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Show t i iafi I Meat, Knic in pro wresvSsn Ecs blong 9 nng The Miami Heat and New York Knicks have staged their annual "baskctbrawl," which is much more entertaining than the physical, bricklaying styles of basketball the two teams play. The Knicks-Heat playground slap fight was a topic of discussion in The Signpost newsroom Saturday morning. Our news editor said both teams should be disqualified from the playoffs."How old are these guys? 45? And they're acting like they're6-year-olds," she said. "Even Dennis Rodman has more class than that." She said the Indiana Pacers should get a bye into the next round, since both teams would be eliminated. That's not a very realistic solution, considering the NBA and NBC still need to make their millions of dollars from the Eastern Conference semifinals. It wouldn't be fair to Mike Andrew Aragon " Armchair Aragon and the Chicago Bulls either, since they would have to play four games to sweep the Charlotte Hornets, while the Pacers would be home relaxing. So, what's my suggestion for the Heat and Knicks? Put them in the wrestling ring and have Vince McMahon promote the "fight." McMahon would surely make their fights look more real. The last place these barbarians should be is on the basketball court. The Knicks-Heat series had all the elements of pro wrestling or a soap opera. There's two former teammates, Miami's Alonzo Mourning and New York's Larry Johnson throwing punches without bad intentions. There's a rematch of last year's "fight." There's a coach, Jeff Van Gundy, holding onto Mourning like a little kid not wanting his mom to leave him for a night on the town. Since pro wrestling and soap operas are one in the same, there are necessary elements for the match. The fighters have to have a long history with each other. Mourning and Johnson hated each other when they played together for the Hornets. McMahon has to make fans believe the two teams are evenly matched and the match will be competitive. His job is easy here, as Mourning and Johnson showed the world they can't fight. Van Gundy sure has a tight grip though. For the true wrestlingsoap-opera twist, we also need good-looking people enhanced by plastic surgery (I guess we'll have to do without that), be trayal, shocking plot twists and blackmail. Like a good promoter, I'll get to that in a minute. Each team would only be able to have two guys represent them for a tag-team match. Keeping with the soap-opera theme, former teammates Mourning and Johnson will have to participate. Johnson's tag partner will be Chris Mills since he was suspended for leaving the bench during the Game 4 "fight." Mourning will have a "mystery partner" who will remain unannounced until the night of the pay-per-view. McMahon will watch the dollars roll in. Before the match, it is announced that Van Gundy and Riley are banned from ringside. After Johnson and Mills make their way to ringside with manager Spike Lee, Mourning walks to ringside by himself to the theme of the Lone Ranger. After Mourning's jumped by the Knicks posse, Patrick Ewing comes through the crowd. Fans expect it to be a 4-on-l situation, but wait (betrayal, shocking plot twist) Ewing starts beating on (attempting to anyway) his Knick teammates. He hits Johnson with a chair and gets theone-two-three. Later, we find out that Ewing (blackmail) was put up to betraying his teammates by Pat Riley, who offered him $3 and a replica version of his 1988 championship ring with the Lakers. Professional athletes will do anything for money and jewelry. Anyone who has seen the Knicks-Heat series knows this would be much more entertaining than the ugly games they have put on. It might be worth our pay-per-view dollars, too. And, just like it doesn't matter who wins in pro wrestling, it didn't matter who won this series either, because neither team can beat the Pacers. A little fuzzy about thinqs? LetThe Siqnpost clear thinqs up. ' S ' S 'S s ' -s ,v V X - S S S V Complete 18" Digital Satellite Systems Free Electronic TV Guide Free (2) Months Programming Over 160 Channels Available Monthly Programming from 1 9.99 mo Complete Systems Only $99.95 plus (ss.h) "includes Self Installation Kit" Digital Universe 1-800-554-2255 1 Il 'New subscribers only Prices subject to change without notice ATTENTION DIET BURNOUTS Better Than Phen-Phen High Energy, High Appetite Suppressant That Works! PHARMACEUTICAL GRADE (AH NaturalSatisfaction Guaranteed) Losing 10 lbs. in 2 weeks is not uncommon. Call Now For a 3 Day Trial Pack. 262-6318 (S.L.C. Area) or 1-888-330-7492 O Interested in writing? Publishing? 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