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Show BOBBRUMFIELDl,. Key to a perfect profile JM the Cincinnati Enquirer - The airlines have developed a "behavioral profile" in order to detect potential hijackers before they board planes. Nobody outside airline-security circles knows the details of this profile. This worries me quite a bit. I always feel that I might fit the profile without knowing it, and that if I try to board an airliner, somebody is going to drag me off for questioning. It could be very embarrassing. However, I think I've come up with a foolproof way to act in front of airline personnel. Obviously the typical American does not hijack airliners. Ergo, it follows that if we are to avoid being detained by security guards, having our luggage searched, etc., we must appear to be typical Americans. But what is the typical American really like? Well, the best source for an answer to that question is television. According to polls conducted by independent agencies paid by television stations, Americans trust TV even more than they do used-car salesmen and politicians. So the television medium must be a pretty reliable source. Television spokesmen say that advertising is the medium's life's blood, and that TV advertising is directed to the typical American. Therefore, the first thing you must remember is to never, under any circumstances, munch blueberries, eat corn on the cob or do anything that would stain or dislocate your dentures at the airport. The airport police would nab you instantly. Try to avoid drinking coffee in the airport restaurant, since it stains your dentures, but if you must, due to an uncontrollable caffein addiction, ad-diction, remember to exclaim in a loud voice after your first sip that it tastes even better than fresh-perked, fresh-perked, then remove your dentures and place them in a glass with some Efferdent. Make certain you say, "Look! It's turning blue!" so the airline security guards can see the thousands of little scrub burshes scraping off the coffee stain. It is very important to avoid the appearance of good health or well-being well-being while waiting to board an airliner. Remember that the typical American has a sinus headache, postnasal drip and an upset stomach. He also has a problem with constipation. Wring your hands constantly, or limp and rub your elbows to show any airline personnel who might be watching that you have arthritis. Scratch a lot particularly your scalp, and occasionally take a sip from your bottle of Geritol. It is a well-known fact that the typical American's dandruff, even though he shampooed on Tuesday, is right back there itching ana. Thursday and that "he suffering from iron deficient n the day he reached If you happen to be yonn!'. one cola (or uncola) dffl another while you're in th" terminal, and dance aroun hold hands with membesVnd many minority groups as 1? find. Arrive at the aim ?" bicycle or in a dune buggj " a It really isn't mandatory but nice touch of typical America ; ' to have your wife and " ? ! company you to the ain ' Naturally your wife shoul d rough red hands, a complexion! a neglected secondary road hair on her legs. To 'J ; everyone that she's using , wrong kind of toothpaste mouthwash, have her remove sol paint from a wall with her hreath i she has to talk, she should confine her remarks to subjects such as dirty toilet bowls, mildewed sinks dusty furniture, stopped-up drains' hands reaching up out of washind machines and heel marks on her freshly waxed kitchen floor. It helps if she sweats a lot and has wet rings in the armpits of her dress. Tell her she's incredible. 14 The kids should fall down a lit-preferably lit-preferably on their already skinned knees. Have a nice flight. |