C-53s scored two apparent goals, only to see both called back by the referees. One came when a Nicki Koch penalty kick hit the crossbar, was bobbled by the goalie, then kicked into the net by Vicki Thomas. However, the official ruled that the ball was dead before the goalie dropped it. The other goal was called back because of an offside Park City forward. Heidi Hunter played a flawless first half in goal for the C-53s. Victor Roy (above) and Lea Battiste (below) walked away with some of the top prizes in the Park City Ski Area's Town Race series. Roy took first place in the men's Pro Division while Battiste won two first-place trophies: in the women's Cross-Country and the women's A Class. See standings on next page. ifiiilli ?U"Mr - . irfuA If A 3 ft loA' ' x N U.S. Ski Team says thanks Over 200 pi-oplc allcudcd a "Thank You" parly hosted by the I niti-d Stales Ski Team Monday. April 12. at Die Blaek I'eai l in I'ark City. The affair, was held in appreciation lor the efforts of townspeople and Osmond Knleitainment personnel in eon junction with the I'.S. Ski Team Celebrity Classic held at the Park City Ski Area Feb. 27 through March 2. 'We're throw inn this party." explained I'.S. Ski Team Executive Director Inez Aimee, "because sometimes, some-times, a thank you just isn't enough and this is one of those times." Guests were treated to a preview showing of the 60-minute Osmond television special that was filmed !mi imu the Celebrity Classic as well as a slide presentation presenta-tion ol classic activities ;md various ski racing video tapes The Osmond special is slated to be aired in the fall Alan i isinond. president of Osmond Entertainment, was presented w ith an apprei i.i live trained sel of pictures o the I S alpine am teams w ith a hrnnc i enscribed "To Hie Osmonds with Thanks." "We'll only agree lo conic back and do Ibis again next year." said Osmond, h ,, of you will agree to come back and help us v enjoyed it." nordu )laiie "Of course." concluded Osmond, pointing to the team pictures, "these are the people that it's all about." Craig Hadami. director of marketing lor the Park City Ski Area, was presented with a silver hip flask for his efforts which contributed to i he success of the Celebrity Classic. Badami was ill and unable to attend the party and the flask was accepted for him by Robbie Beck, marketing assistant for the ki area. The four-day Celebrity ( 'lassie resulted in a net of i vino.ooofor the U.S. Ski . itll |